SPIRIT NIGHT

Last night was "spirit night" at the local Panda Express.  On spirit night the restaurant participating provides 20% of food purchases to the local elementary school.  Of course, my kids were dying to go and support their school (Uh huh - they wanted Panda, let's face it).  At first I was really hesitant because I am only a few days back on track, but in the end we decided to go.

I recently read a post by Katie @ Runs for Cookies that has really colored the way I am looking at this new attempt at reaching my goal weight.  Katie said that when she accepted that she was only going to make changes that she could live with forever she was finally able to lose the weight and achieve her goal weight. The post is fantastic and I would really encourage anyone struggling with weight loss / fitness to check it out.

Last night, as I thought about eating at Panda, I thought about Katie's post - and I realized I am not willing to give up eating out.  I am just not.  BUT, I am willing to limit it AND I am willing to make good choices.  And so, with that in mind, to Panda I went.  And you know what, I made great choices!  I ate mixed veggies, mushroom chicken and firecracker chicken, for a total of 420 calories.  I passed up the pot stickers (if you had any idea how much I love pot stickers, you would know what a MAJOR accomplishment it was) and a soda.  When we left, I felt satisfied physically and mentally.  It felt good.

After Panda we headed to McDonald's for a small vanilla cone (again, a runs for cookies idea) - it was the perfect ending, and again, I felt really satisfied.

I had planned to get a workout in last night, but some other important things came up that had to be taken care of.  Tonight I MUST work out.  It has been 2 days since I worked out and I can feel my desire and motivation fading quick.  It is so hard to build up a new habit, especially when it feels so miserable - which it does right now because my body is so overweight and out of shape - but the only thing to do to change it is FORCE the workout.  So, I am going to walk on the treadmill and maybe do a little Just Dance tonight.

All in all, still going well.  Food tracking - CHECK, staying in calorie range (1700 - 2000) CHECK, drinking water - CHECK, avoiding soda like the plague - CHECK.  I can't give exercise a check just yet - goal is 5 - 30 minute workouts each week.  This week I have logged 2...so, I have to workout today, tomorrow and Saturday and then I will be able to give it a CHECK.

5 days in...it will be over before I know it, right!!!!

STILL ON TRACK

I am thrilled that I am still on track. Yes, it is only day four, but hey, when you are taking it one day at a time...every day is a mini celebration!

So, here is my latest.  I am obsessed with Just Dance 4.  Am I good at it, No, No I am not.  In fact, I suck at it...AND, I look incredibly ridiculous when I am doing it...I have proof, believe me - it records you at certain points during the game and so you get to witness the ridiculousness that is.  But, here is the thing: I don't care!  I am having so much fun playing it that I don't even care that my arm and belly fat is flapping around and probably presenting a hazard to those in the near vicinity. I LOVE IT.  On Monday I played for 45 minutes!  45 MINUTES!!!!  It is a workout and I am sweating like a mad woman, and I am loving it!!!

Tonight I am going to try out Just Dance Disney!  I will let you know if it is as rigorous.

Maybe this is the key to get me moving. Make it fun!  I did walk on the treadmill on Monday as well - 40 minutes, and it felt like torture.  But 45 minutes of JD4 flew by so fast and I had a blast doing it.  

In all of my prior weight loss attempts I have failed to make exercise a key part of my plan, but this time I am trying to do that right from the get go.  It is hard - it really is.  Trying to find the time, making it a priority - it taxes me.  But I am trying.  I am also trying not to worry about being perfect - i.e. "I only averaged 2.5 mph on the treadmill today, that should be above 3 at least - I have to remind myself that I am out of shape and carrying SO MUCH extra weight.  Any exercise is good, and I need to stop worrying about how far, how fast, etc.  I am just trying to give myself credit for doing it.

Food has been going well.  I am using Sparkpeople to track  again - which I really like.  I don't think my meals are creative or inspired, but again - I can't worry about perfection here...I just need to worry about moving forward   This week the meals have been Quick Paella (OK, that was a little inspired - and it was good), Tacos, and Fish & Chips. Clearly nothing mind blowing, but they are home cooked meals and every calorie is accounted for.  Last night I even whipped out the kitchen scale  - an absolute must because I have no ability to eyeball measurements/weights/etc.  

My water consumption is fantastic - man, get that crappy soda out of my way and I can't stop guzzling water!  I am hitting 10 - 12 cups of water every day - sometimes more.  My body is definitely happy that the soda is out and the water is in.

I'm feeling good, on day 4.  I am praying I will be able to say the same on day 364!!

SOMETHING FELT DIFFERENT

Yesterday I woke up and something felt different.  Some little glimmer of motivation was there that hasn't been there for quite a while. I felt like I wanted to try.  I felt like it was possible to have the healthy body and lifestyle that I truly want.

So....I decided to go with it.

Rather than have Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast, I opted for a Weight Loss shake and a banana.  I walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes.  I tracked all my food for the day.  I engaged in fun, active activities with my kids - JUST DANCE 4 - KILLER WORK OUT!  You BET I logged JD4 time as part of my workout!!!

Was it a perfect day, no.  It wasn't.  I don't expect I will have too many of those.  BUT, it was a good day. AND for the first time in a very long time I felt good.  I felt like I accomplished something.  I felt like I might actually get there.  I saw myself on a cruise -  lean and healthy and able to participate in a whole different way.  I saw myself running on the treadmill and really pushing my body.  It was weird.  These thoughts were just popping into my head, and I knew I could do it.

As always, I know there will be a day that this glimmer, this hope and motivation, will fade and I will NOT feel like pushing forward.  I still have to figure out what to do when that moment hits - because it has definitely derailed me many, many, many times.  BUT, I am not going to let that get me down - I refuse to focus on past failures right now.  Today I am going to let the glimmer take over and push me forward - and I am going to celebrate what is going right!  And here is a list of what really IS going right...

• In January, I gave up Coke and all soda - again.  It was hard, and I once again realized that soda is my Kryptonite.  I CANNOT drink soda.  It does me in...and Coke, well forget about it.  I am an addict and once I start drinking that stuff all my bad habits creep back in.   I have to face the fact that for me there will be no moderation where drinking soda and especially Coke  is concerned.  I just have to bid it farewell - FOREVER. I am 3 weeks into forever!! 
• January 27, 2013 - I tracked what I ate.  I worked out - 50 minutes!! (yes, that includes my crazy Just Dance 4).  I made a delicious dinner that I was proud of (Quick Paella - damn, those shrimp were so good - and I don't even like shrimp).  
• My house is mostly clean.  My family is pulling together to keep it that way. I feel so happy when I walk in I don't even know what to do with myself!
• We are having more and more family activity time...and I love it.  There is such a noticeable difference in how we behave and act with each other when we just take the time to play and have fun with each other.

I am focusing on the positive, and trying my best to banish the negative. 

It feels good.

STARTING AGAIN

It feels pretty crappy to come to this blog and write the words "starting again".  And all I can think is "how many more years will I come here, to this little old blog of mine, in January and write these same words...HOW MANY MORE TIMES?".

Did you know that I want to have another baby?  Did you know that I can't because I am fat and I can't realistically do it at this weight.  I am 38 years old.  My years of having another baby are coming quickly to a close.  But, here I am...all wanting to have another baby and such, but not being able to...because I am fat.  My best friend just found out that she is pregnant...but me, probably won't ever happen again...and that is sad.  Something BIG that I have lost to being fat.  Something BIG that my whole family has lost to my obesity.

There are so many things that I have recently started to realize are affected by my weight, but honestly, I don't want to record them all here today.  I just don't.

What I want to say is that I am starting again.  And that I feel scared that I will never be able to do this -  that it just isn't in me to be able to do what needs to be done.

I want to put myself in a bubble.  Cut myself off from everyone and everything.  Go to work, come home and be with my family and focus on this weight loss thing. Maybe I really need to do that for a while - I don't know.  I need to remove distractions.  Remove uncomfortable situations for the time being.  Allow myself to get traction.

I want to be thin.

And healthy.

I want to shop for clothes in ANY DAMN STORE I CHOOSE!

I want to sleep in a hotel room and not wake up with every inch of my body aching because the bed isn't really great for obese me.

I want to go to a basketball game.  A wrestling event.  ANY EVENT in a stadium OR an arena and sit in the seat and fit!  I don't want to even have to think twice about whether or not I will fit!

I want to go to a theater and see a play, a musical, a concert...any damn thing I want... and fit in the seat without walking out with bruises all over my belly, hips and thighs.

I want to be able to get on an airplane without even a second thought about whether or not I will need a seat belt extender, whether my arm rest will go down, whether or not I will encroach on the person next to me.  I want to soar into the friendly skies and just enjoy the experience!

I want to go on a vacation and not worry about packing EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING REQUIRED, because I can actually go shopping and find things that will fit.  Hell, I want to buy something that doesn't require me to go to the internet to make the damn purchase!

I want to walk a mile in less than 15 minutes...hell, less than 25 would be nice right now.

I want to feel like I am the woman I deserve to be.

I want to feel like I am the wife my husband deserves to have.

I want to feel like I am the Mom my kids deserve to have.

I want to do this.  I really do.

But, talk is cheap.  I should know.  I have been talking about this for years!!!  But, here I sit, on January 22, 2013 weighing in at somewhere around 425 lbs. So, yeah, talk is cheap.  And know this...I hate that BS that skinny people spout "if you really wanted this, you would do it"...Look, I really want it....I really, really do! But sometimes making the hard choice is harder than you think!  Sometimes it feels impossible.

Last year around this time I wrote that I needed to take things one day at a time.  Needed to focus only on the day.  Not worry about tomorrow, or 3 months from now, or 1 year from now.  I need to take my own advice - it was sage advice.

So, that is what I am going to do.  Start Again.  Take it one day at a time.

Track
Exercise
Stop eating fast food
Stop drinking soda

..and hope...because I have to.

FAIR WEATHER SUPPORTERS

Today I feel like I need to address something that has really been bugging me.

I recently read a post on a fellow bloggers weight loss blog, that I feel fairly certain was in reference to me and my journey (and even if it isn't - it might have well been):  The fact that I constantly fall of the wagon.  The fact that I gain steam, and then fail.

She wrote in her blog that she wanted to say "WTF - stop acting like an undisciplined child" -  but she just couldn't "bring herself to" and instead just chose to stop following my blog. Because, well - she didn't like the negativity.  It was "bad energy for her" .

NEGATIVITY! BAD ENERGY! - HONEY, THIS IS REALITY!  This is the reality that millions of people around the world face every single day.  This is the struggle.  This is the crushing, overwhelming journey - SORRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

Here's the thing, if you are looking for a blog that paints weight loss - or more than that - food addiction and fighting obesity - in a positive, Mary Sunshine light - YOU HAVE COME TO THE WRONG BLOG.  Feel free to stop following now.  Please - stop following - I don't need you reading this blog.  I can't inspire you - not even a little.  You want to read about people who already fought the good fight, not about someone wanting, desperately, to fight it!

This blog is about the REAL LIFE battle that an obese person, ME, CONNIE - A REAL EFFING PERSON,  faces when trying to deal with this problem.  Much like a drug addict or an alcoholic trying to get clean, this is a bloody, gruesome war!  And one that like MILLIONS of others out there are fighting, and failing - one that I am failing at right now.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY THAT I'M FAILING - I'M NOT AFRAID TO POST THE STRUGGLE.  AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT - GET OFF MY BLOG.

Seriously - why do you think that in America obesity and overweight in adults is an epidemic??   Because its easy to beat?? Because we never fall down??

NO.  IT'S BECAUSE THIS IS EFFING HARD!

And many, MANY strong people will fail.  I might even  be one of them - but at least I'm willing to say that, and put myself out there - and document said failures in hopes that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE someone else can relate, and feel that they are normal when they fall - that they can understand - and provide support - and not just when it's convenient and positive!!!

Look, I hope I don't fail at this, but who knows!  The odds are certainly against me and EVERY OTHER FAT PERSON IN AMERICA WHO WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

So, look, if you want to read a blog about someone who ALREADY  made it to the end of their journey, then see your way off this blog.  BUT, if you want to read about someone who is fighting to try to get there, even though there will be failures - and a lot of them - if you want to lend your support, hear it like it is, truly understand the battle that an obese person goes through to try to beat their ADDICTION - then, this is the blog for you.

To the fair weather supporter who abandoned me - good riddance.  I don't need your brand of support.

To those of you who are hanging in there with me, even though you wonder how many more times you are going to read about me falling down, eating McDonald's or just plain giving up - THANK YOU!  It means more to me than I can say - I hope I don't disappoint you forever - I don't think I will!  Regardless, your support is important to me and I appreciate it - it makes a difference, it really does!

OH, and by the way, to my faithful supporters - I give you full permission to say:

CONNIE, WHAT THE HELL!

A little tough love never hurt a soul!

FAKING IT

Rough patch - 4 weeks in and I am going through yet another rough patch.

Today, as I was thinking about WHY exactly I am struggling again, I realized - plain and simple - that I am choosing to struggle.   I have a choice in this - of course I do - and right now I am choosing to make bad decisions - and I am choosing failure.

So, WHY - WHY am I making bad decisions just 4 weeks into my latest "push" toward the 400 lbs. milestone?

I SWEAR I have some sub-conscious fear of getting below 400 lbs. What that fear is, I don't know.  But consistently, when I get within 5 lbs. of 400: a short 1 - 2 weeks before I bid adieu to that number, I choke.  Like sputtering, gasping for life CHOKE!

And interestingly, this isn't the first time I have gone through this...

When I was 30 I joined Jenny Craig.  I had just given birth to my second daughter a few months earlier.  I gained quite a bit of weight with her - I was weighing in at 350 lbs (what I wouldn't give right now to see that number) - and I was determined to get it off.

I joined Jenny Craig with my husband, and off we went.  We did fantastic. We were PEELING the weight off.  We started the program in August and by November we had both lost around 45 lbs.  I was at 304 lbs.  I remember that vividly - people, you should see pictures of me from that time - seriously, I looked fantastic.  ANYWAY - I digress - I was MOMENTS from breaking the 300 lbs. mark, which of course was a BIG deal for me.  I was SO looking forward to it.

Well, that Thanksgiving we went away for the holiday to spend it with family.  And seriously, can you imagine a holiday /slash/ vacation that wouldn't be filled with food, food and more food.  Chris and I decided that we were going to roll with it - I mean, look how far we had come, certainly we wouldn't be knocked off our diet by a few days of debauchery...OH HOW WRONG WE WERE...never did we imagine we would encounter our arch nemesis of food...

PUMPKIN PIE

Pumpkin pie is apparently a  MAJOR weakness of ours, and we consumed it that Thanksgiving like no other.  We were gluttons, eating pie at all hours of the day - pie for breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner, 2nd dinner, etc - you get the point - we ate A LOT of pumpkin pie.  Add to that Thanksgiving dinner, leftovers, etc...well, it was a grim picture.

When we got home and stepped on the scale we were both up 10 lbs....and we were discouraged...but, it was the holiday season and neither of us wanted to try tackling the problem until the holidays were over (seriously, there is ALWAYS a convenient excuse to wait).  Well, when the holidays were over and I reported back to Jenny Craig, I was at 317 lbs.  I had been within 5 lbs. of breaking the 300 lbs. mark, and I crumbled.

Flash forward a few years - and one hundred lbs. later,  and here I am, within moments of breaking a major milestone number, and I crumble EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I get close to it.

Saturday was my weigh in - and I knew it was going to be bad.  I mean, I had abandoned the whole program and was just eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted - and I knew it was going to show.  And show it did...to the tune of 11 lbs.  I weighed in at:

416 lbs.

An 11 lbs. gain in one freaking week

I was disturbed.  Disturbed for so many reasons:

1) I couldn't believe how quickly I can pack on the pounds - seriously, why can't I take it off as easily as I pack it on??

2) I couldn't understand how just 1 week before I had stepped on the scale and saw my goal within reach and then choked.  CHOKED.

3)  After weighing in, I thought the following:

"I am never going to let myself lose this weight.  I am going to get in my own way every single time I get close".

 And THAT discouraged me more than anything has, ever, on my weight loss journey.

So, what is the deal?? Am I afraid of success on the weight loss front?  Do I really, somehow believe that I can go off track and pull myself back on, even though I have countless examples of how difficult and self destructive that is for me?? Why do I keep doing this to myself?

As usual, I have no answer.

And on Saturday after weigh in, I didn't either.  BUT, I thought - DAMMIT, I can do something about this...so I changed my clothes, dragged my family to the rec center and I worked out.  I walked a 5K on the treadmill - and it felt GOOD.  When I finished I thought:

"WHY AM I NOT CHOOSING THIS?? WHY?  I feel great, I feel powerful, I feel FANTASTIC".  WHY, CONNIE, WHY?!!!

I don't know.  I just don't know.

Poor nutrition, failing to exercise - these things make me feel TERRIBLE.  So, why do I choose them?

Clearly, I need to figure that out.  I really do.  I feel like the answer to this question is a key that I need to unlock this door and step through to the other side.

So, in the meantime, while I am searching for this answer, what do I do?  Do I toss everything aside and wait until I know what the issue is?  Well, that answer doesn't feel right, now does it?!  I mean, I may not know why I continue to choose failure on this journey, but I CERTAINLY know that going backwards isn't the answer.  SO, what to do???

I decided to follow the advice of Holly from 300 lbs. Down and FAKE IT 'TIL I MAKE IT.

FAKE IT 'TIL I MAKE IT!!!!

Sometime we just have to fake it.  We have to pretend that the thing we don't want to do or don't feel like doing is ACTUALLY the thing we want to do most!  And then, THEN, we have to do it, regardless of whether we want to or not.  We have to force ourselves to do it!

I can give in to my current lack of desire to choose the right path.  I can lose ground, gain weight and put myself back to square one...OR I can FORCE myself to move forward - even though NOTHING in me feels like doing it.

And so I choose to FORCE myself forward. I choose to fake it for the time being - and pray for all I'm worth that the desire and the motivation to meet this challenge squarely will return.

I really hope that my desire returns - my motivation - the pure knowledge that I am MEANT to rise to the occasion and meet this challenge head on.  I have faith it will - but I have to face that it may be unpleasant until then.

I also hope I can figure out why I can't seem to let myself be successful on this journey.  Again, I think the answer to that is crucial if I want to see long term success.

But, for now - FOR NOW, I'm faking it.  Heaven help me, I'm faking it!

10 MORE FACTOIDS ABOUT LITTLE OLE ME

A while back I started to post a 25 THINGS ABOUT ME YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW series...and then never finished it.

BOO ME!

I like those kinds of posts, so today I am going to add the next 10.  Just in case you forgot, or heaven forbid - did not read my first post, go back and check out the first 10 I posted.  Here are the next TEN THINGS YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ME, AND MAY EVEN REGRET ONCE YOU DO!!!!

1. I have a completely irrational fear (I think I start a lot of these little nuggets of truth about me that way!!! I definitely need to get my butt into a therapist) of...wait for it...MANATEES!  I hate them.  Gentle cow of the sea MY A**!  The other day somebody on Facebook posted an aerial picture of a woman swimming among a herd of manatee - it was horrific.  I had to close it out because it was just too much to look at!
2. I am a Human Resources professional by trade.  BOY, the stories I could tell you.  Sometimes adults don't know how to be ADULT at all.  Although there are parts of being in HR I despise, there is a lot to love - and I remind myself of that every. single. day!
3. I met my husband while serving a Mormon mission in San Sebastian, Spain.  Yes, he too was a missionary.  I often tell my children that I met Daddy on a cold winter night in the North of Spain - I stepped off the train onto the platform and saw him emerge through the steam - tall, and handsome...and you know what, THAT IS TRUE!  I didn't know I would marry him immediately - in fact, at first I thought "boy, this guy is going to be a problem".  But 1 month later I JUST KNEW.  When my parents came to Spain to pick me up at the end of my time there, I told them "Hey, see that missionary - I am going to marry him".  And so I did - 3 years and 11 months later!  
4. I lived in Boston, MA for just about a year.  Why you ask?  Just because. I wanted to try something different and I had a GREAT friend who was living there and encouraged me to take the leap.  Salt Lake will always be my home -  and I was so happy to return, but I will always have a fondness in my heart for Bean Town!
5. My father died of pancreatic cancer on my 27th birthday - 4 months after I married my husband and when I was 9 weeks pregnant with my daughter.  It is the single most life changing thing I have been through. Not even becoming a wife or a mother has changed me as much as watching my father die, and dealing with the subsequent impact his death has had on my family.  I have missed my Dad every single day of my life since he passed away - and I am grateful for the knowledge that we will be reunited one day.
6. My favorite color is Black.  If you have to ask why - you need look no further than the title of this blog.  Black is the most forgiving color to a large and in charge lady like myself.  
7. I grew up on a farm and spent most of my summers working on it with my little sister and my Dad.  I moved irrigation pipe, helped shear sheep, rolled hay bales, and just about anything else my Dad needed help with.  At the time I hated every minute of it - now I am so grateful that I had that opportunity.  It taught me the value of hard work, and of course left me with many fond memories of my Dad.
8. While living in Spain I became very fluent in Castillian Spanish.  In fact, I had a roommate who spoke nothing but Spanish and after living with her for 2 months, I thought, dreamed and lived in Spanish.  In fact, at one point I tried to read a sign that was posted on a statue by my apartment.  For the life of me I could not figure out what it said - I felt very sheepish when I realized that the sign was in English.   I just didn't think in English any more!  Now a days I no longer consider myself fluent - but give me 2 weeks immersed in a Spanish speaking country and I will be back on my game!
9.  I hate to cook.  DESPISE IT.  My dream is to hire a personal chef so I never have to set foot in the kitchen again!  
10. I am proud to belong to the Mormon faith.  There are many, many reasons why - I could never list them all here...but I will shout out just a few: I love its focus on family as an eternal unit, and the supreme importance of family in this life, and the life to come. It provides me with the knowledge that I have a loving Heavenly Father AND a loving Heavenly Mother who know me by name and who want me to have all that they do - just like ANY loving parents here would want for their children!  It has taught  me where we came from, why we are here, what our purpose is, and where we are going when we leave this life...and that knowledge has brought me more comfort than I can say during some of the most difficult times in my life. NO, I don't drink coffee or tea, don't drink alcohol and don't believe in pre-marital sex - and I'm dang proud of it.  And, yes, I wear garments and cannot for the life of me understand the fascination with them - MANY religions have sacred clothing they wear  - we are no different. There is a lot of misinformation and a lot of misconceptions out there about the LDS faith - and in some cases a whole lot of hostility towards the church - and that just makes me plain sad.  There are so many wonderful things about this church! Sure, there are some bad apples in the church - but there are bad apples in every organization under the sun!!! You don't throw the whole bushel out because of a few bad apples!!  One HUGE pet peeve of mine is when people want to learn about the Mormon church and  go to anti-Mormon sources or ex-mormons to get the "scoop". If you want to know the scoop, ask a practicing Mormon!  ANYWAY, I am a proud member of my church and just thought you should know!!!

So, there are 10 more things you never wanted to know about me!  5 more to go!

Weight loss journey update coming soon!