Today I feel like I need to address something that has really been bugging me.
I recently read a post on a fellow bloggers weight loss blog, that I feel fairly certain was in reference to me and my journey (and even if it isn't - it might have well been): The fact that I constantly fall of the wagon. The fact that I gain steam, and then fail.
She wrote in her blog that she wanted to say "WTF - stop acting like an undisciplined child" - but she just couldn't "bring herself to" and instead just chose to stop following my blog. Because, well - she didn't like the negativity. It was "bad energy for her" .
NEGATIVITY! BAD ENERGY! - HONEY, THIS IS REALITY! This is the reality that millions of people around the world face every single day. This is the struggle. This is the crushing, overwhelming journey - SORRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
Here's the thing, if you are looking for a blog that paints weight loss - or more than that - food addiction and fighting obesity - in a positive, Mary Sunshine light - YOU HAVE COME TO THE WRONG BLOG. Feel free to stop following now. Please - stop following - I don't need you reading this blog. I can't inspire you - not even a little. You want to read about people who already fought the good fight, not about someone wanting, desperately, to fight it!
This blog is about the REAL LIFE battle that an obese person, ME, CONNIE - A REAL EFFING PERSON, faces when trying to deal with this problem. Much like a drug addict or an alcoholic trying to get clean, this is a bloody, gruesome war! And one that like MILLIONS of others out there are fighting, and failing - one that I am failing at right now.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY THAT I'M FAILING - I'M NOT AFRAID TO POST THE STRUGGLE. AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT - GET OFF MY BLOG.
Seriously - why do you think that in America obesity and overweight in adults is an epidemic?? Because its easy to beat?? Because we never fall down??
NO. IT'S BECAUSE THIS IS EFFING HARD!
And many, MANY strong people will fail. I might even be one of them - but at least I'm willing to say that, and put myself out there - and document said failures in hopes that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE someone else can relate, and feel that they are normal when they fall - that they can understand - and provide support - and not just when it's convenient and positive!!!
Look, I hope I don't fail at this, but who knows! The odds are certainly against me and EVERY OTHER FAT PERSON IN AMERICA WHO WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
So, look, if you want to read a blog about someone who ALREADY made it to the end of their journey, then see your way off this blog. BUT, if you want to read about someone who is fighting to try to get there, even though there will be failures - and a lot of them - if you want to lend your support, hear it like it is, truly understand the battle that an obese person goes through to try to beat their ADDICTION - then, this is the blog for you.
To the fair weather supporter who abandoned me - good riddance. I don't need your brand of support.
To those of you who are hanging in there with me, even though you wonder how many more times you are going to read about me falling down, eating McDonald's or just plain giving up - THANK YOU! It means more to me than I can say - I hope I don't disappoint you forever - I don't think I will! Regardless, your support is important to me and I appreciate it - it makes a difference, it really does!
OH, and by the way, to my faithful supporters - I give you full permission to say:
CONNIE, WHAT THE HELL!
A little tough love never hurt a soul!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
FAKING IT
Rough patch - 4 weeks in and I am going through yet another rough patch.
Today, as I was thinking about WHY exactly I am struggling again, I realized - plain and simple - that I am choosing to struggle. I have a choice in this - of course I do - and right now I am choosing to make bad decisions - and I am choosing failure.
So, WHY - WHY am I making bad decisions just 4 weeks into my latest "push" toward the 400 lbs. milestone?
I SWEAR I have some sub-conscious fear of getting below 400 lbs. What that fear is, I don't know. But consistently, when I get within 5 lbs. of 400: a short 1 - 2 weeks before I bid adieu to that number, I choke. Like sputtering, gasping for life CHOKE!
And interestingly, this isn't the first time I have gone through this...
When I was 30 I joined Jenny Craig. I had just given birth to my second daughter a few months earlier. I gained quite a bit of weight with her - I was weighing in at 350 lbs (what I wouldn't give right now to see that number) - and I was determined to get it off.
I joined Jenny Craig with my husband, and off we went. We did fantastic. We were PEELING the weight off. We started the program in August and by November we had both lost around 45 lbs. I was at 304 lbs. I remember that vividly - people, you should see pictures of me from that time - seriously, I looked fantastic. ANYWAY - I digress - I was MOMENTS from breaking the 300 lbs. mark, which of course was a BIG deal for me. I was SO looking forward to it.
Well, that Thanksgiving we went away for the holiday to spend it with family. And seriously, can you imagine a holiday /slash/ vacation that wouldn't be filled with food, food and more food. Chris and I decided that we were going to roll with it - I mean, look how far we had come, certainly we wouldn't be knocked off our diet by a few days of debauchery...OH HOW WRONG WE WERE...never did we imagine we would encounter our arch nemesis of food...
PUMPKIN PIE
Pumpkin pie is apparently a MAJOR weakness of ours, and we consumed it that Thanksgiving like no other. We were gluttons, eating pie at all hours of the day - pie for breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner, 2nd dinner, etc - you get the point - we ate A LOT of pumpkin pie. Add to that Thanksgiving dinner, leftovers, etc...well, it was a grim picture.
When we got home and stepped on the scale we were both up 10 lbs....and we were discouraged...but, it was the holiday season and neither of us wanted to try tackling the problem until the holidays were over (seriously, there is ALWAYS a convenient excuse to wait). Well, when the holidays were over and I reported back to Jenny Craig, I was at 317 lbs. I had been within 5 lbs. of breaking the 300 lbs. mark, and I crumbled.
Flash forward a few years - and one hundred lbs. later, and here I am, within moments of breaking a major milestone number, and I crumble EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I get close to it.
Saturday was my weigh in - and I knew it was going to be bad. I mean, I had abandoned the whole program and was just eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted - and I knew it was going to show. And show it did...to the tune of 11 lbs. I weighed in at:
I was disturbed. Disturbed for so many reasons:
1) I couldn't believe how quickly I can pack on the pounds - seriously, why can't I take it off as easily as I pack it on??
2) I couldn't understand how just 1 week before I had stepped on the scale and saw my goal within reach and then choked. CHOKED.
3) After weighing in, I thought the following:
As usual, I have no answer.
And on Saturday after weigh in, I didn't either. BUT, I thought - DAMMIT, I can do something about this...so I changed my clothes, dragged my family to the rec center and I worked out. I walked a 5K on the treadmill - and it felt GOOD. When I finished I thought:
I don't know. I just don't know.
Poor nutrition, failing to exercise - these things make me feel TERRIBLE. So, why do I choose them?
Clearly, I need to figure that out. I really do. I feel like the answer to this question is a key that I need to unlock this door and step through to the other side.
So, in the meantime, while I am searching for this answer, what do I do? Do I toss everything aside and wait until I know what the issue is? Well, that answer doesn't feel right, now does it?! I mean, I may not know why I continue to choose failure on this journey, but I CERTAINLY know that going backwards isn't the answer. SO, what to do???
I decided to follow the advice of Holly from 300 lbs. Down and FAKE IT 'TIL I MAKE IT.
FAKE IT 'TIL I MAKE IT!!!!
Sometime we just have to fake it. We have to pretend that the thing we don't want to do or don't feel like doing is ACTUALLY the thing we want to do most! And then, THEN, we have to do it, regardless of whether we want to or not. We have to force ourselves to do it!
I can give in to my current lack of desire to choose the right path. I can lose ground, gain weight and put myself back to square one...OR I can FORCE myself to move forward - even though NOTHING in me feels like doing it.
And so I choose to FORCE myself forward. I choose to fake it for the time being - and pray for all I'm worth that the desire and the motivation to meet this challenge squarely will return.
I really hope that my desire returns - my motivation - the pure knowledge that I am MEANT to rise to the occasion and meet this challenge head on. I have faith it will - but I have to face that it may be unpleasant until then.
I also hope I can figure out why I can't seem to let myself be successful on this journey. Again, I think the answer to that is crucial if I want to see long term success.
But, for now - FOR NOW, I'm faking it. Heaven help me, I'm faking it!
Today, as I was thinking about WHY exactly I am struggling again, I realized - plain and simple - that I am choosing to struggle. I have a choice in this - of course I do - and right now I am choosing to make bad decisions - and I am choosing failure.
So, WHY - WHY am I making bad decisions just 4 weeks into my latest "push" toward the 400 lbs. milestone?
I SWEAR I have some sub-conscious fear of getting below 400 lbs. What that fear is, I don't know. But consistently, when I get within 5 lbs. of 400: a short 1 - 2 weeks before I bid adieu to that number, I choke. Like sputtering, gasping for life CHOKE!
And interestingly, this isn't the first time I have gone through this...
When I was 30 I joined Jenny Craig. I had just given birth to my second daughter a few months earlier. I gained quite a bit of weight with her - I was weighing in at 350 lbs (what I wouldn't give right now to see that number) - and I was determined to get it off.
I joined Jenny Craig with my husband, and off we went. We did fantastic. We were PEELING the weight off. We started the program in August and by November we had both lost around 45 lbs. I was at 304 lbs. I remember that vividly - people, you should see pictures of me from that time - seriously, I looked fantastic. ANYWAY - I digress - I was MOMENTS from breaking the 300 lbs. mark, which of course was a BIG deal for me. I was SO looking forward to it.
Well, that Thanksgiving we went away for the holiday to spend it with family. And seriously, can you imagine a holiday /slash/ vacation that wouldn't be filled with food, food and more food. Chris and I decided that we were going to roll with it - I mean, look how far we had come, certainly we wouldn't be knocked off our diet by a few days of debauchery...OH HOW WRONG WE WERE...never did we imagine we would encounter our arch nemesis of food...
PUMPKIN PIE
Pumpkin pie is apparently a MAJOR weakness of ours, and we consumed it that Thanksgiving like no other. We were gluttons, eating pie at all hours of the day - pie for breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner, 2nd dinner, etc - you get the point - we ate A LOT of pumpkin pie. Add to that Thanksgiving dinner, leftovers, etc...well, it was a grim picture.
When we got home and stepped on the scale we were both up 10 lbs....and we were discouraged...but, it was the holiday season and neither of us wanted to try tackling the problem until the holidays were over (seriously, there is ALWAYS a convenient excuse to wait). Well, when the holidays were over and I reported back to Jenny Craig, I was at 317 lbs. I had been within 5 lbs. of breaking the 300 lbs. mark, and I crumbled.
Flash forward a few years - and one hundred lbs. later, and here I am, within moments of breaking a major milestone number, and I crumble EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I get close to it.
Saturday was my weigh in - and I knew it was going to be bad. I mean, I had abandoned the whole program and was just eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted - and I knew it was going to show. And show it did...to the tune of 11 lbs. I weighed in at:
416 lbs.
An 11 lbs. gain in one freaking week
I was disturbed. Disturbed for so many reasons:
1) I couldn't believe how quickly I can pack on the pounds - seriously, why can't I take it off as easily as I pack it on??
2) I couldn't understand how just 1 week before I had stepped on the scale and saw my goal within reach and then choked. CHOKED.
3) After weighing in, I thought the following:
"I am never going to let myself lose this weight. I am going to get in my own way every single time I get close".
And THAT discouraged me more than anything has, ever, on my weight loss journey.So, what is the deal?? Am I afraid of success on the weight loss front? Do I really, somehow believe that I can go off track and pull myself back on, even though I have countless examples of how difficult and self destructive that is for me?? Why do I keep doing this to myself?
As usual, I have no answer.
And on Saturday after weigh in, I didn't either. BUT, I thought - DAMMIT, I can do something about this...so I changed my clothes, dragged my family to the rec center and I worked out. I walked a 5K on the treadmill - and it felt GOOD. When I finished I thought:
"WHY AM I NOT CHOOSING THIS?? WHY? I feel great, I feel powerful, I feel FANTASTIC". WHY, CONNIE, WHY?!!!
I don't know. I just don't know.
Poor nutrition, failing to exercise - these things make me feel TERRIBLE. So, why do I choose them?
Clearly, I need to figure that out. I really do. I feel like the answer to this question is a key that I need to unlock this door and step through to the other side.
So, in the meantime, while I am searching for this answer, what do I do? Do I toss everything aside and wait until I know what the issue is? Well, that answer doesn't feel right, now does it?! I mean, I may not know why I continue to choose failure on this journey, but I CERTAINLY know that going backwards isn't the answer. SO, what to do???
I decided to follow the advice of Holly from 300 lbs. Down and FAKE IT 'TIL I MAKE IT.
FAKE IT 'TIL I MAKE IT!!!!
Sometime we just have to fake it. We have to pretend that the thing we don't want to do or don't feel like doing is ACTUALLY the thing we want to do most! And then, THEN, we have to do it, regardless of whether we want to or not. We have to force ourselves to do it!
I can give in to my current lack of desire to choose the right path. I can lose ground, gain weight and put myself back to square one...OR I can FORCE myself to move forward - even though NOTHING in me feels like doing it.
And so I choose to FORCE myself forward. I choose to fake it for the time being - and pray for all I'm worth that the desire and the motivation to meet this challenge squarely will return.
I really hope that my desire returns - my motivation - the pure knowledge that I am MEANT to rise to the occasion and meet this challenge head on. I have faith it will - but I have to face that it may be unpleasant until then.
I also hope I can figure out why I can't seem to let myself be successful on this journey. Again, I think the answer to that is crucial if I want to see long term success.
But, for now - FOR NOW, I'm faking it. Heaven help me, I'm faking it!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
10 MORE FACTOIDS ABOUT LITTLE OLE ME
A while back I started to post a 25 THINGS ABOUT ME YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW series...and then never finished it.
BOO ME!
I like those kinds of posts, so today I am going to add the next 10. Just in case you forgot, or heaven forbid - did not read my first post, go back and check out the first 10 I posted. Here are the next TEN THINGS YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ME, AND MAY EVEN REGRET ONCE YOU DO!!!!
BOO ME!
I like those kinds of posts, so today I am going to add the next 10. Just in case you forgot, or heaven forbid - did not read my first post, go back and check out the first 10 I posted. Here are the next TEN THINGS YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ME, AND MAY EVEN REGRET ONCE YOU DO!!!!
- I have a completely irrational fear (I think I start a lot of these little nuggets of truth about me that way!!! I definitely need to get my butt into a therapist) of...wait for it...MANATEES! I hate them. Gentle cow of the sea MY A**! The other day somebody on Facebook posted an aerial picture of a woman swimming among a herd of manatee - it was horrific. I had to close it out because it was just too much to look at!
- I am a Human Resources professional by trade. BOY, the stories I could tell you. Sometimes adults don't know how to be ADULT at all. Although there are parts of being in HR I despise, there is a lot to love - and I remind myself of that every. single. day!
- I met my husband while serving a Mormon mission in San Sebastian, Spain. Yes, he too was a missionary. I often tell my children that I met Daddy on a cold winter night in the North of Spain - I stepped off the train onto the platform and saw him emerge through the steam - tall, and handsome...and you know what, THAT IS TRUE! I didn't know I would marry him immediately - in fact, at first I thought "boy, this guy is going to be a problem". But 1 month later I JUST KNEW. When my parents came to Spain to pick me up at the end of my time there, I told them "Hey, see that missionary - I am going to marry him". And so I did - 3 years and 11 months later!
- I lived in Boston, MA for just about a year. Why you ask? Just because. I wanted to try something different and I had a GREAT friend who was living there and encouraged me to take the leap. Salt Lake will always be my home - and I was so happy to return, but I will always have a fondness in my heart for Bean Town!
- My father died of pancreatic cancer on my 27th birthday - 4 months after I married my husband and when I was 9 weeks pregnant with my daughter. It is the single most life changing thing I have been through. Not even becoming a wife or a mother has changed me as much as watching my father die, and dealing with the subsequent impact his death has had on my family. I have missed my Dad every single day of my life since he passed away - and I am grateful for the knowledge that we will be reunited one day.
- My favorite color is Black. If you have to ask why - you need look no further than the title of this blog. Black is the most forgiving color to a large and in charge lady like myself.
- I grew up on a farm and spent most of my summers working on it with my little sister and my Dad. I moved irrigation pipe, helped shear sheep, rolled hay bales, and just about anything else my Dad needed help with. At the time I hated every minute of it - now I am so grateful that I had that opportunity. It taught me the value of hard work, and of course left me with many fond memories of my Dad.
- While living in Spain I became very fluent in Castillian Spanish. In fact, I had a roommate who spoke nothing but Spanish and after living with her for 2 months, I thought, dreamed and lived in Spanish. In fact, at one point I tried to read a sign that was posted on a statue by my apartment. For the life of me I could not figure out what it said - I felt very sheepish when I realized that the sign was in English. I just didn't think in English any more! Now a days I no longer consider myself fluent - but give me 2 weeks immersed in a Spanish speaking country and I will be back on my game!
- I hate to cook. DESPISE IT. My dream is to hire a personal chef so I never have to set foot in the kitchen again!
- I am proud to belong to the Mormon faith. There are many, many reasons why - I could never list them all here...but I will shout out just a few: I love its focus on family as an eternal unit, and the supreme importance of family in this life, and the life to come. It provides me with the knowledge that I have a loving Heavenly Father AND a loving Heavenly Mother who know me by name and who want me to have all that they do - just like ANY loving parents here would want for their children! It has taught me where we came from, why we are here, what our purpose is, and where we are going when we leave this life...and that knowledge has brought me more comfort than I can say during some of the most difficult times in my life. NO, I don't drink coffee or tea, don't drink alcohol and don't believe in pre-marital sex - and I'm dang proud of it. And, yes, I wear garments and cannot for the life of me understand the fascination with them - MANY religions have sacred clothing they wear - we are no different. There is a lot of misinformation and a lot of misconceptions out there about the LDS faith - and in some cases a whole lot of hostility towards the church - and that just makes me plain sad. There are so many wonderful things about this church! Sure, there are some bad apples in the church - but there are bad apples in every organization under the sun!!! You don't throw the whole bushel out because of a few bad apples!! One HUGE pet peeve of mine is when people want to learn about the Mormon church and go to anti-Mormon sources or ex-mormons to get the "scoop". If you want to know the scoop, ask a practicing Mormon! ANYWAY, I am a proud member of my church and just thought you should know!!!
So, there are 10 more things you never wanted to know about me! 5 more to go!
Weight loss journey update coming soon!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
LIFE MAKES ME TIRED
Sometimes life just makes me tired.
Really tired.
And right now, Life has kicked it into high gear and I feel down right narcoleptic.
This week my girls started back to school. Back to school is an incredibly stressful and frustrating time for me. Most parents are jumping with joy, welcoming the return of schedules and normalcy to their lives. The boredom of the summer is over, replaced with classwork and friends and purpose!
Me, on the other hand, I am trying to figure out if I can sell the story that we are American Gypsies and we are pulling our daughters from school because - HEY - they need to be learning to cook and clean so they can prepare themselves for a life of servitude to undeserving men who will never appreciate all they do...
OK, I think my feminism might show through a little too much for me to effectively sell that story!
Anyway, point being, back to school is incredibly stressful for me, and here's why:
The school my kids attend, although wonderful in many aspects, is completely incompatible with the schedules of working parents. The start and end times make it impossible to effectively get my kids to and from school without begging for help from other parents - who, let's face it, have their own set of problems to deal with (please know there are those who have extended their help to me and I appreciate them more than I could ever say)! Overall, it just makes me feel crappy that I can't do for my kids what I should be able to for them - for my reason for living, the most important thing in my life - and I can't EFFING GET THEM TO SCHOOL BECAUSE IT STARTS 25 MINUTES LATER THAN IS COMPATIBLE WITH MY WORK SCHEDULE! 25 MINUTES IS DESTROYING MY SANITY RIGHT NOW!!!
Yes, I could have them walk to and from school - but the town I live in has provided NO safe walkways for children. There are no sidewalks to the school and so the children walk ON the road or in the gravel NEXT to the road. They did attempt to install a walkway made of asphalt - but they ran it down the side of the road where the children would have to cross MULTIPLE streets - without the assistance of a crossing guard, instead of running it down the other side of the road where that would not be an issue. AND SO, last year a child was hit by a car on this supposed "safe walkway".
Oh yeah, and then there is the whole PEDOPHILE thing that every parent in America worries about - that some disgusting, perverted human being is stalking their kids, waiting for the opportunity to grab them from the so called "safe walkway".
There are no before or after school programs to help ease the burden (even though many other schools and districts in the area have implemented similar programs)...and I'm sure that inquiring about the possibility of getting something in place will be met with a lot of excuses (mainly financial) as to why it can't happen.
And all of this combined with a very high maintenance parent who, although I love very much, I am tired of dealing with, stressful in-law relationships, maintaining a household, being an active member of my church, going to work everyday - and oh yeah, that roller coaster I am on called weight loss - and you have the making of a VERY tiring life situation.
And so, today, I feel tired and worn out from it all.
So, how did I deal with it?
Not well. Not well at all.
Today I snapped like a twig, drove to the local McDonald's and drowned my sorrows in a quarter pounder, a large fry and the biggest Coke they could provide me.
And sadly, I feel better.
Yes - it is only temporary relief - but right now, I'll take it.
Look, if you are thinking "Come on, you have so many blessings" - you would be right - but today I can't see the forest through the trees.
AND, if you are reading this and saying "food isn't the answer", you would be right too...but when food has been your comfort - the thing you have fled to for 18 years to make it all go away - finding a different answer is far harder than you might imagine.
What I know is this.
Life makes us all tired sometimes. And when we are tired, we don't always deal with things the best way possible - and that's OK.
A good nights sleep will change perspective and make all the difference. So here is to the best damn sleep ever - tomorrow is a new day.
Really tired.
And right now, Life has kicked it into high gear and I feel down right narcoleptic.
This week my girls started back to school. Back to school is an incredibly stressful and frustrating time for me. Most parents are jumping with joy, welcoming the return of schedules and normalcy to their lives. The boredom of the summer is over, replaced with classwork and friends and purpose!
Me, on the other hand, I am trying to figure out if I can sell the story that we are American Gypsies and we are pulling our daughters from school because - HEY - they need to be learning to cook and clean so they can prepare themselves for a life of servitude to undeserving men who will never appreciate all they do...
OK, I think my feminism might show through a little too much for me to effectively sell that story!
Anyway, point being, back to school is incredibly stressful for me, and here's why:
The school my kids attend, although wonderful in many aspects, is completely incompatible with the schedules of working parents. The start and end times make it impossible to effectively get my kids to and from school without begging for help from other parents - who, let's face it, have their own set of problems to deal with (please know there are those who have extended their help to me and I appreciate them more than I could ever say)! Overall, it just makes me feel crappy that I can't do for my kids what I should be able to for them - for my reason for living, the most important thing in my life - and I can't EFFING GET THEM TO SCHOOL BECAUSE IT STARTS 25 MINUTES LATER THAN IS COMPATIBLE WITH MY WORK SCHEDULE! 25 MINUTES IS DESTROYING MY SANITY RIGHT NOW!!!
Yes, I could have them walk to and from school - but the town I live in has provided NO safe walkways for children. There are no sidewalks to the school and so the children walk ON the road or in the gravel NEXT to the road. They did attempt to install a walkway made of asphalt - but they ran it down the side of the road where the children would have to cross MULTIPLE streets - without the assistance of a crossing guard, instead of running it down the other side of the road where that would not be an issue. AND SO, last year a child was hit by a car on this supposed "safe walkway".
Oh yeah, and then there is the whole PEDOPHILE thing that every parent in America worries about - that some disgusting, perverted human being is stalking their kids, waiting for the opportunity to grab them from the so called "safe walkway".
There are no before or after school programs to help ease the burden (even though many other schools and districts in the area have implemented similar programs)...and I'm sure that inquiring about the possibility of getting something in place will be met with a lot of excuses (mainly financial) as to why it can't happen.
And all of this combined with a very high maintenance parent who, although I love very much, I am tired of dealing with, stressful in-law relationships, maintaining a household, being an active member of my church, going to work everyday - and oh yeah, that roller coaster I am on called weight loss - and you have the making of a VERY tiring life situation.
And so, today, I feel tired and worn out from it all.
So, how did I deal with it?
Not well. Not well at all.
Today I snapped like a twig, drove to the local McDonald's and drowned my sorrows in a quarter pounder, a large fry and the biggest Coke they could provide me.
And sadly, I feel better.
Yes - it is only temporary relief - but right now, I'll take it.
Look, if you are thinking "Come on, you have so many blessings" - you would be right - but today I can't see the forest through the trees.
AND, if you are reading this and saying "food isn't the answer", you would be right too...but when food has been your comfort - the thing you have fled to for 18 years to make it all go away - finding a different answer is far harder than you might imagine.
What I know is this.
Life makes us all tired sometimes. And when we are tired, we don't always deal with things the best way possible - and that's OK.
A good nights sleep will change perspective and make all the difference. So here is to the best damn sleep ever - tomorrow is a new day.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
WEIGH IN: Saturday, August 25, 2012
My weigh in is complete:
404.2 lbs.
-0.8 lbs.
I must admit I was a little disappointed. I'm sure my weekend in Wendover, UT with 2 visits to the buffet did not help the situation...BUT, overall, I am glad the number is still moving in the right direction.
I AM MOMENTS FROM BREAKING THAT DAMN 400 LBS. MILESTONE, AND COME HELL OR HIGHWATER, IT WILL HAPPEN!!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
HAVE A LITTLE FAITH
A few years ago the Hubs and I went to a concert at a wonderful outdoor amphitheater here in the Salt Lake area. The performer was John Hiatt. I had recently fallen in love with his music after hearing it on the movie "Raising Helen", and I was beyond excited to see him perform.
I hadn't spent much time getting to know Mr. Hiatt's music, so I was surprised to find out that he was the writer of MANY songs that I truly loved. One of them was 'Have a Little Faith'.
The night we saw him in concert it was HOT - I mean blazing hot. The first two-thirds of the concert were nearly unbearable - we were frying, and melting, and languishing. But, finally the sun fell behind the mountains, and it started to cool just a bit - and a fantastic summer breeze started to blow through the amphitheater.
It was then that Mr. Hiatt performed 'Have a Little Faith'.
He performed the song without any back up - just him and his piano. Besides his singing, there were no other noises except the rustling of the leaves on the trees from the fantastic summer breeze that had just found our little neck of the woods. No kids crying, no noise from the crowd, no sound from the parking lot - just John Hiatt.
It was a spiritual experience. There is no other way to describe it. The absolute peace and beauty of that moment was overwhelming and by the end of the song I had tears running down my face.
The Hubs and I often talk about that concert and John Hiatt's performance of 'Have a Little Faith'. We remember it fondly - it is one of those moments in our lives together that we will never forget. It changes us a little.
Last night as I struggled with frustrations and irritations and ultimately with the desire to eat away my emotions, that experience popped into my head - that peaceful, beautiful rendition of 'Have a Little Faith'.
I realized that the memory of that moment was coming to me as a gentle reminder that I need to Have a Little Faith.
Faith in myself that I can make the right choices - even when it feels like I can't.
Faith that if I will block out the unnecessary noise of the day, I will hear the beautiful message that is being carried to me.
Faith that, just like the hot, blazing sun sank behind the mountains, all of these frustrations and irritations will too sink and the heat will pass and the cool breeze will start to blow - and everything will be OK. Everything will be OK.
Faith that there is someone out there who is my BIGGEST supporter, and he has no intention of letting me fail, if I will just let him walk with me - and listen when he reminds me to Have a Little Faith.
So, today I have a new perspective.
TODAY I HAVE A LITTLE FAITH.
I hadn't spent much time getting to know Mr. Hiatt's music, so I was surprised to find out that he was the writer of MANY songs that I truly loved. One of them was 'Have a Little Faith'.
The night we saw him in concert it was HOT - I mean blazing hot. The first two-thirds of the concert were nearly unbearable - we were frying, and melting, and languishing. But, finally the sun fell behind the mountains, and it started to cool just a bit - and a fantastic summer breeze started to blow through the amphitheater.
It was then that Mr. Hiatt performed 'Have a Little Faith'.
He performed the song without any back up - just him and his piano. Besides his singing, there were no other noises except the rustling of the leaves on the trees from the fantastic summer breeze that had just found our little neck of the woods. No kids crying, no noise from the crowd, no sound from the parking lot - just John Hiatt.
It was a spiritual experience. There is no other way to describe it. The absolute peace and beauty of that moment was overwhelming and by the end of the song I had tears running down my face.
The Hubs and I often talk about that concert and John Hiatt's performance of 'Have a Little Faith'. We remember it fondly - it is one of those moments in our lives together that we will never forget. It changes us a little.
Last night as I struggled with frustrations and irritations and ultimately with the desire to eat away my emotions, that experience popped into my head - that peaceful, beautiful rendition of 'Have a Little Faith'.
I realized that the memory of that moment was coming to me as a gentle reminder that I need to Have a Little Faith.
Faith in myself that I can make the right choices - even when it feels like I can't.
Faith that if I will block out the unnecessary noise of the day, I will hear the beautiful message that is being carried to me.
Faith that, just like the hot, blazing sun sank behind the mountains, all of these frustrations and irritations will too sink and the heat will pass and the cool breeze will start to blow - and everything will be OK. Everything will be OK.
Faith that there is someone out there who is my BIGGEST supporter, and he has no intention of letting me fail, if I will just let him walk with me - and listen when he reminds me to Have a Little Faith.
So, today I have a new perspective.
TODAY I HAVE A LITTLE FAITH.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN MCDONALD'S IS THE SOLUTION!!
There are days, like today, when all I want to do is drive to the local McDonald's and down a fattening, greasy, bad for me Big Mac, or Quarter Pounder with a SUPER SIZED fry, Coke, Shake...I could go on and on.
Bottom line, I want to eat to drown my sorrows...eat to make the irritation and frustration I feel today go away.
MY DESIRE TO EMOTIONALLY EAT TONIGHT IS OVERWHELMING!
Do I know what the trigger is - definitely - knowing what the trigger is almost makes it worse because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it...and that frustrates me more than anything else.
I feel trapped.
I feel like I don't have choices.
And that, that makes me feel CRAZY...
...and then all I want is to eat something. Something that, for me, will make it feel all better - if only for a few minutes.
SOMETHING LIKE MCDONALD'S!
Right now, those few minutes of relief sound like bliss - bliss in a cardboard box!
BUT...I have resisted the urge.
Instead, I am living it up with a huge Diet Pepsi and some Quaker Quakes: Sweet Chili. It isn't a hamburger or fries, but it is keeping me from going insane AND keeping me in my calorie range today.
Really, I should have turned to exercise to deal with my frustration - but seriously, tonight, the thought of rolling over to the swimming pool and hauling my ample frame up and down its length held no appeal for me...NONE AT ALL. That probably means I REALLY needed to go tonight - but I didn't.
And you know what, right now I don't care. I DON'T CARE ONE LITTLE BIT.
Instead of working out do you know what I did??? I curled my hair - curled my hair to try and take the edge off.
YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. I skulked into my room, turned on my flat iron and started curling away.
You may remember that I have this hair goal (unrealistic as it may be) and my hair has finally gotten long enough that I can curl it. Tonight was my first attempt - it wasn't great, but it took my mind off things for a while. I did try to take a picture of it to post - but that didn't go well and ended up depressing me even more.
{{SIGH}}
I throw a really good pity party.
Anyway, I am going to consider the action of lifting the flat iron to my head, winding my hair around it and holding it there strength training for my arms.
Yeah, that sounds good - tonight I worked my arms instead of going to the pool.
NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE SPIN DOCTORING, RIGHT!
I REALLY hope tomorrow is a better day. I need it to be a better day. McDonald's can't feel like the solution again tomorrow! I don't have the willpower to deal with it again!
Bottom line, I want to eat to drown my sorrows...eat to make the irritation and frustration I feel today go away.
MY DESIRE TO EMOTIONALLY EAT TONIGHT IS OVERWHELMING!
Do I know what the trigger is - definitely - knowing what the trigger is almost makes it worse because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it...and that frustrates me more than anything else.
I feel trapped.
I feel like I don't have choices.
And that, that makes me feel CRAZY...
...and then all I want is to eat something. Something that, for me, will make it feel all better - if only for a few minutes.
SOMETHING LIKE MCDONALD'S!
Right now, those few minutes of relief sound like bliss - bliss in a cardboard box!
BUT...I have resisted the urge.
Instead, I am living it up with a huge Diet Pepsi and some Quaker Quakes: Sweet Chili. It isn't a hamburger or fries, but it is keeping me from going insane AND keeping me in my calorie range today.
Really, I should have turned to exercise to deal with my frustration - but seriously, tonight, the thought of rolling over to the swimming pool and hauling my ample frame up and down its length held no appeal for me...NONE AT ALL. That probably means I REALLY needed to go tonight - but I didn't.
And you know what, right now I don't care. I DON'T CARE ONE LITTLE BIT.
Instead of working out do you know what I did??? I curled my hair - curled my hair to try and take the edge off.
YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. I skulked into my room, turned on my flat iron and started curling away.
You may remember that I have this hair goal (unrealistic as it may be) and my hair has finally gotten long enough that I can curl it. Tonight was my first attempt - it wasn't great, but it took my mind off things for a while. I did try to take a picture of it to post - but that didn't go well and ended up depressing me even more.
{{SIGH}}
I throw a really good pity party.
Anyway, I am going to consider the action of lifting the flat iron to my head, winding my hair around it and holding it there strength training for my arms.
Yeah, that sounds good - tonight I worked my arms instead of going to the pool.
NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE SPIN DOCTORING, RIGHT!
I REALLY hope tomorrow is a better day. I need it to be a better day. McDonald's can't feel like the solution again tomorrow! I don't have the willpower to deal with it again!
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