I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY

Last night my sister came over for a few minutes and we were chatting about our weight loss efforts.  I told her that the last month has been a real struggle - one day I'm on track, the next day I'm not - I'm all over the place.  She has also had some struggles.  We talked about what we thought were some of the reasons for our struggles, trying to understand just what is dragging us off track.  For me, I felt the following were some of the culprits:

• Summer - it makes me want to be footloose and fancy free - this applies in EVERY aspect of my life.  I don't want to be held to a housework schedule, I want to have more freedom to come and go at work AND it appears I also want to be able to eat whatever I want.  
• Road trips / Vacations / Weekenders - I really, really, really struggle to stay on track when I am going away for a vacation or weekend getaway.  I don't plan well for the road trip so instead of having healthy snacks readily available, I end up eating junk food.  I don't make good selections at restaurants either.  It just kills me.  Over the last month I have been to Moab, Lake Powell, California (we had to go to California last week due to a death in the family - we ended up driving because of short notice on the funeral arrangements.  It was a long road trip there an back!).   Being constantly on the go has thrown my routine into shamble and bottom line on this one, I just don't spend the time I need to making a plan for success.  
• Empty Nest - My kids have been staying with their grandparents for the last 3 weeks.  It has been really difficult to want to come home from work and prepare dinner without them there - so we just end up eating out.  We also have been going on a lot of 'dates' while they have been gone, and that usually entails some type of food too.  

I feel like as I type this it might sound like I am just making a lot of excuses for myself - but honestly, that is not what I am trying to do.  At work, when there is a problem, we go through what we call a Root Cause Analysis, which is designed to identify the true reason that a problem or issue is occurring.  We use a tool called a Five Why evaluation - we ask WHY over and over and over until we feel we really can't ask it anymore...

Q:  Why are you struggling to eat healthy?
Q:  Why does the Summer cause you to eat unhealthy?
Q: Why do you want to feel footloose and fancy free?
Q:  Why do road trips / vacations cause a problem?
Q:  Why don't you take the time to make a plan?  What is getting in the way?

You get the picture - we keep pushing and questioning until we feel we have gotten to the root cause - the true underlying issue. Once we FINALLY identify the root cause issue, we make action plans and implement counter measures to either mitigate the root cause, or completely eliminate it.

I feel like getting to root cause is just as important in my personal life as it is in my work life.  I need to remind myself that rather than just say "you are just making a bunch of excuses", I need to take the time to really understand and question what is going on so that I can make real, effective plans, and then implement them. Could one of the root cause issues be "I'm lazy"?  I'm sure it could be - but honestly, you can see the WHY there, right?  WHY AM I LAZY?  More often than not issues are far deeper than a vague generality like that.

ANYWAY, I'm trying to get to root cause.  Trying to figure out why this time of year, and this particular stretch of road on my weight loss journey seems to consistently give me issues.  I'm not there yet, but I'm hoping I get there.   I want to be successful navigating these bumps in the road, and right now I am struggling FAR more than I want to.  I want to have a good, solid strategy - because there is no doubt that there will be more bumps in the future on this long journey.

With that said, I recognize I need to push myself to stay on track.  If I let things backslide that IS NOT going to help me get to the root cause of my issues.  Ultimately it is just going to make it more difficult mentally, emotionally, and physically to get where I need to be.  Again, at work, doing a root cause analysis on a problem doesn't mean that we just let the problem continue unchecked until we figure out root cause.  There are times when we simply have to FORCE a solution - slap a band-aid on it - until we can get to a much smarter, more efficient solution. I have to accept that this is no different. I am going to have to FORCE a solution - slap a band-aid on - and STOP THE BLEED.  Right now, I think the band-aid is simply pushing through, no matter what - even if it feels grueling and a little miserable.  Clearly I can't maintain that long term - grueling and miserable isn't sustainable.  I  have to accept it is going to be HARD for the time being, and I need to steel up for that.  I also need to remember that if I put the work in, I can make sure it will be MUCH easier in the future.

Just writing the above paragraph makes me breath a deep, frustrated sigh - ugh.

Last night as I was talking to my sister, I also told her that I hadn't blogged in a while.  She asked me why and I told her that I just didn't know what to say, to which she responded, "JUST SAY THAT!  Say you don't know what to say - say you don't know why you are having a hard time - but don't just go radio silent."

So, here I am, saying - I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.  I am struggling.  I am all over the place.  I have really good days, but more REALLY bad days right now.  I can't seem to get my head right.

Not very inspirational - not at at all - but it is true.

06/15/2013 - WEIGH IN & THE WEEKEND!

It has been two weeks since I last weighed in, and honestly, I didn't expect to lose any weight when I stepped on the scale this morning.  Today was more about getting back into my routine and holding myself accountable...but of course, I didn't want to see a big gain.

These last two weeks have been filled with a lot of ups and downs where my nutrition is concerned:

• A full blown binge
• Several days WAY above my calorie range
• LOTS of eating out
• Inconsistent vacation eating
• No groceries in the house
• Movie popcorn mania
• FINALLY four days back on track

You know what, even though it has been rough, I don't feel bad about it.  I am finally starting to realize that this is a learning process, and with any learning process, there are going to be times when you struggle.  BUT, if you keep trying to move forward, keep trying to learn the concept, eventually you get it.

Coming into the summer months has been hard for me - and frankly, it has been the downfall of my previous attempts to shed the weight on MANY different occasions.  The change of season brings a whole host of different activities and a greater desire to feel wild and carefree, and that means that the routine has to be adjusted to accommodate.  I haven't ever made the adjustments in the past - I just kept trying to do the same old thing and eventually that just led to failure.  But this time I am determined to make the changes and make it through AND accept that some bumpy road is part of the journey and NOT the end of the world.

SO, with all that said, here are my weigh in results:

369.00 lbs.  That is a gain of 1.4 lbs. from the last time I weighed in, but honestly, I feel good about it.  I feel good that I am still in the 360's...it doesn't feel like I lost too much ground and I don't feel demotivated by that number!

This next week my focus is going to be:

• Consistently eating on my routine / schedule - when I eat on a schedule, I do so much better.   I never get to a crazy, hungry, ravenous state.  I also feel really satisfied and in control.
• Increase daily consumption of fruits and veggies - VOLUMETRICS!  I need to fill up on these types of foods, which keep me satisfied, but don't eat up a lot of calories.
• Staying within my calorie range
• Getting my full daily water intake
• At least 3 days of exercise - 30 minutes minimum
• No eating out

I feel really good coming into this next week, and I know that I am going to have a successful week - no matter what that scale says next Saturday.

This weekend Chris and I are empty nesters!  The girls have gone to Colorado to stay with their Grandma and Grandpa, so it is just the two of us!  We plan to:

• RELAXING
• Cuddling - WHEREVER WE WANT TO!
• Listening to our music REALLY loud, since there are no kids to complain about it
• CHURCH - we haven't been to church in a while and I just feel spiritually starved!
• HIKE - Chris wants to hike to Mirror Lake tomorrow for Father's Day.

Hoping you all have a fantastic weekend!

P.S. - I just realized that I have 1 month and 4 days until my birthday - and my goal is to be at 350 lbs. by my birthday.  Honestly, how awesome would it be if I could score 349 lbs. by my birthday!!  THAT is my goal. 349 lbs!  That is 20 lbs from now!!  I don't know if I can do it, I am usually around 12 - 16 lbs. a month.  I'm still going for it!

DAY 3 - I KNEW I COULD DO BETTER!

Today I had a really strong day, and it felt GREAT!  After 2 days of struggling to make it through, it was nice to get a day in that didn't feel like it was nothing but an uphill battle.

On my lunch break today, I finally got to the grocery store, which made a big difference in my ability to stay on track.  We haven't had any fresh veggies or fruit in the house since we got back from Lake Powell, and it has made things so much more difficult!  So, when I walked into the produce section of Costco, well, I basically went insane.  I ended up walking out with grapes, oranges, bananas, snap peas, baby bell peppers, grape tomatoes, salad - and tomorrow, I will be going back for a big back of apples.

As strange as this sounds, sometimes I forget how important it is to have healthy, fresh produce readily available!!  It just makes it so much easier to stay on track, because I can supplement entrees with foods that will fill me up, without the big hit to the calorie bottom line.

I also picked up some Nugo bars, which just happen to be my favorite afternoon snack.  I haven't bought them in a long time, and I just don't understand why not!!  They are a little pricey, but seriously, they fill me up, keep my afternoon/evening snacking under control, and have less than 200 calories!  I think that is worth the $$, which, by the way, is far less than a convenience store snack, which is what I would be eating if I got ravenous and fell off the wagon!!

After my shopping spree I headed back to work - and had to haul my entire purchase inside and store it in the office fridge!  Embarrassing, yes, but I honestly didn't care - not even a little!  I was just so happy to have groceries!

When I got home from work, I wasn't feeling much like cooking, but I was determined to get back to eating at home instead of eating out.  A friend at work suggested I try a recipe for Hawaiian Haystacks. I wasn't really wild about the idea. I have only eaten Hawaiian Haystacks one time in my life, and I wasn't a big fan.  I don't love cream of mushroom or chicken soup, and typically the chicken gravy that is used on Hawaiian Haystacks is made with one or the other.  BUT, my friend was insistent that this recipe would change my mind because it didn't use condensed soups of any kind.  She even pitched the fact that I could load them up with lots of fruit and veggies, knowing that would speak to my healthy eating.  I decided to give it a try.

WHY NOT!

It. Was. Delicious!  I was so thrilled with how it turned out!  Once I piled the toppings on:  black olives, green onions, mandarin oranges, cherry tomatoes, a little bit of cheese, crunchy chow mein noodles - well, I was in heaven.   I was even happier when I calculated that calories for the meal - rice, chicken gravy and all my toppings came to 600 calories.  I usually like to stay around 500 - 600 calories for dinner, so this was PERFECT!  I will definitely be making them again.  If you are interested in the recipe, you can find them here!  If you try them, let me know what you think!

So, three days back on track - 2 pretty shaky, and 1 very strong.

I KNEW I COULD DO BETTER!

GETTING BACK TO THE ROUTINE

Life has been so crazy around here since Memorial Day weekend!  I already blogged a little about our trip to Moab, UT.  It was very last minute, very crazy, and absolutely fantastic!  I actually tracked my food intake while I was gone, and did a pretty good job staying within my calorie range.  We were VERY active while we were there and I was burning calories left and right, so I wasn't too worried overall.  I definitely still plan to write a couple of posts about our adventures there...but in the meantime, here is one of my favorite images we captured - live and in person! Seriously, seeing this after a pretty strenuous hike and 15 years of convincing myself I couldn't make that hike again - well it was worth every ache, pain, and gasp for breath!

When we got home from Moab, I was hit with a case of stomach flu (or food poisoning, I have no idea which).  I had 36 hours of pure hell while everything I had eaten on Monday made a reappearance in one unpleasant form or another.  Sadly, I kept thinking that as horrible as it all was, it was probably going to be really good for my weigh in - Silver Linings? Or time for therapy?  I am leaning towards the latter!  I snapped a pic of me after the ordeal (hopefully it is crystal clear which pic is which) and put it side by side with a pic of me after I was cleaned up and back to normal.  I can't help but share it here, because it is SO funny!

Seriously...I showed this pic to my boss at work and he said, in his very thick Indiana drawl, "Oh my hell, that looks like one of those before and after meth pictures!"  I laughed so hard...because it is so true!

After my bout with the Stomach flu, I didn't feel much like eating for the rest of the week, which should seem like a good thing, but honestly, it really wasn't!  Being out of town for the weekend had thrown me off my schedule - not terribly, but enough that I needed to get back on track quickly.  Stomach flu, and my subsequent non-existent appetite, made it impossible to truly get back into my routine.  So, even though my weigh in went well that week, I was struggling to get back into the swing of things.

That was a bad thing, because the craziness had only just begun.

The weekend after we went to Moab turned into a marathon yard work weekend.  Chris and I pulled weeds, we removed dead trees, returned them, bought new ones and planted them.  We planted bushes, plants, mowed...we worked our butts off!  It was a really productive weekend outside - inside, well that's another story - but again, I struggled to stay on routine.  Being outside all day meant we didn't really eat a meal, but rather snacked.  And when we were done, well, we had no desire to cook...so instead we ate out.  Again, I technically stayed within my calorie range, but frankly, there is more to this than just the calorie count!

I NEED ROUTINE!

Going into the next week we were exhausted - and it wasn't about to slow down!

On Tuesday my mother-in-law came down to pick the girls up for their extended summer visit with her - that meant Monday was spent cleaning, doing laundry, packing and prepping.

Wednesday was the last day of school for my girls, and they both had to take treats, so Tuesday - in addition to hosting my mother-in-law, I also had to get treats and other end of school items handled.

Thursday Chris and I had to get everything prepped, packed and loaded for our trip to Lake Powell as we were leaving on Friday night. We had decided that the lawn would have to be mowed before we left, so as soon as I got home from work I started mowing.  That somehow turned into a marathon evening of yard work - finishing up what we hadn't from the weekend before.   SERIOUSLY, WHO DOES AN IMPROMPTU YARD WORK MARATHON ON A THURSDAY NIGHT, AFTER WORK, WHILE GETTING READY FOR A MINI VACAY???  We also managed to pack the van with all of our camping gear and get ready to head out on Friday as soon as we got off work.

WHEW!

Friday after work we got home, finished up last minute preparations and drove to Lake Powell.  We left home at around 6:30 PM and we got there at 12:30 AM!!!

Saturday, Sunday we enjoyed the Lake (it is amazing, and despite the absolutely punishing, unseasonal heat, we loved every minute of it) and on Monday we headed home.  We got back at about 6:00 PM.  We proceeded to unpack, clean the van (seriously, we detailed the thing - no idea where the energy to do that came from) and then we CRASHED hard.  Here is a one of the fantastic scenes we took in at the Lake in a side canyon where we didn't see another human being for 2 full hours!! It was like our own little piece of heaven!

Getting up for work on Tuesday was like death!

ANYWAY, long story short - I have not been on any sort of routine for two weeks!  Yesterday it was hard to make it through the day - I started out really strong, but as the day went on it got harder.  I managed to hang on, but I was definitely fighting to make it happen!  Today was the same. I need to go grocery shopping, I need to get a menu put together - not being on top of that is making everything harder...BUT, every day that I make it through is a step back to routine and sanity!

I'm getting there!

I know my weigh in won't be great on Saturday - but honestly, right now I am focused on getting back to my routine, getting back to organized!  If I can make some serious progress on those things, I will be thrilled!

I'M STILL HERE - JUST SUMMER BUSY!!

I just wanted to write a quick post to let you know that 1) I am still here!! 2) I am still committed and on my path!!  3) I still love writing about my journey - even the ugly parts!

SUMMER IS HERE!  And boy, have I been busy!   My girls are out for the summer, my mother-in-law came for a visit, we went on another weekend outing - I haven't even shared my fantastic adventures in Moab, and now I have more fantastic adventures from Lake Powell, UT to share!!!

I DEFINITELY have some thoughts about staying on plan and vacations!  BOY, it is harder than I think it should be!

Weigh in didn't happen on Saturday because I was no where near a scale...BUT, it WILL be happening this Saturday!

Anyway, I have a lot to share, so stay tuned!!

THERE CANNOT BE A FOURTH!

I feel schizophrenic right now...waffling between a dedicated, motivated, committed woman on a path to reach her health and fitness goals AND a woman who can't seem to stay in control, and sometimes acts like she doesn't even want to!

What. The. Hell!

I had a great weigh in this week - GREAT!  I welcomed a new weight "decade"...it felt great!  I am 2 lbs. away from my lowest weight in 8 years...and what am I doing?

FALLING. OFF. THE. WAGON!

I have really struggled to stay on track the last three days - a lot of eating out, over my calories Saturday, Sunday and Monday! Failing to food journal....I swear, I am one Coke away from complete melt down.

So, of course, I just keep asking myself WHY?  Why am I allowing this to happen?

IS IT THE CHANGE OF SEASON?  Desire to feel carefree as summer arrives?

IS IT A SELF DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCY I HARBOR WITHIN MYSELF?  I am really starting to make progress on my weight loss journey!    In my past attempts to lose weight, it seems like right as I start to make real progress, I struggle and eventually fail.  Am I subconsciously afraid of losing weight and getting to my goal?

All I know is that I am struggling, and every day that I let it get away from me it becomes that much more difficult to get back on track.

I do not want to fail, that is for sure - but right now that desire is NOT out weighing my desire to eat, eat, eat!   I guess this is where I have to dig deep and force myself to do this and pray that they motivation and desire returns.

Three days are lost - I can't afford to lose a fourth.   So, I'm going to read stories of others who are doing well and I'm going to lean on their success.  I'm going to remind myself that for four months I have made a dent in this mountain - it is moving - and it would be a shame to stop now.  And, I'm going to pray and ask for help - because let's face it - I have never been doing this on my own.

6/01/2013 - Weigh In & The Weekend!

This week has KICKED MY BUTT!  We had a VERY active Memorial Day Weekend (and yes, I still need to finish up my posts about our adventures).  When we got home on Monday, I was hit with a case of the stomach flu and was out of work for two days!  That meant when I was finally able to go back to work I was SWAMPED!  I haven't had time to do much else!

Weigh in this morning went well!  I made it into the 360's!!!! AND, I hit my 60 lbs. gone!!! I was pretty excited!!!  Here is my weigh in pic:

06/01/2013

This week's loss was 2.6 lbs.!  Total weight lost is 62.4 lbs.!

I have to admit, I was excited to take my next weight loss photo...here it is!  No, I don't have any make-up on, my head tilt is ridiculous and I look goofy - BUT I DON'T CARE!  I'm not letting that rain on my parade today!

This weekend, we have A LOT to do.  We are crazy behind on laundry, housework and yard work!  We tried to make some strides during the week, but it was largely fruitless.  We are going to be spending a lot of time doing A LOT of catch up around the house.

And that is all I have planned!!  Boring weekend, yes...but I have to admit, a boring weekend sounds pretty glorious right now!

Hope you all have a great one!!!