SNACKING, ISOLATION, & WORDS OF WISDOM

I have been on track since Monday, and it feels really good.

I still find myself struggling at night - I am a night time snacker and it is when I struggle the very most to stay on track.  I just want to put food in my mouth at night - salty, savory, sweet - it really doesn't matter.  In the mornings I am busy getting myself, my girls and my husband ready for work and school.  When I get to work I am BUSY most of the day and I rarely think about snacking.  BUT, when I get home at night and start cooking dinner, and then trying to unwind - well, the desire to comfort eat and snack hits pretty hard.

As I write this post I am consuming sugar free jello with a little cool whip lite on top to curb my current desire to chow down.  And I guess that is the tactic I am using to deal with my desire to eat at night...I am identifying low calorie snacks to carry me through.  So far I have come up with:

Sugar snap peas
Sugar free jello
Baby peppers w/ hummus
Pretzels (19)
94% fat free popcorn

It is working, thank goodness.  Ultimately, though, I want to do away with eating after a certain time at night for a whole host of reasons - weight loss being fairly low on the list.  But right now, I don't think its the time. I am trying to be kind to myself and not over do it while I get back in the swing of things.  And right now, making a menu, being prepared, journaling my food intake, and staying within my calorie range are about all my world can handle.

There have been a couple of posts lately on other blogs that have really resonated with me and helped me feel not quite so alone and isolated on this journey.  Realistically I know there are millions of people out there trying to get fit and get healthy - so I'm definitely not alone.  I have met so many wonderful people through this blog and other blogs, have received such nice comments and words of encouragement...but strangely, at times I just can't help but feel lonely and singled out because I HAVE to go on this journey - not going on the journey isn't really an option.  It helps knowing there are others out there feeling exactly like I do right this minute.  Here are a couple of the posts that have helped me recently:

I read a post by Katie at Runs for Cookies the other day where she said the following:

Sometimes I just get so sick of having to measure out everything I eat. I know that I have to do it (I've tried "mindful eating" lots of times, and it just causes me to binge). Through tons of trial and error, I know that measuring and counting (whether it's PointsPlus or calories) is the best way for ME to maintain/lose weight. But sometimes I just get fed up with it, and wish I could eat like a "normal" person. Anyway, I know my weight will be up tomorrow, but I also know if I get right back to measuring and counting, it'll come right back off.

YES! YES! YES!  I feel exactly the same.  Knowing that this is FOREVER, and that every day will be a day I have to focus on this for the rest of my life - well, sometimes that just plain overwhelms me!!

I also read a great post by Marion at Affection for Fitness that she just posted tonight.  She has had a tough couple of days and she blogged about that...but what I really liked is that rather than focus on the difficulties, she focused on what she was doing to get herself through.  Here was my favorite part:

To be clear to you and myself, I am a food addict. Some part of me has absolutely no problem overeating quite a bit on any given day. And that trait is going to be with me for the rest of my life. And I wish it would go away, but I concretely know that it won't. It doesn't help my confidence to know this vulnerability.

It is on these types of days that it bothers me to know that my health situation is constantly dynamic. I can never rest and forget about it because we keep our health, fitness, and weight by working on it on a daily basis. Yes, daily upkeep is required.

I think hearing it stated so clearly, and so directly is refreshing.

I will be heading to the office early, which bums me out...BUT, it is Friday, so I will rejoice in that!!

Tomorrow is another day on the journey.  I feel ready for it.

I. AM. READY!!!

I woke up this morning and I felt it...

...it was there again....

My drive, my desire, my motivation to eat healthy, track my food - to make this journey happen.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GOOD IT FEELS!!   I MISSED THIS FEELING SO VERY MUCH!!

Can I tell you what made the difference??  YES, YES I ABSOLUTELY CAN!!

I have blogged many, many times about how important planning and organization are to me in order for me to be successful.  When I start to get disorganized in any area of my life, before long it will infect all other areas.

WHY?

I have a theory!

Because both my husband and I work outside of our home, it can be tough for us to stay on top of things ALL the time.  Although we can typically rebound from a small amount of disorganization, when the disorganization goes nuclear and we have multiple areas that are going up in flame, AND we can't seem to find the time to pull ourselves out of it - well, we collapse.  It overwhelms us and frankly, we shut down.

This summer between the weekend trips, the birthday celebrations, the long hours at work, kids going back to school, yard work...YOU NAME IT...our disorganization status hit DEFCON 5 - the alarms sounded, the flashing lights went off, and we basically fled to the bunker rather than face the menace.

Well, on Friday, I took a vacation day to face the menace.  I did laundry, I cleaned, I did yard work, I balanced our budget, I menu planned, I grocery shopped...and it felt GREAT!

This morning, when I woke up, I knew all the hard work over the weekend to restore order to our lives was worth it.  I felt READY! I felt MOTIVATED! I jumped out of bed, got ready, packed my breakfast AND my lunch, filled my water bottle and headed out the door.  As I write the post, at the end of the day, I can proudly say that I tracked my food intake today AND stayed within my calorie range.

PLANNING AND ORGANIZATION.  The undisputed key to my success.

TOO MANY DAMN THOUGHTS

Despite my best intentions (you know what they say about good intentions, right??), I continue to struggle.  I make it a couple of days, at most, and then I just give up. There really isn't any other way to say it...I simply give up.

I think I am over thinking it now.  Honestly, even though it is difficult, weight loss is a fairly simple formula.  So, why am I struggling?

I've had so many different thoughts about why this is so damn hard right now!

• I'm putting too heavy a focus on weight loss and really need to shift my focus to exercise (not sure if I believe this or not - I think both are important, particularly in establishing a true healthy lifestyle)
• I'm subconsciously afraid of becoming thin (not sure about that one either - I've really thought about it but I just can't find anything there...now, with that said, it seems like I do an awful lot of self sabotage just as I am starting to see real success)
• I'm just too busy and I don't have the time or energy to dedicate to this.  Look, I am going to whine a little.  I am a working mom.  I have an awful lot of guilt about being a working mom.  I get up early, go to work, come home later than I should.  I'm exhausted when I get home.  I have a children, a husband, and a household that still need my attention.  Anytime I spend doing something other than focused on these things makes me feel horrible.  HORRIBLE. So, every night I come home and say "I'm going to work out tonight", but then I find a million reasons why I can't possibly spare 30 minutes.  At risk of offending some stay at home moms out there, I really can't take hearing another one complain about how busy they are...play dates, aerobics classes, yoga classes...GIVE.ME.A.BREAK (Yes, folks, this is sour grapes in action.  SOUR GRAPES)!  THEN, then I remember that my dear blog friend Leigh - well, she's a working mom, a weight loss superstar AND now a kick a** runner!!! 
• I'm jealous of skinny biyotches (excuse me to all my skinny friends - I really do love you) who can eat whatever the hell they want and never gain a pound! (Green. Eyed. Jealousy. Monster!! Yes, that's me)
• I just want to live "normal" - seriously, this is a thought process I have!!!  Like overeating and gaining weight uncontrolled is NORMAL!  (I think I may need to evaluate my definition of normal!)
• I've become so overwhelmed and disorganized in other parts of my life - Laundry overflowing, housework - so far behind, finances - ugh!, church life - non-existent...and all of this makes me feel like I just can't get control of anything (yeah, so letting my weight balloon out of control...that is going to help, right??)

Too, too many thoughts...and at the end of the day, I think the answer is to JUST DO IT!!!  

**deep sigh**

I've heard from so many of you out there who are struggling too.  Thank you for your encouragement, thank you for sharing your stories!!  I really do appreciate it.  I know that we are capable of making this momentous change in our lives...I think we all need to believe that too...and then JUST DO IT!

I don't know if I will have great stories of success to share right now, but I am going to stop avoiding this blog like the plague.  

By the way - I've gained 19 lbs. back.  **sad head shake**