BROKEN

This morning I feel broken.

It is such a stark contrast to last night, when I felt on top of the world.  But today, I just feel broken.

This morning was weigh in.  It did not go well.  After a week of strict tracking, completely staying within my allotted points AND adding activity, I weighed in at:

420.2

That is a gain of .4 pounds.

I don't even have words to express how disappointed I feel.  I am just sick to my stomach and completely discouraged.

I feel broken.

$129.99

Apparently $129.99 is the going rate for a pain free workout...WORTH. EVERY. PENNY!

Last night, at the recommendation of a great friend, I went to the New Balance store to get properly fitted for a new running shoe.  

Let me tell you, I was like a PTSD sufferer while trying on shoes.  I was terrified they were going to cause me the kind of pain that I had on Wednesday when I was walking.  I cringed with every step I took, waiting for the pain to start...but it never did.  So, I wrapped up New Balance 1140's, paid my $129.99 and headed home.

Today I took the 1140's out for an inaugural walk during my lunch break.  Again, I was pretty tenuous when I started out, worried the pain would come, but boy, these shoes are like MAGIC.  My left foot still felt a bit sore while I was walking, but I suppose that is to be expected after the beating it took on Wednesday.  I ended up walking .66 miles and got a nice little workout that energized me for the rest of my work day.  It felt great.


Thanks Cindy for joining me on my "inaugural" walk  

When I got home from work I was actually excited to take the 1140's out for another walk!  While the Hubs cooked dinner (yes, ladies, I am blessed) I headed out.

It was AMAZING!  There is no other way to say it.

I literally had the best walk I have had in 2 years!!  I achieved a new record pace for myself, walked further than I have walked all week and overall just felt FANTASTIC!

THANK YOU RED HEADED GUY AT THE NEW BALANCE STORE IN MIDVALE, UT.  

YOU ARE A LIFE SAVER!

I know you are all just DYING to see a picture of the 1140's...brace yourselves, they are POWERFUL!  All $129.99 of them!  Here they are...

See, I warned you...POWERFUL!!!

The BEST part of the night...when I got home the Hubs had dinner ready to go.  It was delicious...Taco Salads with fresh baked tortilla strips.  The tortilla strips were the perfect addition, and so low in calories!! GREAT IDEA!  I had to take a picture of the final product in all it's perfection...again, prepare for the power!

It has been a great day!  I am feeling so good it isn't even funny!

Tomorrow is weigh in (just typing that caused a knot in my stomach). 

Stay tuned!!!!

NO PAIN NO GAIN

Even though I had a miserable workout experience last night, I decided to go again tonight.  This time I made a few adjustments:

1) I wore a long sleeved shirt
2) I gave myself permission NOT to run AT ALL tonight
3) I wore different shoes (this turned out to be a mistake)
4) I allowed myself to stop a couple of times - I kept moving (kind of marched in place), but it gave me just enough of a break that I was able to push forward

The first two-thirds of my walk went VERY well.  I felt really good.  I had great music playing and was feeling good.

BUT THEN IT HIT.

Absolute pain.  My feet were burning - absolute, searing pain.  Every step was more painful.  At one point I was ready to call the Hubs to come and pick me up.  But DAMN if I was going to let it get the better of me.  I slowed down and pressed on.  The last 12 minutes of my walk were absolute hell, but I made it.

AND...

Tonight I feel so much better (as long as I ignore the burning pain in my feet).  I am not coughing, I am not hacking...my lungs are not burning...I feel like I could do it again, as long as I get shoes that do not hobble me.

Here are my results from tonight:

I was slower, but I went further AND I didn't feel like I was going to die (except for the feet).

So, before I go walking again I will definitely need to buy new shoes.  I am going to burn my current shoes - and I'm going to enjoy doing it!

On another note, I had some GREAT music keeping me going tonight:

Fighter - Ms. Aguilera
Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners
Lose Yourself - Eminem (This song just absolutely pushes me on)
Sexyback - Mr. Timberlake (I was dance walking to this song - yes, there were jazz hands involved)

I find that great music, that speaks to my soul (does that sound too dramatic?? Oh well!) makes ALL the difference.

So, what are YOUR favorite "Sweatin' Songs"??  (I need to beef up my playlist).

BREATHLESS

Breathless.

That is how I felt tonight when I FINALLY added activity into my program. Tonight I decided it was time to start getting activity, so I went for a walk.   As much as I want to say it felt great, it didn't.  It didn't feel good at all.  In fact, it felt fairly bad.  It has been a half hour since I got home and I am still coughing and my lungs are burning.

Even though I am glad that I got out and did it, I feel disappointed.  Disappointed that I wasn't able to do more than I did.  And disappointed that I feel this horrible after getting out and doing something that is supposed to be good for my body.  It doesn't feel good for me.  It feels horrible.

I know that I am totally out of shape, but just a month ago I had gone out on several walks and even though they were hell, they didn't feel this horrible.  I think some things may have been working against me, you know, besides being so out of shape it isn't funny.  Here's what I think:

1)  I had a goal to run 1/10th of a mile and then walk until I reached the 30 minute mark.  Sadly, I was only able to run 1/20th of a mile - tragic and sad, but that is all I could do.  I was breathing so hard - I struggled to get back to a place where I could breath comfortably.  This is how I started out my walk, so I think it made the rest of the walk harder because I had lost my breath so early on.

2) I went out after dark.  I will admit that I did this on purpose.  I feel VERY self conscious about running in public and I wanted it to be dark outside when I gave it the old college try.  The problem with this is that the temperature was a crisp 41 and a very cool wind was blowing. So as I panted and gasped for breath, I took in a lot of pretty cold, icy air.

3) I have had a cold - a mild cold - but apparently the mix of the workout and the cold, icy air didn't do me any favors.  Did I forget to mention that when I went out I didn't wear a jacket...yeah, that may have been a mistake too.

4) The shoes I had on were terrible.  I don't like my normal walking shoes, so I wore another pair that I haven't worn in a while.  They were not just terrible, they were HIDEOUS!  I have blisters on my feet and my toes hurt from sliding into the tip of the shoe.  

It was a perfect storm, resulting in a terrible workout that has left me feeling a bit discouraged.  Not defeated...no, I won't be defeated...but I do feel discouraged.

Believe it or not, there were a couple of high points that I think are worth noting.

I used a free program called RunKeeper to track my run.  It is AWESOME.  It tracks your pace, your distance covered, the route you take and the amount of time you have been working out.  The BEST part is that it makes announcements every 5 minutes (this was a surprise to me - a very pleasant surprise) to let you know how far you have gone and your average pace.  I have used it before and I always really liked it, but now that it talks to me....well, I am in deep, meaningful love with it.  The chart above is one of the perks of the app.

I discovered that my new phone KICKS A**, as do my new beats headphones, and the Google Cloud is a gift sent from heaven.

Finally, despite feeling breathless, sore, discouraged and SO out of shape...I am so glad I got up off my booty and took another step, literally, in making what I hope are lifelong changes. 

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On a related note, my mother in law gave me this FANTASTIC recipe for making baked Buffalo Chicken Tenders that are point friendly on Weight Watchers.  Friends, these things were DELICIOUS.  I did not feel like I was missing out on ANYTHING!  This week I also made a Fajita Burrito Bowl - I got the idea from Chipotle.  Let me tell you, it was FANTASTIC! 

I am so pleased with some of the creative food we are putting together! It feels great to be eating things that taste great AND are good for me!  I guess you can have your cake and eat it too (as long as it is made with pumpkin puree instead of eggs and oil)!  

TORTURE

Thanks to the President's Day holiday, this last weekend was a "long" one for me and my family.  I had looked forward to the extra day off for weeks, and by the time Friday came, I was so ready for it to start.  I had planned to do a lot or relaxing, get caught up on some of my "TO DO" list (and gently encourage the Hubs to do the same).

On Saturday relaxing translated into sitting on my couch and watching TV - Food Network to be exact.

I love Food Network - I mean LOVE it!  Chopped - Yes Please!  Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives - Adore! Cupcake Wars - How I Love You!

I ate my traditional breakfast (regular oatmeal cooked in milk with a tablespoon of peanut butter and a tablespoon of honey - thank you runsforcookies for introducing me to the joy of oatmeal for breakfast), a little later than normal - because, well, it was a long weekend and I was ABSOLUTELY sleeping in.  ANYWAY, about noon I started to get REALLY hungry.  I was surprised because I ate at 10:00 and shouldn't be feeling hungry until 1:30ish.  Nonetheless it was non and I was dying to eat.

I went ahead and ate because, well, I'm trying to listen to body cues.  I had a great lunch - very filling sandwich, fruit, some Pop Chips (I could write a whole post about how much I love Pop Chips).  I was FULL and I was SATISFIED.  So, when two hours later I was in the same boat - feeling like I wanted to eat - dying to eat - I was beyond surprised - I would go so far as to say shocked.

Then it hit me.

I wasn't hungry at all.  I had spent the morning watching Food Network and I was CRAVING all of the food that they were flashing across the screen: cheese skirted hamburgers, fresh made dumplings, gourmet pizza. I might as well have been an alcoholic sitting in a bar having drink after drink waved under my nose - tempting me - torturing me to partake.

I want to say I did the right thing and turned the TV off to allow my overloaded senses to relax.

I didn't.

I continued to torture myself for another few hours before finally saying ENOUGH and turning the channel.

Saturday was the hardest day for me since the first few days of this diet (I don't like that word - but let's face it...I'm on a diet!).  I ended up weathering the self induced storm, but only barely.

What did I learn?  Well, watching Food Network for hours at a time is hazardous to my health (literally) AND changing my bad habits is hard enough without placing myself in temptations path - and that is a reality I have to face, accept and plan for.

That is what making permanent change is all about.

HERE I AM!

I thought it was time to post a photo of myself - to begin the visual documentation of this journey.

I wish I had a photo of myself at 430 lbs, but alas, I do not. 

So, here I am at 419.8 lbs.

(10.2 lbs. lost)

YES!

Last night before going to bed I had butterflies in my stomach - the eve of weigh in.

Weigh in eve is an ominous night in this household.  We teeter on the precipice of joy or sorrow - the entire mood of the weekend is determined by the three numbers that pop up on that scale (maybe I need to re-read my 'Power' post!!).

I was a nervous wreck thinking about it, hoping for the best, but dreading the worst.  I struggled to fall asleep and when I finally did I ended up dreaming about weigh in.  I dreamed I was trying desperately to weigh in, but no matter how hard I tried, I kept falling off the scale.  I moved the scale all over, trying to find a place where I could weigh in, but not matter where I tried I couldn't hold my balance and I would fall off.  Finally, I was able to prop myself up and hold myself steady enough to weigh in...the scale said 432 lbs.  I was distraught...and when I woke up I actually had tears running down my face.

Yes, I realize I seem to have serious psychological problems for which I need to seek help.

When I woke up with tears running down my face I thought two things 1) I am very strange and need help and 2) I better get this weigh in over.  So weigh in I did, and.......

419.8

A loss of 4.4 lbs. this week, a total of 10.2 lbs. lost.  

I was thrilled!

The mountain is a moving!