THE SEMINAR

This wasn't the first time I signed up for this seminar, but it certainly was the first time I actually got up the courage to attend.  I'm so glad I did!  

I have avoided the idea of having bariatric surgery for a very long time.  But, here I am...recently turned 40, and heavier than I've ever been.  Even though I've had some success with food logging and exercise, for whatever reason I just can't sustain it and before I know it I've gained the weight back, and then some.   I have tried over the last 10 years to get down to a healthy weight.  I don't know why I can't get myself there, but I can't.  I'm tired of the disappointments and failures, and I'm ready to be at a healthy weight...at the end of the day, that is what it is about - getting to a healthy weight and lifestyle!  

So, tonight, I went to the seminar - husband in tow.

I have to admit, I was pretty skeptical on the way there, and even at the beginning of the seminar.  I told Chris over and over that even though I was going, I was pretty sure I wouldn't really consider the surgery.  Chris, on the other hand, was sold...and had been for a very long time.  By the end of the seminar I was singing a very different tune: I was pretty sure I was going to seriously pursue it.  I loved the doctor and his straight forward attitude and approach.  I loved the testimonial speaker and all she shared about her experience before and after surgery.  Every part of the seminar spoke to me, especially the testimonial speaker at the end, and by the time it was over I had gone from feeling very hesitant to feeling like I couldn't sign up fast enough.

So, what was holding me back all this time???

One thing that initially held me back from seriously considering bariatric surgery are the many, many myths that exist about it. They terrified me, and I felt like it would leave me in worse shape from a health perspective than being obese! In addition, my mother had bariatric surgery many, many, many years ago and frankly, although she lost the weight, she hasn't been the healthiest person post surgery.**  Well, tonight the doctor addressed most, if not all, of the myths that I had allowed to dissuade me:  high mortality rates associated with the surgery, malnutrition, osteoporosis, never eating more than a couple of tablespoons of food, having to cut out many, many foods indefinitely, hair loss, etc.  

Ultimately, I learned that yes, all surgeries carry risk, but no, the mortality rate for bariatric surgery is not higher than other surgeries - in fact, in most cases, it is lower.  I learned that many of the negative issues that occur with bariatric surgeries are typically caused by failing to follow the program after surgery and failing to actively participate in "after care".  I learned that no foods are off limits after surgery - of course, the portion sizes are different, the frequency you can eat certain things is different, but, after time, the post-surgery diet is actually very balanced and very healthy.  YES, for around 6 weeks after surgery you only eat a few tablespoons of food, and what you eat is very restricted, but YOU ARE HEALING, so this is to be expected!   As time goes on, and as you heal, you incorporate more and more food varieties, and eventually eat a fairly normal, balanced diet.

**As a note, when I talked to my Mom after the seminar, she told me "Oh yeah, I could have told you that!  I never did what they told me to do!".  Oh. My. Hell!  MOTHER!  I was going to kill her!  

Another issue that kept me from seriously considering surgery was, well, pride.  I wanted to lose weight "on my own".  I wanted to beat this "without help".  Also, I read the nasty, brutal comments left on Facebook posts and blogs for people who had gone through surgery:  "I did it the hard way - you took the easy way out", "You are a cheater", etc., etc.  I let all of those things get to me and for years let it steer me away from surgery and beating obesity - which I now realize IS a disease that requires treatment, and why the hell would I not use the miracles of modern medicine that are available to me!  

I finally realized that no matter what path I choose to take to lose weight, I am going to need help.  Some people go to doctors, dietitians, or clinics that oversee every step of their weight loss.  Some take medications, some hire trainers...bottom line, they get help!  I have too much weight to lose and far too long a journey to travel to go it alone.  I need help!  There is just no way around that. 

I also FINALLY realized that I didn't give a SHIT about those people who make it their mission to tear others down - those people who make comments about "taking the easy way out" or "cheating" to lose weight.  Further more, how dare they judge someone for taking control and doing whatever it takes to get a healthy body and lifestyle - and frankly, I doubt that many of those individuals were facing a 265 lbs. excess weight situation!  Seriously, I wonder if these same people are out on the Facebook pages and blogs of cancer survivors, telling them that they took the easy way out by using modern medicine to treat their disease!  How dare they not "go it alone" or use the holistic route!  I'm sure those survivors feel like they "cheated" in order to survive!  These are the same people, by the way, who made me feel terrible for giving birth via c-section...I mean, how crazy that when the doctor told me that I needed to go the c-section route to ensure a healthy baby, I DID...how shameful of me!  Really, I should have told him that it was really more important for me to do it the "natural" way, vs. have a healthy baby at the end of it all!  You know, the process is way more important than the outcome!

Bottom line to it all, tonight I left ready to get the ball rolling on this process.  I'm ready to go down this path...and, luckily, so is my husband!  We are doing this together!  And together we will give each other the support we need to get through this and get ourselves on the path to the healthy lifestyle we both want!

TAP, TAP....IS THIS THING STILL ON?

I haven't dropped off the face of the earth...and the best part, I'm doing great!  Making great, healthy choices every day and focused on THAT, vs. the number on a scale.

Blogging takes a lot out of me...I don't know why!!  It starts to cause me an incredible amount of stress and anxiety after a while...and honestly, I just don't need more of that in my life!  ESPECIALLY being an emotional eater!!!

BUT...I am sharing my journey and progress over on Facebook.  Quick updates, and posts work GREAT for my busy lifestyle!  Also, I LOVE how much more interactive FB allows me to be!

For now, all my updates will be going on Facebook or Instagram...if you are still interested as I continue to fight this fight,   You can find me at the "handles" below:

Facebook:  Moving The Mountain
Instagram:  movingthemountain

Hope to see you there!!!

STRIVING FOR PERFECTION

Tonight I'm sitting here, thinking about all the time I've lost on my journey.  All the backtracking, reworking, falling down, getting back up, falling down again.  I wonder why I keep letting it happen?  Why I don't quite seem ready to commit, and change, and move forward.

In my quest for health and fitness, one thing I do know, is that I am constantly concerned about doing it all perfectly...

Eat Perfect.

Track Perfect.

Exercise Perfect.

Blog Perfect.

I leave no allowance for falling short, and of course I fall short daily.  Instead of being happy about what I accomplish, I focus on how and where I fall short.

I am my own worst enemy, without doubt.

It isn't just in this area of my life where this is a problem.  It invades everything I do.  And ultimately, rather than motivate or push me to strive for perfection, it actually makes me shut down, run away from it and hide.

My photography

Writing my personal memoirs

Throwing a birthday party for my children

I am so worried about it being perfect, and I put so much stress on myself because I don't want to be a disappointment to myself or anyone else, and it all becomes too much, and I feel like I'm drowning, so I shut down. I quit.

And because of it, I lose out.  Lose out on something that might not have been perfect, but still so much better than nothing!

And today, that's what I'm thinking about.  What does it look like to try to do this without being perfect, try to do anything, without trying to make it perfect?

Until I figure that out, I don't think I have a prayer.

SNACKING, ISOLATION, & WORDS OF WISDOM

I have been on track since Monday, and it feels really good.

I still find myself struggling at night - I am a night time snacker and it is when I struggle the very most to stay on track.  I just want to put food in my mouth at night - salty, savory, sweet - it really doesn't matter.  In the mornings I am busy getting myself, my girls and my husband ready for work and school.  When I get to work I am BUSY most of the day and I rarely think about snacking.  BUT, when I get home at night and start cooking dinner, and then trying to unwind - well, the desire to comfort eat and snack hits pretty hard.

As I write this post I am consuming sugar free jello with a little cool whip lite on top to curb my current desire to chow down.  And I guess that is the tactic I am using to deal with my desire to eat at night...I am identifying low calorie snacks to carry me through.  So far I have come up with:

Sugar snap peas
Sugar free jello
Baby peppers w/ hummus
Pretzels (19)
94% fat free popcorn

It is working, thank goodness.  Ultimately, though, I want to do away with eating after a certain time at night for a whole host of reasons - weight loss being fairly low on the list.  But right now, I don't think its the time. I am trying to be kind to myself and not over do it while I get back in the swing of things.  And right now, making a menu, being prepared, journaling my food intake, and staying within my calorie range are about all my world can handle.

There have been a couple of posts lately on other blogs that have really resonated with me and helped me feel not quite so alone and isolated on this journey.  Realistically I know there are millions of people out there trying to get fit and get healthy - so I'm definitely not alone.  I have met so many wonderful people through this blog and other blogs, have received such nice comments and words of encouragement...but strangely, at times I just can't help but feel lonely and singled out because I HAVE to go on this journey - not going on the journey isn't really an option.  It helps knowing there are others out there feeling exactly like I do right this minute.  Here are a couple of the posts that have helped me recently:

I read a post by Katie at Runs for Cookies the other day where she said the following:

Sometimes I just get so sick of having to measure out everything I eat. I know that I have to do it (I've tried "mindful eating" lots of times, and it just causes me to binge). Through tons of trial and error, I know that measuring and counting (whether it's PointsPlus or calories) is the best way for ME to maintain/lose weight. But sometimes I just get fed up with it, and wish I could eat like a "normal" person. Anyway, I know my weight will be up tomorrow, but I also know if I get right back to measuring and counting, it'll come right back off.

YES! YES! YES!  I feel exactly the same.  Knowing that this is FOREVER, and that every day will be a day I have to focus on this for the rest of my life - well, sometimes that just plain overwhelms me!!

I also read a great post by Marion at Affection for Fitness that she just posted tonight.  She has had a tough couple of days and she blogged about that...but what I really liked is that rather than focus on the difficulties, she focused on what she was doing to get herself through.  Here was my favorite part:

To be clear to you and myself, I am a food addict. Some part of me has absolutely no problem overeating quite a bit on any given day. And that trait is going to be with me for the rest of my life. And I wish it would go away, but I concretely know that it won't. It doesn't help my confidence to know this vulnerability.

It is on these types of days that it bothers me to know that my health situation is constantly dynamic. I can never rest and forget about it because we keep our health, fitness, and weight by working on it on a daily basis. Yes, daily upkeep is required.

I think hearing it stated so clearly, and so directly is refreshing.

I will be heading to the office early, which bums me out...BUT, it is Friday, so I will rejoice in that!!

Tomorrow is another day on the journey.  I feel ready for it.

I. AM. READY!!!

I woke up this morning and I felt it...

...it was there again....

My drive, my desire, my motivation to eat healthy, track my food - to make this journey happen.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GOOD IT FEELS!!   I MISSED THIS FEELING SO VERY MUCH!!

Can I tell you what made the difference??  YES, YES I ABSOLUTELY CAN!!

I have blogged many, many times about how important planning and organization are to me in order for me to be successful.  When I start to get disorganized in any area of my life, before long it will infect all other areas.

WHY?

I have a theory!

Because both my husband and I work outside of our home, it can be tough for us to stay on top of things ALL the time.  Although we can typically rebound from a small amount of disorganization, when the disorganization goes nuclear and we have multiple areas that are going up in flame, AND we can't seem to find the time to pull ourselves out of it - well, we collapse.  It overwhelms us and frankly, we shut down.

This summer between the weekend trips, the birthday celebrations, the long hours at work, kids going back to school, yard work...YOU NAME IT...our disorganization status hit DEFCON 5 - the alarms sounded, the flashing lights went off, and we basically fled to the bunker rather than face the menace.

Well, on Friday, I took a vacation day to face the menace.  I did laundry, I cleaned, I did yard work, I balanced our budget, I menu planned, I grocery shopped...and it felt GREAT!

This morning, when I woke up, I knew all the hard work over the weekend to restore order to our lives was worth it.  I felt READY! I felt MOTIVATED! I jumped out of bed, got ready, packed my breakfast AND my lunch, filled my water bottle and headed out the door.  As I write the post, at the end of the day, I can proudly say that I tracked my food intake today AND stayed within my calorie range.

PLANNING AND ORGANIZATION.  The undisputed key to my success.

TOO MANY DAMN THOUGHTS

Despite my best intentions (you know what they say about good intentions, right??), I continue to struggle.  I make it a couple of days, at most, and then I just give up. There really isn't any other way to say it...I simply give up.

I think I am over thinking it now.  Honestly, even though it is difficult, weight loss is a fairly simple formula.  So, why am I struggling?

I've had so many different thoughts about why this is so damn hard right now!

• I'm putting too heavy a focus on weight loss and really need to shift my focus to exercise (not sure if I believe this or not - I think both are important, particularly in establishing a true healthy lifestyle)
• I'm subconsciously afraid of becoming thin (not sure about that one either - I've really thought about it but I just can't find anything there...now, with that said, it seems like I do an awful lot of self sabotage just as I am starting to see real success)
• I'm just too busy and I don't have the time or energy to dedicate to this.  Look, I am going to whine a little.  I am a working mom.  I have an awful lot of guilt about being a working mom.  I get up early, go to work, come home later than I should.  I'm exhausted when I get home.  I have a children, a husband, and a household that still need my attention.  Anytime I spend doing something other than focused on these things makes me feel horrible.  HORRIBLE. So, every night I come home and say "I'm going to work out tonight", but then I find a million reasons why I can't possibly spare 30 minutes.  At risk of offending some stay at home moms out there, I really can't take hearing another one complain about how busy they are...play dates, aerobics classes, yoga classes...GIVE.ME.A.BREAK (Yes, folks, this is sour grapes in action.  SOUR GRAPES)!  THEN, then I remember that my dear blog friend Leigh - well, she's a working mom, a weight loss superstar AND now a kick a** runner!!! 
• I'm jealous of skinny biyotches (excuse me to all my skinny friends - I really do love you) who can eat whatever the hell they want and never gain a pound! (Green. Eyed. Jealousy. Monster!! Yes, that's me)
• I just want to live "normal" - seriously, this is a thought process I have!!!  Like overeating and gaining weight uncontrolled is NORMAL!  (I think I may need to evaluate my definition of normal!)
• I've become so overwhelmed and disorganized in other parts of my life - Laundry overflowing, housework - so far behind, finances - ugh!, church life - non-existent...and all of this makes me feel like I just can't get control of anything (yeah, so letting my weight balloon out of control...that is going to help, right??)

Too, too many thoughts...and at the end of the day, I think the answer is to JUST DO IT!!!  

**deep sigh**

I've heard from so many of you out there who are struggling too.  Thank you for your encouragement, thank you for sharing your stories!!  I really do appreciate it.  I know that we are capable of making this momentous change in our lives...I think we all need to believe that too...and then JUST DO IT!

I don't know if I will have great stories of success to share right now, but I am going to stop avoiding this blog like the plague.  

By the way - I've gained 19 lbs. back.  **sad head shake**

HITTING THE SKIDS

I've been avoiding my blog - avoiding it like the plague...avoiding having to come here and admit that my weight loss journey has hit the skids.  But it has....and frankly, I am having a hard time getting back on track.

I know I am full of excuses right now, and I know I need to stop making them.

I read a blog post about a week ago about being a victim - allowing yourself to be a victim by turning to food.  The post bugged me at first...but I have thought about it so many times since I read it, and I realize it bugged me because it is true.

I am allowing myself to be a victim - a victim of my emotions and my desire to "self medicate" with food.  I allow it to control me, allow it to make me feel sad and feel bad about myself - I allow it to victimize me.

I am trying to get my head right.  Trying to stop being a victim.

Deep Sigh.  It feels harder than it should.