Sometimes life just makes me tired.
Really tired.
And right now, Life has kicked it into high gear and I feel down right narcoleptic.
This week my girls started back to school. Back to school is an incredibly stressful and frustrating time for me. Most parents are jumping with joy, welcoming the return of schedules and normalcy to their lives. The boredom of the summer is over, replaced with classwork and friends and purpose!
Me, on the other hand, I am trying to figure out if I can sell the story that we are American Gypsies and we are pulling our daughters from school because - HEY - they need to be learning to cook and clean so they can prepare themselves for a life of servitude to undeserving men who will never appreciate all they do...
OK, I think my feminism might show through a little too much for me to effectively sell that story!
Anyway, point being, back to school is incredibly stressful for me, and here's why:
The school my kids attend, although wonderful in many aspects, is completely incompatible with the schedules of working parents. The start and end times make it impossible to effectively get my kids to and from school without begging for help from other parents - who, let's face it, have their own set of problems to deal with (please know there are those who have extended their help to me and I appreciate them more than I could ever say)! Overall, it just makes me feel crappy that I can't do for my kids what I should be able to for them - for my reason for living, the most important thing in my life - and I can't EFFING GET THEM TO SCHOOL BECAUSE IT STARTS 25 MINUTES LATER THAN IS COMPATIBLE WITH MY WORK SCHEDULE! 25 MINUTES IS DESTROYING MY SANITY RIGHT NOW!!!
Yes, I could have them walk to and from school - but the town I live in has provided NO safe walkways for children. There are no sidewalks to the school and so the children walk ON the road or in the gravel NEXT to the road. They did attempt to install a walkway made of asphalt - but they ran it down the side of the road where the children would have to cross MULTIPLE streets - without the assistance of a crossing guard, instead of running it down the other side of the road where that would not be an issue. AND SO, last year a child was hit by a car on this supposed "safe walkway".
Oh yeah, and then there is the whole PEDOPHILE thing that every parent in America worries about - that some disgusting, perverted human being is stalking their kids, waiting for the opportunity to grab them from the so called "safe walkway".
There are no before or after school programs to help ease the burden (even though many other schools and districts in the area have implemented similar programs)...and I'm sure that inquiring about the possibility of getting something in place will be met with a lot of excuses (mainly financial) as to why it can't happen.
And all of this combined with a very high maintenance parent who, although I love very much, I am tired of dealing with, stressful in-law relationships, maintaining a household, being an active member of my church, going to work everyday - and oh yeah, that roller coaster I am on called weight loss - and you have the making of a VERY tiring life situation.
And so, today, I feel tired and worn out from it all.
So, how did I deal with it?
Not well. Not well at all.
Today I snapped like a twig, drove to the local McDonald's and drowned my sorrows in a quarter pounder, a large fry and the biggest Coke they could provide me.
And sadly, I feel better.
Yes - it is only temporary relief - but right now, I'll take it.
Look, if you are thinking "Come on, you have so many blessings" - you would be right - but today I can't see the forest through the trees.
AND, if you are reading this and saying "food isn't the answer", you would be right too...but when food has been your comfort - the thing you have fled to for 18 years to make it all go away - finding a different answer is far harder than you might imagine.
What I know is this.
Life makes us all tired sometimes. And when we are tired, we don't always deal with things the best way possible - and that's OK.
A good nights sleep will change perspective and make all the difference. So here is to the best damn sleep ever - tomorrow is a new day.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
WEIGH IN: Saturday, August 25, 2012
My weigh in is complete:
404.2 lbs.
-0.8 lbs.
I must admit I was a little disappointed. I'm sure my weekend in Wendover, UT with 2 visits to the buffet did not help the situation...BUT, overall, I am glad the number is still moving in the right direction.
I AM MOMENTS FROM BREAKING THAT DAMN 400 LBS. MILESTONE, AND COME HELL OR HIGHWATER, IT WILL HAPPEN!!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
HAVE A LITTLE FAITH
A few years ago the Hubs and I went to a concert at a wonderful outdoor amphitheater here in the Salt Lake area. The performer was John Hiatt. I had recently fallen in love with his music after hearing it on the movie "Raising Helen", and I was beyond excited to see him perform.
I hadn't spent much time getting to know Mr. Hiatt's music, so I was surprised to find out that he was the writer of MANY songs that I truly loved. One of them was 'Have a Little Faith'.
The night we saw him in concert it was HOT - I mean blazing hot. The first two-thirds of the concert were nearly unbearable - we were frying, and melting, and languishing. But, finally the sun fell behind the mountains, and it started to cool just a bit - and a fantastic summer breeze started to blow through the amphitheater.
It was then that Mr. Hiatt performed 'Have a Little Faith'.
He performed the song without any back up - just him and his piano. Besides his singing, there were no other noises except the rustling of the leaves on the trees from the fantastic summer breeze that had just found our little neck of the woods. No kids crying, no noise from the crowd, no sound from the parking lot - just John Hiatt.
It was a spiritual experience. There is no other way to describe it. The absolute peace and beauty of that moment was overwhelming and by the end of the song I had tears running down my face.
The Hubs and I often talk about that concert and John Hiatt's performance of 'Have a Little Faith'. We remember it fondly - it is one of those moments in our lives together that we will never forget. It changes us a little.
Last night as I struggled with frustrations and irritations and ultimately with the desire to eat away my emotions, that experience popped into my head - that peaceful, beautiful rendition of 'Have a Little Faith'.
I realized that the memory of that moment was coming to me as a gentle reminder that I need to Have a Little Faith.
Faith in myself that I can make the right choices - even when it feels like I can't.
Faith that if I will block out the unnecessary noise of the day, I will hear the beautiful message that is being carried to me.
Faith that, just like the hot, blazing sun sank behind the mountains, all of these frustrations and irritations will too sink and the heat will pass and the cool breeze will start to blow - and everything will be OK. Everything will be OK.
Faith that there is someone out there who is my BIGGEST supporter, and he has no intention of letting me fail, if I will just let him walk with me - and listen when he reminds me to Have a Little Faith.
So, today I have a new perspective.
TODAY I HAVE A LITTLE FAITH.
I hadn't spent much time getting to know Mr. Hiatt's music, so I was surprised to find out that he was the writer of MANY songs that I truly loved. One of them was 'Have a Little Faith'.
The night we saw him in concert it was HOT - I mean blazing hot. The first two-thirds of the concert were nearly unbearable - we were frying, and melting, and languishing. But, finally the sun fell behind the mountains, and it started to cool just a bit - and a fantastic summer breeze started to blow through the amphitheater.
It was then that Mr. Hiatt performed 'Have a Little Faith'.
He performed the song without any back up - just him and his piano. Besides his singing, there were no other noises except the rustling of the leaves on the trees from the fantastic summer breeze that had just found our little neck of the woods. No kids crying, no noise from the crowd, no sound from the parking lot - just John Hiatt.
It was a spiritual experience. There is no other way to describe it. The absolute peace and beauty of that moment was overwhelming and by the end of the song I had tears running down my face.
The Hubs and I often talk about that concert and John Hiatt's performance of 'Have a Little Faith'. We remember it fondly - it is one of those moments in our lives together that we will never forget. It changes us a little.
Last night as I struggled with frustrations and irritations and ultimately with the desire to eat away my emotions, that experience popped into my head - that peaceful, beautiful rendition of 'Have a Little Faith'.
I realized that the memory of that moment was coming to me as a gentle reminder that I need to Have a Little Faith.
Faith in myself that I can make the right choices - even when it feels like I can't.
Faith that if I will block out the unnecessary noise of the day, I will hear the beautiful message that is being carried to me.
Faith that, just like the hot, blazing sun sank behind the mountains, all of these frustrations and irritations will too sink and the heat will pass and the cool breeze will start to blow - and everything will be OK. Everything will be OK.
Faith that there is someone out there who is my BIGGEST supporter, and he has no intention of letting me fail, if I will just let him walk with me - and listen when he reminds me to Have a Little Faith.
So, today I have a new perspective.
TODAY I HAVE A LITTLE FAITH.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN MCDONALD'S IS THE SOLUTION!!
There are days, like today, when all I want to do is drive to the local McDonald's and down a fattening, greasy, bad for me Big Mac, or Quarter Pounder with a SUPER SIZED fry, Coke, Shake...I could go on and on.
Bottom line, I want to eat to drown my sorrows...eat to make the irritation and frustration I feel today go away.
MY DESIRE TO EMOTIONALLY EAT TONIGHT IS OVERWHELMING!
Do I know what the trigger is - definitely - knowing what the trigger is almost makes it worse because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it...and that frustrates me more than anything else.
I feel trapped.
I feel like I don't have choices.
And that, that makes me feel CRAZY...
...and then all I want is to eat something. Something that, for me, will make it feel all better - if only for a few minutes.
SOMETHING LIKE MCDONALD'S!
Right now, those few minutes of relief sound like bliss - bliss in a cardboard box!
BUT...I have resisted the urge.
Instead, I am living it up with a huge Diet Pepsi and some Quaker Quakes: Sweet Chili. It isn't a hamburger or fries, but it is keeping me from going insane AND keeping me in my calorie range today.
Really, I should have turned to exercise to deal with my frustration - but seriously, tonight, the thought of rolling over to the swimming pool and hauling my ample frame up and down its length held no appeal for me...NONE AT ALL. That probably means I REALLY needed to go tonight - but I didn't.
And you know what, right now I don't care. I DON'T CARE ONE LITTLE BIT.
Instead of working out do you know what I did??? I curled my hair - curled my hair to try and take the edge off.
YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. I skulked into my room, turned on my flat iron and started curling away.
You may remember that I have this hair goal (unrealistic as it may be) and my hair has finally gotten long enough that I can curl it. Tonight was my first attempt - it wasn't great, but it took my mind off things for a while. I did try to take a picture of it to post - but that didn't go well and ended up depressing me even more.
{{SIGH}}
I throw a really good pity party.
Anyway, I am going to consider the action of lifting the flat iron to my head, winding my hair around it and holding it there strength training for my arms.
Yeah, that sounds good - tonight I worked my arms instead of going to the pool.
NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE SPIN DOCTORING, RIGHT!
I REALLY hope tomorrow is a better day. I need it to be a better day. McDonald's can't feel like the solution again tomorrow! I don't have the willpower to deal with it again!
Bottom line, I want to eat to drown my sorrows...eat to make the irritation and frustration I feel today go away.
MY DESIRE TO EMOTIONALLY EAT TONIGHT IS OVERWHELMING!
Do I know what the trigger is - definitely - knowing what the trigger is almost makes it worse because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it...and that frustrates me more than anything else.
I feel trapped.
I feel like I don't have choices.
And that, that makes me feel CRAZY...
...and then all I want is to eat something. Something that, for me, will make it feel all better - if only for a few minutes.
SOMETHING LIKE MCDONALD'S!
Right now, those few minutes of relief sound like bliss - bliss in a cardboard box!
BUT...I have resisted the urge.
Instead, I am living it up with a huge Diet Pepsi and some Quaker Quakes: Sweet Chili. It isn't a hamburger or fries, but it is keeping me from going insane AND keeping me in my calorie range today.
Really, I should have turned to exercise to deal with my frustration - but seriously, tonight, the thought of rolling over to the swimming pool and hauling my ample frame up and down its length held no appeal for me...NONE AT ALL. That probably means I REALLY needed to go tonight - but I didn't.
And you know what, right now I don't care. I DON'T CARE ONE LITTLE BIT.
Instead of working out do you know what I did??? I curled my hair - curled my hair to try and take the edge off.
YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. I skulked into my room, turned on my flat iron and started curling away.
You may remember that I have this hair goal (unrealistic as it may be) and my hair has finally gotten long enough that I can curl it. Tonight was my first attempt - it wasn't great, but it took my mind off things for a while. I did try to take a picture of it to post - but that didn't go well and ended up depressing me even more.
{{SIGH}}
I throw a really good pity party.
Anyway, I am going to consider the action of lifting the flat iron to my head, winding my hair around it and holding it there strength training for my arms.
Yeah, that sounds good - tonight I worked my arms instead of going to the pool.
NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE SPIN DOCTORING, RIGHT!
I REALLY hope tomorrow is a better day. I need it to be a better day. McDonald's can't feel like the solution again tomorrow! I don't have the willpower to deal with it again!
Monday, August 20, 2012
August 20, 2012 - Accountability
NUTRITION
Although I am staying within my calories, I am still struggling to eat truly healthy foods. I need to turn that corner. I'm happy that I am consistently staying within my calories, but realize I need to take it to the next level.
EXERCISE
Lap Swimming
35 minutes
This was a GREAT workout. It can be deceptive when you are in the water because you don't feel as hot and sweaty as if you are walking or running, but it is definitely a great workout. My arms and legs were BURNING and at one point I reached up to feel my face, and it was ON FIRE. I didn't stop swimming for 35 minutes and I feel awesome about the workout I got in.
Back to marathon training on Wednesday!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
WEIGH IN - August 18, 2012
WEIGH IN
Last Weigh In: 411.4
Today's Weigh In: 405.0
Total Change: -6.4 lbs.
Oh Yeah Baby! How Sweet It is!
Friday, August 17, 2012
LIGHTING THE FIRE
For a very long time I have wanted to do a weekly post on people, places, products - ANYTHING that inspires or helps me to stay on course. Those things that light a fire under me and keep me going. Today I am finally turning my vision into reality!
This week, these are the things that LIT MY FIRE!!!
JONATHAN on Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition. Weighing in at 543 lbs. at the beginning of his journey, Jonathan lost an AMAZING 270 lbs. in one year - while working full time AND being a dedicated husband and father. The support that his family gave him was a thing of beauty (seriously, those little boys coaching and training their Daddy...too cute). Jonathan's story made me believe that ANYTHING is possible, regardless of what others may say. THANKS JONATHAN!
I can't live without these...I bought them on a 10 for 10 deal at the local supermarket and have been loving them ever since. So many flavors to choose from - the Sweet Chili are my current favorite savory snack - the Chocolate are my current favorite sweet snack. YUM!
HOLLY @ 300 POUNDS DOWN. Holly's story is amazing - it is the story of a woman who fought through pain, disappointment, anxiety and depression to become the woman she KNEW was there inside. I respect the hell out of her for making the decision to do whatever it took to get healthy - to be there for her kids, and to survive. Her blog is fantastic and when I need a boost, I always get it there!
In honor of the four year anniversary of her life changing plane crash, I would be remiss if I did not include Stephanie Nielson this week. This post sums it up for me: Life goes on - and it is beautiful. God will heal us - if we let him - through him ANYTHING is possible. She is a constant reminder to me of the beauty of life and the amazing love and power of our Heavenly Parents!
This site, and it the app, are to die for. I know there are other similar programs out there - I have probably tried them - but this is the one I have found to be the easiest to work with. I love it! If you use this app, friend me!!! Especially if you are in my area and have great routes you want to share!
And of course, these wackadoos ALWAYS inspire me. They are my EVERYTHING!
This week, these are the things that LIT MY FIRE!!!
JONATHAN on Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition. Weighing in at 543 lbs. at the beginning of his journey, Jonathan lost an AMAZING 270 lbs. in one year - while working full time AND being a dedicated husband and father. The support that his family gave him was a thing of beauty (seriously, those little boys coaching and training their Daddy...too cute). Jonathan's story made me believe that ANYTHING is possible, regardless of what others may say. THANKS JONATHAN!
I can't live without these...I bought them on a 10 for 10 deal at the local supermarket and have been loving them ever since. So many flavors to choose from - the Sweet Chili are my current favorite savory snack - the Chocolate are my current favorite sweet snack. YUM!
HOLLY @ 300 POUNDS DOWN. Holly's story is amazing - it is the story of a woman who fought through pain, disappointment, anxiety and depression to become the woman she KNEW was there inside. I respect the hell out of her for making the decision to do whatever it took to get healthy - to be there for her kids, and to survive. Her blog is fantastic and when I need a boost, I always get it there!
In honor of the four year anniversary of her life changing plane crash, I would be remiss if I did not include Stephanie Nielson this week. This post sums it up for me: Life goes on - and it is beautiful. God will heal us - if we let him - through him ANYTHING is possible. She is a constant reminder to me of the beauty of life and the amazing love and power of our Heavenly Parents!
This site, and it the app, are to die for. I know there are other similar programs out there - I have probably tried them - but this is the one I have found to be the easiest to work with. I love it! If you use this app, friend me!!! Especially if you are in my area and have great routes you want to share!
And of course, these wackadoos ALWAYS inspire me. They are my EVERYTHING!
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| Fall 2011 |
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