BROKEN

This morning I feel broken.

It is such a stark contrast to last night, when I felt on top of the world.  But today, I just feel broken.

This morning was weigh in.  It did not go well.  After a week of strict tracking, completely staying within my allotted points AND adding activity, I weighed in at:

420.2

That is a gain of .4 pounds.

I don't even have words to express how disappointed I feel.  I am just sick to my stomach and completely discouraged.

I feel broken.

$129.99

Apparently $129.99 is the going rate for a pain free workout...WORTH. EVERY. PENNY!

Last night, at the recommendation of a great friend, I went to the New Balance store to get properly fitted for a new running shoe.  

Let me tell you, I was like a PTSD sufferer while trying on shoes.  I was terrified they were going to cause me the kind of pain that I had on Wednesday when I was walking.  I cringed with every step I took, waiting for the pain to start...but it never did.  So, I wrapped up New Balance 1140's, paid my $129.99 and headed home.

Today I took the 1140's out for an inaugural walk during my lunch break.  Again, I was pretty tenuous when I started out, worried the pain would come, but boy, these shoes are like MAGIC.  My left foot still felt a bit sore while I was walking, but I suppose that is to be expected after the beating it took on Wednesday.  I ended up walking .66 miles and got a nice little workout that energized me for the rest of my work day.  It felt great.


Thanks Cindy for joining me on my "inaugural" walk  

When I got home from work I was actually excited to take the 1140's out for another walk!  While the Hubs cooked dinner (yes, ladies, I am blessed) I headed out.

It was AMAZING!  There is no other way to say it.

I literally had the best walk I have had in 2 years!!  I achieved a new record pace for myself, walked further than I have walked all week and overall just felt FANTASTIC!

THANK YOU RED HEADED GUY AT THE NEW BALANCE STORE IN MIDVALE, UT.  

YOU ARE A LIFE SAVER!

I know you are all just DYING to see a picture of the 1140's...brace yourselves, they are POWERFUL!  All $129.99 of them!  Here they are...

See, I warned you...POWERFUL!!!

The BEST part of the night...when I got home the Hubs had dinner ready to go.  It was delicious...Taco Salads with fresh baked tortilla strips.  The tortilla strips were the perfect addition, and so low in calories!! GREAT IDEA!  I had to take a picture of the final product in all it's perfection...again, prepare for the power!

It has been a great day!  I am feeling so good it isn't even funny!

Tomorrow is weigh in (just typing that caused a knot in my stomach). 

Stay tuned!!!!

NO PAIN NO GAIN

Even though I had a miserable workout experience last night, I decided to go again tonight.  This time I made a few adjustments:

1) I wore a long sleeved shirt
2) I gave myself permission NOT to run AT ALL tonight
3) I wore different shoes (this turned out to be a mistake)
4) I allowed myself to stop a couple of times - I kept moving (kind of marched in place), but it gave me just enough of a break that I was able to push forward

The first two-thirds of my walk went VERY well.  I felt really good.  I had great music playing and was feeling good.

BUT THEN IT HIT.

Absolute pain.  My feet were burning - absolute, searing pain.  Every step was more painful.  At one point I was ready to call the Hubs to come and pick me up.  But DAMN if I was going to let it get the better of me.  I slowed down and pressed on.  The last 12 minutes of my walk were absolute hell, but I made it.

AND...

Tonight I feel so much better (as long as I ignore the burning pain in my feet).  I am not coughing, I am not hacking...my lungs are not burning...I feel like I could do it again, as long as I get shoes that do not hobble me.

Here are my results from tonight:

I was slower, but I went further AND I didn't feel like I was going to die (except for the feet).

So, before I go walking again I will definitely need to buy new shoes.  I am going to burn my current shoes - and I'm going to enjoy doing it!

On another note, I had some GREAT music keeping me going tonight:

Fighter - Ms. Aguilera
Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners
Lose Yourself - Eminem (This song just absolutely pushes me on)
Sexyback - Mr. Timberlake (I was dance walking to this song - yes, there were jazz hands involved)

I find that great music, that speaks to my soul (does that sound too dramatic?? Oh well!) makes ALL the difference.

So, what are YOUR favorite "Sweatin' Songs"??  (I need to beef up my playlist).

BREATHLESS

Breathless.

That is how I felt tonight when I FINALLY added activity into my program. Tonight I decided it was time to start getting activity, so I went for a walk.   As much as I want to say it felt great, it didn't.  It didn't feel good at all.  In fact, it felt fairly bad.  It has been a half hour since I got home and I am still coughing and my lungs are burning.

Even though I am glad that I got out and did it, I feel disappointed.  Disappointed that I wasn't able to do more than I did.  And disappointed that I feel this horrible after getting out and doing something that is supposed to be good for my body.  It doesn't feel good for me.  It feels horrible.

I know that I am totally out of shape, but just a month ago I had gone out on several walks and even though they were hell, they didn't feel this horrible.  I think some things may have been working against me, you know, besides being so out of shape it isn't funny.  Here's what I think:

1)  I had a goal to run 1/10th of a mile and then walk until I reached the 30 minute mark.  Sadly, I was only able to run 1/20th of a mile - tragic and sad, but that is all I could do.  I was breathing so hard - I struggled to get back to a place where I could breath comfortably.  This is how I started out my walk, so I think it made the rest of the walk harder because I had lost my breath so early on.

2) I went out after dark.  I will admit that I did this on purpose.  I feel VERY self conscious about running in public and I wanted it to be dark outside when I gave it the old college try.  The problem with this is that the temperature was a crisp 41 and a very cool wind was blowing. So as I panted and gasped for breath, I took in a lot of pretty cold, icy air.

3) I have had a cold - a mild cold - but apparently the mix of the workout and the cold, icy air didn't do me any favors.  Did I forget to mention that when I went out I didn't wear a jacket...yeah, that may have been a mistake too.

4) The shoes I had on were terrible.  I don't like my normal walking shoes, so I wore another pair that I haven't worn in a while.  They were not just terrible, they were HIDEOUS!  I have blisters on my feet and my toes hurt from sliding into the tip of the shoe.  

It was a perfect storm, resulting in a terrible workout that has left me feeling a bit discouraged.  Not defeated...no, I won't be defeated...but I do feel discouraged.

Believe it or not, there were a couple of high points that I think are worth noting.

I used a free program called RunKeeper to track my run.  It is AWESOME.  It tracks your pace, your distance covered, the route you take and the amount of time you have been working out.  The BEST part is that it makes announcements every 5 minutes (this was a surprise to me - a very pleasant surprise) to let you know how far you have gone and your average pace.  I have used it before and I always really liked it, but now that it talks to me....well, I am in deep, meaningful love with it.  The chart above is one of the perks of the app.

I discovered that my new phone KICKS A**, as do my new beats headphones, and the Google Cloud is a gift sent from heaven.

Finally, despite feeling breathless, sore, discouraged and SO out of shape...I am so glad I got up off my booty and took another step, literally, in making what I hope are lifelong changes. 

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On a related note, my mother in law gave me this FANTASTIC recipe for making baked Buffalo Chicken Tenders that are point friendly on Weight Watchers.  Friends, these things were DELICIOUS.  I did not feel like I was missing out on ANYTHING!  This week I also made a Fajita Burrito Bowl - I got the idea from Chipotle.  Let me tell you, it was FANTASTIC! 

I am so pleased with some of the creative food we are putting together! It feels great to be eating things that taste great AND are good for me!  I guess you can have your cake and eat it too (as long as it is made with pumpkin puree instead of eggs and oil)!  

TORTURE

Thanks to the President's Day holiday, this last weekend was a "long" one for me and my family.  I had looked forward to the extra day off for weeks, and by the time Friday came, I was so ready for it to start.  I had planned to do a lot or relaxing, get caught up on some of my "TO DO" list (and gently encourage the Hubs to do the same).

On Saturday relaxing translated into sitting on my couch and watching TV - Food Network to be exact.

I love Food Network - I mean LOVE it!  Chopped - Yes Please!  Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives - Adore! Cupcake Wars - How I Love You!

I ate my traditional breakfast (regular oatmeal cooked in milk with a tablespoon of peanut butter and a tablespoon of honey - thank you runsforcookies for introducing me to the joy of oatmeal for breakfast), a little later than normal - because, well, it was a long weekend and I was ABSOLUTELY sleeping in.  ANYWAY, about noon I started to get REALLY hungry.  I was surprised because I ate at 10:00 and shouldn't be feeling hungry until 1:30ish.  Nonetheless it was non and I was dying to eat.

I went ahead and ate because, well, I'm trying to listen to body cues.  I had a great lunch - very filling sandwich, fruit, some Pop Chips (I could write a whole post about how much I love Pop Chips).  I was FULL and I was SATISFIED.  So, when two hours later I was in the same boat - feeling like I wanted to eat - dying to eat - I was beyond surprised - I would go so far as to say shocked.

Then it hit me.

I wasn't hungry at all.  I had spent the morning watching Food Network and I was CRAVING all of the food that they were flashing across the screen: cheese skirted hamburgers, fresh made dumplings, gourmet pizza. I might as well have been an alcoholic sitting in a bar having drink after drink waved under my nose - tempting me - torturing me to partake.

I want to say I did the right thing and turned the TV off to allow my overloaded senses to relax.

I didn't.

I continued to torture myself for another few hours before finally saying ENOUGH and turning the channel.

Saturday was the hardest day for me since the first few days of this diet (I don't like that word - but let's face it...I'm on a diet!).  I ended up weathering the self induced storm, but only barely.

What did I learn?  Well, watching Food Network for hours at a time is hazardous to my health (literally) AND changing my bad habits is hard enough without placing myself in temptations path - and that is a reality I have to face, accept and plan for.

That is what making permanent change is all about.

HERE I AM!

I thought it was time to post a photo of myself - to begin the visual documentation of this journey.

I wish I had a photo of myself at 430 lbs, but alas, I do not. 

So, here I am at 419.8 lbs.

(10.2 lbs. lost)

YES!

Last night before going to bed I had butterflies in my stomach - the eve of weigh in.

Weigh in eve is an ominous night in this household.  We teeter on the precipice of joy or sorrow - the entire mood of the weekend is determined by the three numbers that pop up on that scale (maybe I need to re-read my 'Power' post!!).

I was a nervous wreck thinking about it, hoping for the best, but dreading the worst.  I struggled to fall asleep and when I finally did I ended up dreaming about weigh in.  I dreamed I was trying desperately to weigh in, but no matter how hard I tried, I kept falling off the scale.  I moved the scale all over, trying to find a place where I could weigh in, but not matter where I tried I couldn't hold my balance and I would fall off.  Finally, I was able to prop myself up and hold myself steady enough to weigh in...the scale said 432 lbs.  I was distraught...and when I woke up I actually had tears running down my face.

Yes, I realize I seem to have serious psychological problems for which I need to seek help.

When I woke up with tears running down my face I thought two things 1) I am very strange and need help and 2) I better get this weigh in over.  So weigh in I did, and.......

419.8

A loss of 4.4 lbs. this week, a total of 10.2 lbs. lost.  

I was thrilled!

The mountain is a moving!

CHOICES

We as humans have a flaw - a major flaw!  We make bad choices.  We do.

We. Make. Bad. Choices.

Not all the time, but on a fairly regular basis.

The amazing thing is, we often KNOW we are making a bad choice, and we do it anyway.  Most of the time it makes us miserable when we do it, but we do it anyway.  We make the bad choice - and then we suffer for it.

Here's the thing - Life has rules.  It does.  Most of us don't like it, and we want to find a way around it, but it doesn't change the reality.

Life. Has. Rules.

And when we break those rules, there are consequences.  Yes, There. Are. Consequences!

In our day and age we are all about making excuses for why it's OK to break the rules.  Why the consequences aren't really ALL that bad, right!  I mean, come on, it's our life, isn't it.

The problem with all this "rule breaking" and "bad choice making" is that RARELY do the consequences affect only us.  More often than not they affect those around us - the people we love most - even the people we may not love, but who just happen to be our fellow human beings travelling along with us in this thing called life.

We know this.  We get it. It doesn't matter.  WE KEEP DOING IT!

And as we continue to do it, we hurt those around us.  We don't want to admit it, but the reality is...WE HURT THOSE AROUND US WHEN WE MAKE BAD CHOICES...WHEN WE BREAK THE RULES.

I am a rule breaker.  Yep.  I am.

I came into my own where rule breaking was concerned in my mid early twenties.  Pushing the envelope became my modus operandi.  Telling me NOT to do something was like a dare to me -  I was probably going to do it anyway.  Because, look, I am my own woman...and I will decide what I will and will not do - on my own.  I will not learn from other's mistakes - why should I when I can make my own and learn from them!!  And even then, I will barely learn from my own!  I will do what I want, when I want, how I want.  DAMN THE CONSEQUENCES!

You know where this attitude has gotten me?  To 430 lbs.  That's where.  To 160/100 unmedicated.  That's where.

Did I know that eating 5000 calories a day was going to have a consequence?  YES!
Did I know that the consequence was going to be weight gain?  YES!
Did I know that this weight gain was going to cause me pain and suffering?  YES!
Did I know that it was going to affect those around me? YES!

But I did it anyway.  I knew, with every fiber of my being, that it was the wrong choice, but I did it anyway.  DAMN THE CONSEQUENCES.

So, here I am today....a 37 year old woman...wife to one pretty spectacular guy...mother to two beautiful daughters.  I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am an aunt, and I am a friend.  BAD CHOICE MAKER.  RULE BREAKER.  And you know what, my bad choices have impacted every single one of my relationships.  EVERY SINGLE ONE.  They feel the consequences.

I don't travel - too big to fit in an airplane seat.
I don't run and jump and play with my kids - I tire out far too fast.
I don't go out to socialize with my friends often - I feel too embarrassed about my weight.
I don't volunteer at my children's school - don't want to embarrass them.
I worry openly to my husband about heart attack, stroke, cancer - I'm convinced they are coming.

My bad choices permeate every single moment of every single day.  And you know what, it's my fault.  Plain and simple. It. Is. My. Fault!  I have no one to blame but myself.

I look back at those moments when I made those bad choices, and of course, I wish I could take them back. I wish I had made the right choice - followed the rule.  But I didn't.

But I can't.

What I can do, however, is humble myself, admit there are rules, learn from my mistakes, LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS, and try with all my heart to make good choices.  To make the choices that I know are right.  The choices that will bring me happiness, and bring happiness to those around me.

And what will that attitude get me?

265 lbs. lost and 120/70 - unmedicated.

Here's to making good choices and following the rules!

SOCIALIZING

The last several days have been FILLED with my biggest challenge on a diet - the social event.  It has been one after the other after the other....and I am proud to say, with the exception of one situation, I did very well in terms of counting my points and making good decisions.  Here is a recap of my adventures.

Friday, Outing #1:  Met an old friend for lunch at my fave Mexican restaurant.  I over ate - no questions, but I counted the points and should have been OK - but outing #3 took me down.

Friday, Outing #2: Cute little nephew's birthday party.  It was held at Planet Play - a fun center with a buffet style meal.  I was terrified, I won't lie. But I made great decisions and left feeling like a champ (except for that part where I lost my car keys - again.  SERIOUSLY!).  I ate a baked potato w/ marinara sauce on it, a few black olives, a tablespoon of sour cream and a tablespoon of shredded cheese.  I also had 1/3 cup of soft serve ice cream and a fresh baked mini chocolate chip cookie.  I was completely satisfied when I left and well within my daily points allotment.

Friday, Outing #3:  Movies.  I took my niece to the movies.  We went to see 'The Vow'.  I was DYING to see the movie.  The hubs was taking the girls to a Daddy/Daughter dance, so I thought - this is my chance to see a sappy romance!  I had coached myself over and over again - YOU WILL NOT EAT TOO MUCH POPCORN.  YOU WILL NOT EAT TOO MUCH POPCORN.  Guess what, I ate too much popcorn.  WAY too much popcorn.  BUT, the positive is that I faced the music and tracked the points for it (ugh).  I also paid dearly on Saturday - my stomach was beyond upset and my digestive system was unappreciative of my escapade.

Saturday, Outing #1: Birthday Party.  My oldest daughter turned 10 years old!!! Seriously, that alone was reason to emotion eat, but I did not.  We had her birthday party at "The Lion House" in Salt Lake - with 11 young children (again, insert reason to emotion eat here).  I was a rock!  Thanks in large part to my disgruntled digestive system!!  They served a small luncheon with carrots, a small tuna sandwich, pretzels and apples.  Not too shabby.  I ate a slice of birthday cake (so worth it) and a scoop of ice cream (again, so worth it).  Tracked all my points and was sitting pretty.

Saturday, Outing #2: Dinner.  My mother-in-law came to town this weekend for the birthday festivities.  We went out to dinner after she got in.  We originally planned to go to my fave Mexican restaurant (yes, I had just eaten there the day before....it is fab, I can't help it), but the wait was too long and my MIL was hungry and ready to eat.  We headed over to Zupa's.  I wanted the Wisconsin Cauliflower (my favorite soup at Zupa's), but instead chose the Chicken Tortilla with a Chicken Salad.  I had low fat dressing on my salad, and it was good.  Points wise, it was a winner.  I finished the day strong and was well within my points allotment.

Sunday, Outing #1:  Birthday Party.  We had a family birthday celebration for my nephew and my daughter - as well as my mom, sister and sister-in-law, who all celebrated birthdays this week.  Again, I was faced with birthday cake and ice cream.  I did partake, but I kept the portions small and point friendly (oh yeah, and left ALL the extra cake and cupcakes at my sister's house - I can't be trusted!).

And of course, last night was Valentine's Day.  Luckily, I was not feeling great and did not want to go out to eat.  Chris brought home Cafe Rio - I had a Chicken Salad - which, by the way, is not very point friendly - but I had enough to cover it.

Food is such a major part of how we socialize with each other.  That is a piece of reality I am ALWAYS going to have to deal with.  I don't want to avoid those situations - I love my friends and family and want to spend time with them - eat with them and love the food!  But, if these last few days has taught me anything, it is that I can be successful in a social situation by planning ahead, making good choices, watching my portion sizes, AND not ordering a large popcorn under any circumstance (Connie, It's O.K. that the small popcorn is not as good a value as the large popcorn, it really is - you won't die).

In other news - You may notice the lack of a weigh in post today.  There is a great reason for that - I have changed my weigh in days from Wednesday to Saturday.  Here's the deal.  Weighing in is an event for me - and an emotional one at that.  I have a process that I have to go through before I weigh in - it is time consuming, and a little OCD, but it is my process and I need to be able to go through it before I weigh in.  Also, once I have weighed in, I need time to process and analyze my results - and if necessary, kick, scream and yell.  Trying to do all of that on a day when I have to work is not possible.  Not possible at all.  I did weigh in last Saturday - and yes, I lost weight - 2.6 lbs. to be precise (I was thrilled considering the night before was the popcorn fiasco).  I will have a full weigh in post this coming Saturday!!! STAY TUNED!

LOVE

Tonight I had planned a post about the importance of food in our social interactions...it's a topic that I will definitely write about.  But tonight - tonight I cannot help but write about something totally different.  Something not related to my weight loss journey.  Something far deeper and far more important.  Forgive me while I digress....

15 years ago I met the man of my dreams.  I always joke with my kids about how we met..."It was a cold, winter evening in the basque country of Spain - I saw him through the steam of the train I had just gotten off of"...the funny thing is, its true - that's how it happened.  It wasn't love at first site - it took a month for me to know that he was something special - 3 to know that without a doubt I would marry him.

When I say that heaven & earth moved so that we could be together, it is no lie.  Our paths in life were so completely different that to believe anything besides the hand of God was what brought us together would be ridiculous, and insulting.

We were meant to be together - of that I have absolutely no doubt. 

He is what makes me whole.  He is what fills every part of my heart and my soul.  He is the one true love of my life. 

Honestly, I have no idea how I got so lucky.  NO. IDEA.   All I know is that I love him more than I can even say - it actually hurts me HURTS ME to let that emotion completely flow through me - it is so powerful and so strong.

I love him.  I love him.  I love him.

POWER

I have had a lot of people tell me they think it is very courageous that I am sharing my weight on the internet - to document it for all to see.

Here's the thing - I feel like I have given far too much power to those 3 numbers (I almost typed 3 little numbers, but then I realized...well, not so little) for far too long.  I need to demystify them - take away their power.  In a 12 step program the first thing you have to do is admit the problem.  I can't do that without saying...MY NAME IS CONNIE AND I WEIGH 426.8 LBS!  Honestly, saying it frees me! It is the first step in the battle! Acknowledging it makes me stronger!  I can't let these 3 numbers have any more power over me than I already have for, honestly, my entire life.

Will people see me differently because they actually know how much I weigh?  If they do, they are shallow and certainly not someone I want in my life.  The people who love me and care for me do so because of the person I am, not because of the numbers that pop up on a scale when I step on it. 

We women give far too much power to what we weigh.  We keep it a secret.  Many of us don't even share it with our significant others!!! The people we have chosen to share our lives with!  We give it THAT MUCH POWER!  We allow it to make us feel good, or feel bad.  We use it to compare ourselves to others - to compare to those COMPLETELY FAKE FACTOIDS celebrities share about how much they weigh.  Let's face it - celebrities and models LIE about it, or refuse to divulge it for fear of how it will affect their image.  We rush to compare ourselves to them and make changes so we can look the way they look.  YOU KNOW WHAT - If I had a personal chef and a personal trainer AND a plastic surgeon who worked together to resolve every flaw in my body, I would look like Jennifer Aniston too!  It's not realistic.  Not gonna happen.  I have me - me, myself and I.  And you know what, its enough. 

We are more than our weight ladies!  We are FAR MORE than our weight. 

We need to quit giving it power.  As I am typing this I am seriously thinking of making a t-shirt with my weight on it and wearing it all over...and on the back it will say...yep, that's my weight - DEAL WITH IT!

WE ARE MORE THAN OUR WEIGHT! 

I AM MORE THAN MY WEIGHT!

So, by sharing my weight with all of you, I have given myself back the power.  I have admitted the problem and done it in front of my friends, family AND anyone who comes across my blog.  I have taken the first step - and you know what - it is the first step on THE LAST JOURNEY I will ever take to lose weight.  I feel powerful enough tonight to guarantee that I will make it to the end of this journey this time.

I will succeed!

BELOW EXPECTATIONS

I did it. I weighed in this morning. My stomach was churning, literally, as I went to get on the scale. I even woke my husband up, announced I was going to weigh in and told him to hold my hand and prepare to comfort me, if needed.

I lost weight. So, that is good.

But I didn't lose as much weight as I thought I would, and that really bummed me out.

I won't lie, I expected to step on that scale and see some kind of Biggest Loser weight loss - double digits!! I mean, I do have 265 FREAKING LBS TO LOSE and double digits in my first week just seemed, well, a given. It wasn't.

In the end I lost 3.2 lbs. A respectable number for sure, but below my expectations.

I felt sad this morning - but more than anything I feel worried that this new PointsPlus program from Weight Watchers doesn't work as well as the old program. My mother in law, a Leader for Weight Watchers, assures me this is not the case. I am skeptical. But, I am not ready to give up and remain focused on taking things day by day.

DAY BY DAY. I have to keep saying it to myself. DAY BY DAY.

2/08/2012 - 426.8 - the first stone of the mountain moved (again). Here's hoping that I don't pack mule it back to the mountain as I have so many other times in the past.

SCARED

Tomorrow is my first weigh in. I am nervous. Really nervous. I want so much to be successful on this journey...I NEED to be successful. Tonight I am committing that no matter what the scale says, I will move forward. I can't let myself be discouraged and defeated. I am hoping for the best, but honestly, I am planning for the worst.

Today was a good day - much better than yesterday. I met an old friend for lunch at Panda Express. I am proud to say I chose wisely - Steamed Rice w/ String Bean Chicken Breast - it was great and I felt satisfied. Satisfied that I had a great lunch with a good friend, made good choices and stuck to my plan.

Dinner was fantastic! I made Chicken Italian Sausage (thank you sam's club for this fantastic treasure) with zuchinni and mushrooms tossed with pasta, a little olive oil and parmesan cheese. To. Die. For. Dessert was a slice of chocolate cake (a cake mix mixed with pumpkin puree and baked) with bananas and lite cool whip. FANTASTIC. When I make food that tastes this good AND is health, I wonder why the hell I ever choose to eat crap!!

So, even though I am really trying to focus on taking things day by day, at times I can't help thinking about the enormity of the task in front of me - losing 265 lbs. seems daunting, and at times impossible. In light of my weigh in tomorrow, this was on my mind tonight - a lot. I felt like I needed some inspiration, so I googled "lost more than 250 lbs." and found a couple of good stories:

• Susan Blech lost nearly 300 lbs without surgery (that is key to me as I have no intention of having surgery to lose weight)
• Kathy Halderman lost 250 lbs without surgery. I nearly cried as I read her story.

I also love the website www.runsforcookies.com. Katie lost 125 lbs. Her website is what inspired me to get back on track. I read her posts everyday and I am so grateful for how real she is about the journey.

I'm going to bed feeling good. Satisfied. Inspired. And yes, still a little scared for what tomorrow morning will bring.

HUNGER

Today is the sixth day in my most recent journey to lose weight. It was tough, I won't lie. I was hungry pretty regularly throughout the day. I don't know that what I was feeling was truly hunger - more than likely it was really my emotional desire to eat. BUT, I made it. It didn't win, I did. I made it through the day. Day. By. Day!

I also learned some things today...

• Potatoes are incredibly high in points on the new weight watchers program. Come on! It should be a vegetable!
• Salmon is higher in points than I think it should be. It bugs me, frankly, and makes me doubtful of the new calculations.
• I can eat a donut - a chocolate donut - if I choose. Track the points, adjust for the day. All is right with the world.
• Pop Chips are a godsend AND my newest obsession. They are delicious and so point friendly.
• Apples with Cinammon sprinkled on them really are the bomb...and a fantastic 0 point snack!

Learning each day...one day at a time.

UNCOMFORTABLE

Uncomfortable. That is how I feel. Every minute of every single day. I am uncomfortable...uncomfortable in my own skin, literally, because there is FAR too much of it. And under that layer of far too much skin is far too much fat - adding to the feeling of complete discomfort. I feel squished, literally squished, all the time. I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable.

I started a big long post today about how I got to this point, exploring my emotional eating and the ballooning of my weight to a whopping 430 lbs. But you know what - all that is beside the point now. I am here. I can't change the past. I can only change what comes next. And so that is what I am doing...and I will keep doing it until I get it right.

Yesterday I started Weight Watchers again...for the 9,000,000,001 time. I signed up and started tracking. I made it through the day yesterday, and even though I still felt uncomfortable & squished most of the day, I also felt good. I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt possibility in the air.

This is not a journey that will be easy...Obviously, this journey didn't start yesterday, I've been on it for a very long time. I've started it over more times than I care to count. I've taken 2 steps forward and 100 steps back on many, many occasions. Yesterday I took a step forward - and from here on out I am committed to taking it day by day. Nothing more, just day by day.