WISDOM BEYOND HER YEARS - ADVICE FROM A LITTLE SISTER

Sometimes my little sister (she's 35, but hey, to me she will always be my little sister) has more wisdom than I give her credit for.  Today I thought I would give her a little credit for some of that wisdom, because, WELL,  she deserves it!!

Last week I posted that I had struggled emotionally and overall felt frustrated and overwhelmed by my weight loss journey.  Kelly (that's my little sister) read my post and offered me the following sage advice:

I really feel you! I've been trying to focus on my small goal (XX lbs. by our niece's wedding) rather than my ultimate goal (XXX lbs...a total loss of XXX big ones). Makes it feel a little more manageable. After her wedding, I'm going to set another more manageable goal... Maybe another XXX before Christmas? Who knows. But taking it in little bites is easier than trying to swallow it whole. And there's a happy little food analogy from a fellow addict!

I decided to do some editing on her comment - if she wants to share her journey, I will let her make that decision - I won't share it for her.  Although I am extremely proud of her for the progress she is making!!

Her comment really resonated with me!

I have been SO focused on getting below 400 lbs - I mean obsessively focused, that once it happened, I didn't really have anything else to turn my focus towards.  All of a sudden all I could see was a very long road in front of me to get to my goal weight.  Instead of feeling good about my accomplishments so far, all I felt was frustrated and overwhelmed.  When I looked in the mirror I saw nothing of the progress made, I just saw more to do.  And that felt really crappy!  SO, I decided Kelly was right on with her observation of the situation, and so I decided to set another goal to get me focused.

In July I will celebrate another year of life here on the planet and I thought that would be a fitting date to set a goal around.  My average weight loss right now is between 3 - 4 lbs. each week. So, I am planning to lose another 48 lbs. by my birthday.  That will put me below 350 lbs. - and let me tell you what!  THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!! **

I feel new life breathed into my journey.  I don't feel down in the dumps - ready to snap and binge eat at any moment.  WHAT A RELIEF!!

I owe it to my little sister - THANKS KELLY!!!!

Sometimes little sisters have wisdom beyond their years!!!  Mine seems to for sure!

Kelly has been reading Chris Powell's book 'Choose to Lose' - and she has nothing but good things to say about it.  She has learned a lot that is helping her to make and reach her own goals!  I am going to have to break down and read it myself!!!  I will let you know what I think!

**Oh yeah,  PLEASE don't tell me that planning for 3-4 lbs. of weight loss is too lofty. The recommended weight loss of 1 - 2 lbs. each week is based on 1% of the average person's body weight.  WELL, I am not the average person where my weight is concerned (at least not yet), and  3 - 4 lbs. is 1% of my body weight - Based on the 'science' used to arrive at a 1 - 2 lbs weekly weight loss goal, I think 3 - 4 lbs is reasonable for me.**

AN EMOTIONAL WEEK & A WEIGH IN

I was so relieved when Friday finally hit this week.  It has been a rough week. 

I have been struggling emotionally this last week - it hasn't spilled over into emotional eating - but, I feel like if I don't figure out what is going on, it could.   I have felt frustrated with my job, frustrated with finances, frustrated with housekeeping.  I want more free time, more time to focus on my kids, more time to focus on myself.  But most of all, I feel frustrated that two months of hard work to lose what is now 35.6 lbs. is hardly noticeable.

Today I took my daughters to buy junior bridesmaids dresses - my niece is getting married and the girls are in the wedding.  We are all thrilled for my niece and my daughters are over the moon to be junior bridesmaids.  They are so, so, so excited.  Of course, going to pick out dresses in a bridal shop means lots and lots of mirrors.  As I looked at myself in those mirrors, I felt very discouraged.  What I saw was a woman who still has so much weight to lose.  And then I felt overwhelmed by it all.   Here I was at a very happy occasion  with my niece who is so excited, and my daughters who had looked forward to picking their dresses for 3 weeks - and all I could think about was myself and how bad I looked....and that made me feel worst of all.

I wish I could pinpoint what really started me down this path this week - but I can't.  Nothing has gone wrong, nothing out of the ordinary has happened.  Yet, here I am feeling emotional, and frustrated and overwhelmed.

I really hope next week brings happier thoughts and feelings.  I really do.

Alright, enough of my pity party.  Today was my weigh in.  I felt really good going into it.  I had been spot on this entire week - always within my calorie range, usually on the lower end.  When I got ready to weigh, I felt pretty confident I was going to see a loss...and so I did.  

Today I weighed in at 394.4 - a 4.2 lbs. loss from last week.  

I am thrilled the scale continues to go down each week....but I'll be honest, I felt disappointed by the results today.  I think maybe too much Biggest Loser this week, causing totally unrealistic expectations of weight loss.  I need to remember that losing double digits each week is not realistic and not something I should be targeting.

One change I did make this week - a change I SWORE wouldn't happen, was switching to the Sara Lee Delightful 45 calorie bread.  I love really hearty bread - but I just cannot justify 120 calories per slice when there is a lower calorie option out there that isn't completely horrible.  I'm sure I will occassionally eat my Great Grains multi-grain bread with flax seed - but for the most part I think I will be sticking with Sara Lee.  It really isn't that bad - especially if it is toasted. 

Well, that's my story this week...it was an emotional one, and I need to figure out why...but I am still on track.  And even though it feels rough right now - I know it will feel worse if I give up.

So I won't.

THE FINALE

Tonight is why I tolerate Biggest Loser.

Watching these people transform their lives...step on that scale and see their goal achieved...well, it is more than just a little bit inspiring.  I can't count the number of times I have cried tonight.

These people have made it - yes, they had a lot of help - but who cares!  THEY DID IT!  They remind all of us still on the journey that we can do it!  That one day we can reach our goals, transform our lives, and overcome this addiction.

And the kids...oh my, those kids!

• Lindsay, I bawled like a baby when you showed your cheerleading chops tonight...I mean, I BAWLED.  You are such a sweetie! 
• Bingo, OH MY...I am watching you right now, and let me tell you...you are hurting me.  Little Bingo!  You are too much!  I love you!  You are a total inspiration at age 13!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME! 
• Sunny, you stun  me.  You are wise beyond your years and I hope all the best for you!!

I have to stop watching this!  It is just killing me tonight - in the best ways possible!

Here are the people who touched my heart this season...

• Joe - CANNOT get over your transformation!  Seriously, you are one sexy beast!
• Gina - I could not be happier for you!  You were amazing this season!  Your heart, your soul, your tenacity...you are the dream lady, you are the dream!
• Pam - We are soul sisters - I just know it!  You have some spunk lady and oh. my. hell. how you inspire me!  I am doing your happy dance at every, single weigh in!
• Francelina - Move over Beyonce!  Man, you owned the screen tonight!  I LOVE YOUR HAIR!!!! Seriously, you looked absolutely amazing!
• David - Your story was beyond moving.  You are a fantastic father and your family is so lucky to have you!  And, oh boy...THOSE GUNS!
• Lisa - Your transformation floored me!  FLOORED ME!  You kicked A** and took names!  WAY TO GO!
• Jackson - A fellow Utahn...and I couldn't be more proud!  You look amazing and I am so so so thrilled for you! 

OK...here they come, the top 2!!!!

• Jeff - I have absolutely no words!  You are so amazing!  Your Dad is proud...he is so, damn, proud!
• Danni - you haven't come out yet, but I want you to know how much you inspired me this season.  You looked amazing at week 11, and I'm sure you will look fantastic tonight!  Yep, you look AMAZING.  I cannot get over it.  I am in tears.  Seriously....AMAZING.

Look, I don't care about the debate over Biggest Loser tonight.  What I care about are these people, their journey, and their accomplishments.

And one day...ONE DAY...I will have my own finale!

CANNOT WAIT!

ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION

Today Chris and I celebrated our 12th anniversary!

I woke up so sore and achy!  Yesterday the weather here was gorgeous and we decided to get our first  yard work of the season done.  Seriously, there is not a part of my body that is not sore today!  Weeding, raking, cutting, hauling - it is a work out and today, I AM FEELING IT!

Because I was feeling so sore, and Chris was too, we ended up starting our morning lazing in bed with our daughters and playing the Logo Game on our kindles.  Logo Game is totally addictive!!!  How we get onto these things, I will never know...but we spent no less than 2 hours playing that game this morning!

At some point my oldest daughter said she wanted to paint my toe nails green.  You see, on my wedding day I had my toe nails painted a very vibrant green and had little St. Patrick's Day sayings and shamrocks on them.  She wanted to re-create the magic!!!  So, while I kept playing the Logo Game, she painted my toe nails. When she was done I was inspired and I ended up with green toe nails, green finger nails, green eye make-up and a shamrock tattoo on  my cheek.  Over the top?  Maybe a little, but you know what, you only live once!

The girls decided they needed to get their green on as well, so off they went to primp.  When they were done we all looked so festive!  We decided there was no way we could just hang around the house and watch movies (the original plan).  Chris threw on some festive green and we all loaded in the van and headed out.  We were all starved since we had spent the morning guessing logos (ugh!), so we decided to head up to MacCool's Public House and celebrate the day in style.

MacCool's is this awesome little Irish Pub that we discovered several years ago.  The location nearest to us closed and we haven't been there for quite a while.  I was SO excited to eat there...but at the same time, I was worried.

I'll admit, part of the reason Chris and I didn't go away for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary is because I was worried about getting off track.  I have gone off the rails on more than one "special occasion" - Thanksgiving 2005 stands out as one of the biggest diet fails of my life - and I was determined that was not going to happen today...especially now that I reached my big milestone!

So, as we pulled into MacCool's, I started to get a little nervous.  I hadn't eaten breakfast (not healthy, I know...but I was glad to have the calories) and I was starved.  That is NEVER a good way to go into a restaurant where you want to have some semblance of self control.  I ended up ordering the Irish Meatloaf (yes, that is a real thing) with mashed potatoes, green beans, fresh sliced tomato and a little side salad.  It was all DELICIOUS, worth the wait, and you know what??  I was well within my calorie range...and I felt incredibly satisfied!

SUCCESS!!!

My big discovery of the day! Sliced tomatoes with salt and pepper on them are FANTASTIC!  I mean, DELICIOUS!  I absolutely will be eating that again in the not too distant future!!!

After lunch we did some grocery shopping and headed home and vegged out for the rest of the day.

It was such a nice, peaceful day!

I just want to publicly state that I believe myself to be one of the luckiest women around.  I have been married to my best friend for 12 years!  Our story is truly something fairy tales are made of (I mean that!!). I love him with all my heart and cannot wait for the what is to come!  

AND to be able to celebrate without sidelining our goals!  Well, pretty damn awesome!

Great day, great anniversary!  I am a lucky woman!

Happy St. Paddy's Day!!!

THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKIN' ABOUT!!!

Let me tell you, I could not sleep last night.  I must have woken up no less than 10 times - anxious for this weigh in.  I REALLY wanted to make this milestone!  It means something to me...It means A LOT to me!

At 7:53 I couldn't take it any more - that and the construction workers on the house being built behind me started hammering (seriously, who starts hammering before 8:00 AM on a weekend!!!) - so I got up and started my pre-weigh ritual.

I was too nervous to get on the scale so I woke Chris up and made him go first.  He had a great weight loss!!!  I was so proud of him!  I couldn't take it any more son on the scale I went...and this is what I saw....

The picture is blurry, my toes are hideous....but that number is GLORIOUS!

I DID IT!  I bid farewell to the 400's and said hello to Three Street!

I won't lie, I cried.

I don't care how much weight I have left to lose today, I don't care that I still weight quite a bit.  Today, all I care about is reaching my first major milestone on this weight loss journey...and it feels oh, so good!

And THAT is what I am talking about!!!!!!

RISKY MEALS

Today I took a risk for lunch - one that I was not very excited about.

You see, I was rushing out the door this morning and remembered - HEY, I NEED A LUNCH!  There was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to eat out the day before weigh in, so stopping and putting something together was of premier importance.  In general, I try not to eat out any more anyway, but the day before weigh in - not doable.

So, I opened the fridge and grabbed out some left over vegetarian chili, left over rice, made myself a green salad and out the door I went.

I was not thrilled.

When it was time for lunch I told my friend, Rebecca B.,  that I was not looking forward to my meal in any way shape or form...BUT, I didn't care.  I would have to suffer through it because, as I stated above, there was NO WAY IN HELL I wasn't going to eat out on the day before a weigh in.

I sat down, resigned to my lunch fate, and put together my meal. And you know what...it wasn't half bad!  With a little tweaking I think it could be a pretty good meal!  AND, it was VERY, VERY filling!

Happy twist of fate! Rebs and I have decided to name it V-Chice!  I love it!

On another note, I am looking forward, with a little anxiousness, to my weigh in tomorrow.  Whether I make my milestone or not, I will keep moving forward.  I mean, how long can Three Street elude me!  If I stay on the path, I will be there.

My hubs is hoping I make it!!!!

Keeping my fingers crossed for a good weigh in!!!!

GREAT NEWS TODAY!

I went to the doctor this morning - I am not feeling well - turned out to be a sinus infection.  Antibiotics here I come.

So, why do I share that....here's why.

My Blood Pressure was almost in the normal range!!!  This is HUGE!  I am un-medicated right now, so that is ALL ME!

I talked to the doctor about it and he said that my weight loss is already having a huge impact on my health!  He said that every 20 lbs. lost will lower your BP by 8 points on top (missed what he said on bottom).

Anyway, I am over the moon about it!

One more reason to stay motivated!

Who cares that I still have a boat load of lbs. still to lose!  I am already seeing the benefits, and this was a big one!

Feel like the world is my oyster right now (through the sniffles and pain of the sinus infection)!

BACK FROM THE EDGE OF INSANITY

I'm back from the edge of insanity, and in recovery from my carb overload on Monday.

I knew that I had kind of lost it when my husband told me that one of his friends saw my blog post and called him to make sure that I was OK.

Yep...I can get just a little crazy.

But you know, this is really important to me!  I really want to be successful and get healthy!  For whatever reason on Monday it just felt like everything was falling apart - and sadly, it was exactly what I was expecting to happen!

I have avoided talking actual weight lately - I don't know why, I just have - I'm not ashamed of my weight...I hate it when people are!!! It is a part of me! Yes, a part I want to change, but a part of me nonetheless and feeling ashamed of it is actually counterproductive - so I don't.  I like my curves!  I just want them to be smaller!!!

So, here is the thing...I am at 402.2 lbs. right now.   I can see Three Street!!!  I can smell it - I want to get there so badly!  this is a major milestone for me!  Bidding farewell to the four hundreds..."see ya, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!!!"...I'm ready.  BUT, I have been at this point before - I have been this close before - in fact exactly one year ago at this time I was right where I am now...and you know what, I failed.  I back slid.  I didn't hit the milestone AND I gave up.

I'm terrified of it happening again.

So, on Monday when I felt all sick and bloated and gross from eating a carb laden dinner, well, I was convinced it was the beginning of the end.

It wasn't.

Tuesday I was a rock star.  I was right back on track.  I decided to try to ease up on breads, rice, etc. all around - not give it up, but pay closer attention and limit it somewhat - just try to get better control.

Today has been the same.  Doing well, choosing less carbs and driving forward.

I don't know if I will hit Three Street this week - I hope so - but if I don't, I will keep trying!!

On another note, I am THRILLED to report that I have actively logged my food intake EVERY. EFFING. SINGLE. DAY since January 28, 2013!!!  That is a major milestone unto itself and I am damn proud of it!  It has made a huge difference in my focus, my control, and my success.

GO FIGURE!!!

SO. NOT. WORTH. IT!!!

I am so frustrated right now...SO FRUSTRATED!

Tonight for dinner we planned to have Indian food at home - it wasn't restaurant food, it was all store bought stuff - a lot of Trader Joe's, etc.

EVERYTHING we ate was some type of a carb.  No veggies.   Carbs, Carbs, Carbs, Carbs.  As I sit there and ate I worried about the calories - but, I went into dinner with a lot of calories left for the day, so I thought it would be OK.

Lesson 1 - don't put anything on your plate unless you understand the calories

Lesson 2 - carbs are filled with calories and it is no wonder that low carb diets work.

When all was said and done I logged a whopping 1022 calories for a hack rate, crappy, knock off Indian food meal.

Now I feel sick to my stomach, and angry for not being more careful, and angry I would throw so many calories away on crap like that.

I went over my calories for the day by 56 - so, so, so unhappy about it.

I feel so disgusted right now.  In 6 weeks I haven't felt this crappy or this disappointed.  I feel like I let myself down and I am mad.  I am also just thinking "Hey, your big milestone is in sight...so, sure....do everything possible to sabotage it Connie!".

This just sucks.

AND, bottom line....

It was so not worth it.

TIME FLIES!!

It is so crazy how quickly each week is passing right now!  Last time I wrote an update was over a week ago....and that is just madness to me!  I guess with a busy work schedule and a busy home schedule, time just gets away from me.

So, yesterday was my weigh in.  I also decided to take measurements for the first time.

Weigh in went well.  I still didn't hit my BIG milestone goal, but every week gets me closer.  I am hoping, hoping, hoping that this next weigh in will do it!!!

I ended up losing 3.2 lbs.

Total weight loss right now is 27.8 lbs.

I'm not going to lie, I feel pretty good about that.  Even though there were some weeks that didn't go exactly how I had hoped, in the end it has all added up to a chunk of weight loss that I am pretty happy about!  NOW, I still have a long way to go, but I am feeling great about things so far.

I told Chris, my very supportive spouse who is currently on his own weight loss journey, that I am feeling a little nervous because this is the point in my weight loss attempts where I have repeatedly stalled...my milestone in sight, within a hair's breath of achieving it...I fall apart.  I am determined NOT to allow that to happen this time.  Even if I don't hit this milestone next week, every week of progress gets me closer to it, right?? So, I am just going to keep moving forward!

This week a couple of moments that stood out this week:

• I had my first "Hey, you look like you have lost weight comment".  Always nice to hear!  A little frustrating it takes almost 30 lbs. lost to hear it, but that is normal for me.  I'm big and it takes a while for it to be noticeable.
• Big Stir Fry break through this week (yes, I realize how ridiculous that sentence sounds!).  We typically stir fry with frozen veggies.  This week, out of shear necessity (our frozen stir fry veggies were freezer burned) we used fresh veggies for our stir fry.  Oh. My. Hell.  What have I been missing!  I have never looked forward to our stir fry, but I will now!  The fresh veggies tasted SO good!  The whole dish was fantastic!  AND, so low in calories!  I am looking for new, fresh ways to stir fry, so if you have any recommendations, let me know.

Some things I struggled with over this last week:

• Although the feedback from the scale is great, I still struggle when I look in the mirror.  That really frustrates me - I am a fairly confident person, in spite of my weight - but right now, I am struggling.  I keep finding so many faults with myself...and I hate that!  This week I just kept thinking "how long until I actually like my body?"  
• I am still struggling to include exercise in my daily routine.  I realize that this is all on me and when I make it important, it will be. Again, if weight loss were my only goal, I suppose this wouldn't be that big of a deal - weight loss is 70% determined by what we eat.  BUT, my goal is long term change and fitness - so continuing to ignore exercise isn't really going to fly.  Also, I know that exercise will reshape my body - see above struggle - clearly this is going to be important to me.  So many of the weight loss blogs I read talk about not including exercise until well into their journey, or even after hitting goal weight.  They aren't really promoting that - its just how it happened - I swear I use that as an excuse to wait....but, I don't want to do that.  I just don't.  I hope next week I have better results to report on this front!

Start of week 7 - 27.8 lbs. gone - many, many, many to go...but feeling good about the progress and motivated for the week to come!

ANOTHER WEIGH IN

This morning was my weigh in.  I won't lie, I was nervous.  After being skunked on the scale last week...well, I just couldn't take another week of skunkage.

Last week, after my disappointment  I really took a hard look at my food intake during the week.  Although I had stayed in my calorie range every day, I had eaten out more than I should have.  Here is the thing about eating out.  It is expensive, for sure AND you really never know exactly how many calories you are getting.   You also consume  SO MUCH sodium, and that is just not good for weight loss.  I'm not trying to cut out sodium (at least not right now), but I also am not trying to dramatically increase the amount of sodium I consume.

Anyway, I went into this week determined not to eat out.  I want more control of the calories I am consuming, and the fact is I can't do that and eat out.  So, even though my work brought in lunch 2 x's this week, I ate my own lunches.  No dinner eat outs.  My own meals every day this week.

That on its own is a MAJOR victory!  In fact, I consider that my greatest accomplishment of the week!

So, how did that all translate to the scale this week???   A 6.6 lbs. loss, that's how it translated!

I am thrilled!  I have a major milestone coming up, and it is within striking distance right now!

So, start of week 6...feeling great, feeling focused!!!

BREAKFAST TODAY!!!

I just have to take a minute to brag about the killer breakfast we made this morning.  We had some pretty fantastic bagel sandwiches that we made right here at the homestead!!  Here's how we did it:

Bagel Thin (lightly toasted)

Whipped Cream Cheese - 1 T

Egg - scrambled, or over easy or over medium

1 slice reduced fat colby jack

1 serving Ham or Turkey sausage (I opted for Ham, the family had turkey sausage)

We assembled the sandwich and then melted the cheese in the oven.  The calories - 350 (for the ham) and OH SO MUCH better than a damn McDonald's egg mcmuffin! 

We served it with a 1/4 apple, 1/4 orange and 1/2 banana.  

SO SATISFYING!!!!!  And every calorie accounted for!

Ok, this diet thing is really working for me right now!