HOW SWEET IT IS!

Today we are leaving on a weekend trip to visit the Hubs parents.   My girls are beyond excited to visit Grandma and Grandpa, and I am definitely looking forward to the time away.

HOWEVER, I have been freaking out about weighing in tomorrow after traveling in a car for 5 hours.  You see, I am a retainer...a water retainer that is.  My body LOVES to hold on to extra water and it does so in a myriad of situations:  stress, hormones, TRAVEL.  Yes, travel makes me retain water AND I was very unhappy that my weigh in was going to have to happen after a travel day.

I had resigned myself to it, however.  I told the Hubs that I was going to pack the scale and take it with us.  

I got the eye roll.

I got the REALLY exaggerated, eyes so far up in his head that I wondered if they were ever coming back out eye roll.

Apparently the Hubs thinks that bringing my scale along on a trip is a little over the top.  MEN!

He suggested that I weigh in today...which I just thought was outrageous because.  I mean, COME ON, my body needs that extra day to maximize its weight loss!  I want to give it EVERY opportunity to shed every last fraction of a pound that it can.  AND, in light of the 2 pound gain from last week, and the stumble on Sunday, I felt like I needed every extra minute possible before getting on that scale.

Here is the thing...I FEEL like I have lost weight this week.  When I look in the mirror, my face LOOKS thinner to me (I always lose weight out of my face first, and this week I have really started to notice it).  My body doesn't FEEL as heavy (that may sound strange, and it is hard to explain).  

I decided to trust the cues my body was giving me and go ahead and weigh in today.  

As I went to step on the scale I was seriously praying....please, please, please....I just want to see 406.xx come up.  That's all I am looking for.  That will take the 2 pounds I gained off AND put me just a little bit down from my weigh in 2 weeks ago.  PLEASE!!!

406....406.....406....

I kept saying it over and over again, like somehow my mind could actually manipulate the scale if I really focused hard enough.

When I stepped on, as usual, I braced myself....

403.2!!!

OH HELL YEAH!!

6.2 lbs. lost this week!

4.2 lbs. lost from my low of 407.4 2 weeks ago!

26.8 TOTAL LBS. LOST!

I am so happy right...SO HAPPY...Words cannot express how great I feel!

You guys, I am so close to breaking the 400 lbs. barrier (YES, barrier - believe me, weighing over 400 lbs is a HUGE mental and emotional barrier...far more so than the physical barriers it presents).  

I am almost there!  

I am within reach of the first MAJOR milestone in my weight loss journey!!

TARGET ACQUIRED - AIM, FIRE!!!

I am coming for you 399.xx!! I am coming for you with a vengeance!!!!

HOW SWEET IT IS!!!

___________________________________________________________________________________

I am in tears after watching this video....What an inspiration! 

  

THE SURGICAL ROUTE

Sunday did not go well.  It did not go well at all.  The spiral continued.  My attitude was terrible...and my eating followed suit.  By the end of the night I was in full "give up" mode.  I was just ready to throw in the towel and admit that 1) I was going to spend the rest of my life fat  or 2) I was going to admit that I cannot lose this much weight without surgical intervention.

On my way in to work on Monday all I could think about was looking up lap band and gastric bypass information so that I could get the ball rolling.

Thankfully by the time I arrived at the office, I had already gotten my thinking back on track.

Please don't get me wrong.  I have no issues with people who make the choice to lose weight using bariatric surgery.  I can fully appreciate that each person has to make a choice that is right for them.  For me, it is just not the path I want to take.

First off, the Hubs is incredibly opposed to it.

Secondly, my mother had bariatric surgery many years ago - and let me tell you, it was not healthy for her.  Although she lost weight, she has battled poor nutrition every day since and it has taken a real toll on her body.

Finally, the mortality rates (for gastric bypass specifically) are far too high for my comfort.

Bottom line, I don't want to go that route.  I want to do this without the help of drugs or surgery (I swear, I sound like a woman making a birthing plan!).

So, I was glad when I came down from the ledge I was clearly standing on (ready to jump at any moment) and started to feel rational and logical again.

I think when I started this journey I had really convinced myself that I would not have any slips or falls or jumps off the wagon.  Although today I can look back and see that was an unrealistic expectation, at the time I just felt so ready for change that I could not imagine going backwards.

But there I was.  Two weeks of basically going backwards...

AND I am still struggling to get back on track. While I have my eating under control again, I have not gotten back on the work out wagon.  I am actually starting to miss it!  BUT, when I get home from work right now, I am just wiped out and have absolutely no motivation to drag my very ample rear to the rec center.

A few things I have noticed:

• Eating out is like a death sentence for my diet.  I know that many, many people are able to eat out and do well on a diet, but I am not one of them.  Once I start eating out it becomes something that I allow myself to do more and more often.  It also takes my focus off what I am trying to accomplish.  When I have to cook at home, or prepare lunch, I am so focused on being creative and putting together satisfying meals that meet my nutritional needs.  Once I start to eat out I no longer focus on those things and before I know it, I am spiraling back into really bad behaviors.
• Drinking carbonated beverages of any kind kills me.  Even diet drinks.  For whatever reason when I drink soda it makes me crave food that is not good for me.  I don't know if it is just a mental association, or what, but it is something that derails me.
• Working out regularly helps keep me focused.  It keeps my "eye on the prize". Seriously, after I have spent an hour burning off calories, I am in no way inclined to put them back in my body!  NOT INCLINED AT ALL.  I have got to make it a top priority. 

It seems so simple really....

Don't eat out, you will have better weight loss!  YOU KNOW THIS CONNIE...REALLY, YOU KNOW THIS!

Don't drink carbonated beverages, they give you cravings!  HELLO, MCFLY!  WHY ARE YOU SABOTAGING YOURSELF?  DIET DRINKS TASTE LIKE A** ANYWAY!  YOU CRINGE EVERY TIME DRINK ONE!

Get your workouts in, they keep you focused on your goals!  CONNIE, WHY ARE YOU FORSAKING 

WHY WHY WHY isn't it as simple as it seems?  WHY???

Let me tell you, I really want to make this happen.  I really do!  AND I want to be able to do it without the aid of medications or surgery...it just feels like something I need to do on my own.  Will there come a day when I change my mind? Maybe.  I won't rule it out.  BUT, I feel like I have to give my absolute best effort before it comes to that.

I haven't given this my absolute best yet.  I know I have more in me than this.

So, for now, I'm saying no to the surgical route.

___________________________________________________________________________________

I needed to see this tonight...a reminder that the world may choose to judge us on the outside, but we are SO much more!  Jonathan, you are my hero!

READY FOR SUMMER CHALLENGE - GOALS

I have decided to join the Ready For Summer Challenge...and I am excited about it.

The challenge starts today and runs through June 3, 2012.  As part of the challenge each participant sets goals that they want to achieve during the 10 week challenge.  There are four goal categories:

• weight loss goal
• non-scale goal
• exercise goal
• nutrition goal

In addition, each week there is a mini-challenge to keep participants motivated. 

Honestly, this challenge couldn't have come at a better time.  The last two weeks have been less than stellar for me, and I am struggling to get my focus back. I really think that this will help me get back on track.

Here are the goals I have set for myself to accomplish over the next 10 weeks:

WEIGHT LOSS GOALS:

1. Lose weight every week of the challenge, even if it is only a fraction of a pound.  The scale needs to go down each week, not up.
2. Lose 30 lbs over the 10 week challenge.  YES, that is a stretch goal...and YES, it is more than 2 lbs. a week.  Healthy weight loss recommendations are typically set at 1 - 2 lbs. a week because for most people that represents a loss of about 1% of body weight.  I don't weigh in the 100's or 200's....or even the 300's for that matter, so I think that a goal of approximately 3 lbs. each week is totally doable.  Call me crazy, but I am going for it.
3. Kiss the 400's good bye FOREVER...and ever...and ever!!! And weep with joy when it happens! 

NON SCALE GOALS:

 I am not really sure what goal I should set for myself in this category - so, for the time being, this will be left open.  I am not very good at focusing on anything but weight loss right now (which probably means I should REALLY try to come up with a goal here), but I just can't think of anything that would motivate me.

EXERCISE GOALS:

1. Workout at least 30 minutes each day for 5 days out of the week.
2. During lunch at work, walk once around the building every single work day.
3. Walk a 5K race.  I don't care about the time, I just want to do it!  I did it in April 2010 and it hurt my feet so bad I wanted to die.  Now that I have the 1140's I think this is the PERFECT time to try another 5K.

NUTRITION GOALS:

1. Stay within my adjusted Weight Watchers points every single day of the challenge.
2. Drink 100 oz. of water each day.
3. No  more than four eat out meals during the entire challenge.

I feel really good about these goals! 

For the next 10 weeks, let the odds be EVER in my favor!

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On another note, who is freaking excited to see the re-release of Titanic?  I am going on record that I am so excited I can barely think about it!  I saw the preview for it before the Hunger Games, and seriously, I was brought to tears!  I. CANNOT. WAIT!

Also, after being encouraged by many to hold myself accountable and weigh in, I did just that.  On Sunday I weighed in at 409.4.  INSERT SAD FACE HERE.  A gain of 2 lbs. I am sad, yes...but, it could have been worse...MUCH WORSE!  Thanks for the encouragement to do the right thing, hold myself accountable and get on that scale!

STRESS, STRESS & MORE STRESS

Today is typically my weigh in day - and typically I am VERY diligent with weigh ins.

Today is going to be the exception. Today I refuse to weigh in.

This last week has been one of the most stressful that I have had in a very long time.

WORK STRESS, WORK STRESS, WORK STRESS and more WORK STRESS.

I started the week out celebrating my 11th anniversary AND a great weight loss.  The weekend was fantastic and relaxing.  Did I eat on plan - no.  BUT, I didn't eat horrible...and I was OK with that.  I thought that I would have the week to make up for it.

Monday came, and it was fairly normal - some stress due to things that had gone on the week before - but nothing crushing.  Same with Tuesday.  I tracked all my food and stayed within my points.

Then came Wednesday.

Wednesday brought a lot of stress - A LOT - it also brought a critical business dinner at a restaurant that didn't have the best of choices for dinner.  I made the best choice possible, and I came pretty close to staying within my points for the day.

Thursday - the stress continued - I fled the office for lunch, despite my commitment NOT to eat out (except for my anniversary) in March.  Again, I tried to make good choices - and I felt decent about it.  But the Cracken had been released.

Thursday Night - Eat out - Pizza Hut.  I felt so disgusting after that I seriously considered vomiting to make it go away.  It was so repulsive.

Friday Morning - Eat out.  IHOP.  I did make a good choice here - the Simple & Fit whole wheat french toast.  But, the ball was just rolling.

Friday Evening - Eat out.  Plum Alley.  Girls night out.  The restaurant was fabulous, but the food was definitely salty, salty, salty.  I can only imagine the amount of sodium I consumed.  And, as any professional dieter knows, sodium is the kiss of death for a weigh in.

In addition to all of the stress, I didn't sleep well AND I worked longer hours than normal. For me stress + no sleep + long hours at work + sodium, sodium, sodium = swelling, and A LOT of it.  On Friday night my ankles looked like like tree trunks.  They were swollen.  SO SWOLLEN!

When I woke up this morning I was still swollen (still am) AND I didn't feel well - both mentally and physically.

And that's when I knew.

I knew that there was no way in HELL that I was going to weigh in today.

Between the swelling and the significant number of times I ate out during the week, I knew that the result would be terrible.  And honestly, I just did not have the mental bandwidth to handle a poor weigh in.

I have to get back on track.

I have not worked out in TWO WEEKS!  My tracking has been really poor.  I have been eating out far too much.  And even though I not gone on a food binge, I just don't feel like my choices have been fantastic.  My head is not in the game.  And although stress is the reason I use to justify these things - the reality is that every single one of them makes my stress even worse, not better!

Even though I still feel horrible (besides the swelling I am battling a constant headache and a stomach that is in knots.  I am also completely exhausted - not tired - exhausted...and I've had a few irrational bouts of crying (damn the latest Disneyland commercial - I can't handle the emotional manipulation right now)) I have managed to pull together a fairly decent day food wise.  I tracked everything I ate AND I made good choices.

I don't want to make to keep making excuses.  I don't want to have reasons to make excuses.

This week has been bad.  The week before wasn't stellar.  I had choices in how I reacted to all that was going on and I need to own that.

I just need to get back on track.

This week is going to be better - even if there is stress - even if I feel exhausted.

I will get back on track.

___________________________________________________________________________________
I did have some high points in a week filled with a lot of low points:

HUNGER GAMES!  Oh. My. Hell!  This movie far exceeded my expectations.  I loved every minute of it.  EVERY MINUTE.   If you saw Hunger Games, what did you think???  I hate to admit it, but I think Josh Hutcherson made me switch from Team Gale to Team Peeta!  IMPOSSIBLE!

GIRLS NIGHT OUT WITH THE SKINNY FRIENDS.  I had a fantastic night out with my dear skinny friends.  I was reluctant to go (as usual), but I was so glad that I did (thanks in no small part to a daily phone call reminding me that a birthday would be destroyed if I didn't go).  After reading my blog, one of my dear SF's called ahead to the restaurant where we ate to make sure that I wouldn't be battling booth or chair anxiety....it meant a lot to me that she did that - I mean A LOT.  I love them all dearly.

PEOPLE MAGAZINE.  This week People Magazine published an article about Stephanie Nielson of the Nienie Dialogues as her memoir is about to hit bookstores everywhere.  I started reading Stephanie's blog shortly after she was severely injured in an airplane crash in 2008.  Her story is a complete miracle and a constant source of inspiration to me - I am counting the days down until I can read her book.

LIVING LIFE FAT

People who are thin, or slightly overweight, cannot truly understand what it is like to live life fat.  Definitely they can sympathize - most people, thin or not, have gone through periods of time in life when they feel fat.

But feeling fat is FAR different from actually living life fat.

Living life fat is a whole different ball of wax.  It is an entire lifestyle unto itself.

The other night the Hubs and I were talking about living life fat, and what it has meant for us...what it has meant for me in particular.  Here are a few things we mused about:

SWIMSUITS IN PUBLIC.  Although neither of us will allow our bodies to prevent us from getting into a swimsuit, hitting a pool or hitting a water park, and enjoying the day with the family,  With that said, we certainly feel self conscious about it...and I hate feeling that way.  Although I am a large lady, I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished so far in my life.  I DESPISE feeling less than because my body looks, well, not so hot in a bathing suit!

RESTAURANTS.  Going to restaurants is like an olympic event for us.  I have to search the website, make sure they have table seating, not booth seating (booths aren't friendly to large folks) AND make sure that the chairs they have are armless OR large enough to accomodate my very ample rear.  It takes so much of the fun out of the experience, but at this point, it has become second nature.  I don't want it to be second nature.  I like to be spontaneous and free wheeling from time to time.  Clearly, living the fat life makes that difficult.

AIR TRAVEL.  Air travel really sucks.  I am already afraid of flying - I mean, diagnosed Level 4 anxiety disorder where air travel is concerned.  Now, add on top of that the anxiety of flying while fat.  Seriously, worrying about fitting into the seat, worrying about the person sitting next to you, worrying about how uncomfortable you are going to be...it goes on and on.  My favorite 'fat' experiences on an airplane include 1) I I boarded a flight and the attendant proactively approached me and asked me if I wanted a seat belt extender - I travel with my own, so it wasn't necessary...but, you know, I felt really special afterwards AND 2) I had a passenger ask me if I wanted to move to another seat "so everyone could be comfortable".  It irritated me so much that it wouldn't have mattered if there was another open seat, I would not have moved.  I told him "if you want to move, be my guest."  Don't get me wrong, I feel bad when I am flying and I intrude on people's space - I try to avoid it at all costs - but seriously, jack wagon, do you really think I am enjoying the situation!!  Try to have a little sympathy - just a little.  Anyway, flying sucks.  I hate flying fat.  And frankly, I won't do it again until I have lost weight...and even then, I may have to be heavily sedated. HEAVILY SEDATED!!

OLD FRIENDS.  I hate running into old friends.  In my mind the first thing they notice (and it is probably true) is how much weight I have gained since the last time they saw me.  It makes me feel so uncomfortable and I avoid it like the plague.  LIKE THE PLAGUE!  I have a 20 year high school reunion coming up - and guess what, I am not going.  Seriously, high school was an odd experience anyway - now add to that the fat thing - just not pleasant.  I don't need it.

SKINNY FRIENDS.  I love my friends.  I really do.  Some of my best friends have been my friends for 25 years (boy, my next post is clearly going to be about living life old)...and of course, many of them are thin.  REALLY THIN...and health nuts at that!  When we go out I always feel so self conscious!  They don't drink  soda, they always order salads or some unappetizing lean meal - while I am sipping my coke and eating a steak!  It just makes me feel  BLAH!   The worst is when we have 'sleepovers'.  They have their cute, tiny pajamas while I am rolling out in yoga pants and the biggest t-shirt I can find.  Don't get me wrong, I NEVER regret going out with my friends, and I always love the company, conversation and friendship.  However, I initially think of every excuse in the book not to go because I honestly just feel so out of place (also, refer to the section above about choosing a restaurant).

PLUS SIZE SHOPPING.  Shopping for plus size women's clothing is tantamount to torture.  Seriously, if the US wants to move away from water boarding, they should consider plus size shopping as a viable option!  Men's Big and Tall clothes are trendy and well made and easy to find -  but women's plus size clothing - whole different story.  Plus size designers for the most part are completely out of touch with their clientele.  The fabrics, prints, styles and cuts are atrocious - and they charge an arm and a leg for this crap. I suppose they assume we fat women want to look like walking  tents.  We obviously love hot pink, turquoise (not the pretty kind) or any other bright obnoxious color OR we are trying to look like leopards, cheetahs OR zebras with a few blue stripes thrown in. We also apparently like crop tops and belly shirts - we LOVE showing off our belly flab!  Seriously, it is ridiculous.  Plus size designers also regularly use non plus size models to market their clothing.  COME ON -  if you want to sell plus size clothes, use plus size models and mannequins!  It is offensive AND I now REFUSE to purchase clothing from plus size shops that do this (Size 6 is not plus size - don't insult my intelligence -  and quit sending that kind of message to women!).  For the most part, I have been relegated to shopping online - and since I started doing that, I have been happier. I would be remiss if I didn't give a shout out to Sealed With a Kiss Designs  - They are the rare jewel in the plus size industry and I love them! Good designs for big bodies, gorgeous plus size models, fabrics that move and breath with a body that needs some flexibility AND no horrific prints.  Without them I would not just be living life fat, but naked too.

PARENTING.  I constantly worry about how being fat is affecting my kids.  I already have a good measure of guilt because I am a working mother.  The fat takes that good measure of guilt and turns it into heaping buckets of guilt.  I think that the Hubs and I have done a fairly good job where our kids are concerned - and we have tried not to let your physical condition stand in the way (remind me to tell you about the visit to Disneyland and the rocket racers OR the story about me and the waterslide - I sacrifice for my kids) - but the cold hard truth is being fat makes you tired, it limits your mobility (I don't run - I CAN'T RUN), and at the end of the day, there is no way it is not affecting my kids - even if it is just a little.

JOB HUNTING.  This was my worst nightmare.  On December 31, 2010 I was laid off from my job.  I had put in 10 years,  was good at what I did, and was well liked by the people I worked with - I thought all of that would net me some job security - boy was I  WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG.  I found myself in a tough economy hunting for a new job and doing it while being fat.  Do I think being fat affected my search? Most definitely!  In addition to having a lower level of confidence going into interviews, I also had to contend with "the first impression" - which of course in my case is going to include being a very large woman.  Now, I know that if I am given a fair shake, my knowledge and personality will quickly outshine my physical condition. I am good at what I do.  I have great experience, I am a people person and I bring a lot to the table.  Unfortunately, not everyone gives a fair shake - they don't make decision based on job related criteria.  I know that I was passed over for a couple of jobs simply because of being fat.  Does that irritate me - more than I can say.  I hope to NEVER have to go through another job search fat.  NEVER!

In a nut shell, being fat changes your whole life. It really does. It is a lifestyle - no question about it.

The above are only a few examples of the things I have had to deal with while trying to navigate the world in a plus size body.  I have lived fat for 17 years (various stages of fat, yes, but fat nonetheless).  I am so used to it by now that I have no idea what living any other way will be like.

 I hope to find out...I really do.

In the meantime, I will continue to live life fat - and I will be happy.  I mean, I am happy!!  I just want to take down some of these barriers that are holding me back from some of my dreams.

I want to go to Paris! 

I want to shop in Paris AND the Rebajas in Spain!!

I want to run on the beach in a swimsuit and feel like
 Bo Derek in 10! 

I don't want being fat to hold me back any more - I've given enough power to it - it's time for me to take it back.

And that is just what I am doing!  One pound at a time!

For those of you who are living life fat - what are some of the things that just bug the heck out of you?? And what are some of your dreams you have that you feel can't come true until you are thin?

NO. FREAKING. WAY!

Today was my weigh in.  I had absolutely no hope for a positive result on the scale - and I was prepared for that.  Today is my 11 year anniversary and there was no way that I was going to let my weigh in ruin it...so, I decided to be mature (rare, people, rare) and resolve not to throw a big fit when things didn't go my way on the scale.

I took my time getting to the scale this morning.  I surfed the net, primped a little, wandered around the house...and then decided it was time.

My husband gave me a final warning before I got on about not ruining our anniversary...I assured him I was not going to let that happen.

I stepped on and....

407.4 lbs.

NO. FREAKING. WAY!!!

I could not believe my eyes.  After the stress filled week I have had, that has resulted in some stress eating...I lost....

4.8 lbs!

Normally, I weigh multiple times to confirm the weight...today I only weighed twice.  Both times, the weight came up the same.  THIS IS REAL!  IMPOSSIBLE!

I am calling this  LUCK O' THE IRISH  in honor of 11 years of marriage!  And I am taking it!  I AM TAKING IT!

My total weight loss...

22.6 lbs.

Yes folks, new pictures are coming soon!

HAPPY WEIGH DAY!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

What a great start to St. Patty's Day AND to the celebration of 11 years married to the man of my dreams...the man PERFECTLY suited to me in every way, shape and form.  I love him with all my heart and am so grateful to have him in my life! Read more about that here.

BAD HABITS

After a fantastic weigh in on Saturday that had me riding HIGH HIGH HIGH, you would think staying on program and keeping up my fitness regimen would be a snap.  It hasn't been.  It has not been at all.

In fact, this week has been VERY challenging.  One of the most challenging weeks I have had so far.  A week that has seen a lot of bad habits creeping back into my daily life.

WARNING - EXCUSES AHEAD!

I haven't been feeling well AND I'm hormonal.  GREAT COMBO for a girl on a diet!  On Sunday I just felt...BLAH!  I had no energy and felt dizzy and light headed every time I stood up.  I spent the entire day sitting around, watching TV and not much else.  I am also hormonal (sorry male readers, this is just a fact of female life and it DEFINITELY affects diet and exercise).  Hormonal = swelling, at least for me it does, and when my ankles are swollen I just want to lay down and prop them up.  I also want to eat everything in sight.  EVERYTHING.

So, I don't feel well AND I'm hormonal.  GOOOOOOOD! Good for the program!

Besides feeling poorly AND being hormonal, work has been incredibly stressful this week. What do I do to deal with stress?  One guess (hint: I didn't get to 430 lbs. exercising to relieve stress) I EAT!  And boy am I battling that desire.  I want to eat to drown the emotions and the stress.  I want to eat to feel better.  I want to eat because I am hormonal.  I WANT TO EAT TO COPE!  And fighting that desire to eat is kicking my butt!

The combination of feeling sick, hormonal, stressed AND fighting the desire to chow down like a hound has left me exhausted...so when I get home I have no motivation to do anything.  I don't want to cook.  I don't want to work out.  I just want to lay on the couch or my bed and watch 'Modern Family'.

So, how has all of this manifested itself??

BAD HABITS...

I've been snacky - yesterday I ate 23 points worth of SNACKS!


I haven't been tracking - I just spent the last 30 minutes going back and tracking for Monday and Tuesday.


I haven't been working out - I went swimming on Monday, but I haven't hit the treadmill since SATURDAY!  AND the only reason I went on Monday was because my older sister, who has Multiple Sclerosis, decided she was ready to start a fitness program.  I have been bugging her for MONTHS to get out and start doing some activity - so, to say no was NOT an option.


I ate out - I may have failed to mention here on the blog that I made a commitment to not eat out for the month of March.  This is both for diet and financial reasons.  Today, I snapped like a twig and ate out...and it made me feel guilty so I couldn't even enjoy it!

I'm overeating - I have eaten 24 points over my target for the week!

How, HOW does someone who just lost 7.6 lbs. after a 2 week plateau AND still has 247 lbs. to lose let this happen???

BAD HABITS!

They are powerful, and they are hard to fight.  It took a long time to develop them and they aren't going away overnight.

BUT, they won't get the best of me...because I am determined...and hell hath no fury like a sick, hormonal, stressed woman who is determined.  HELL HATH NO FURY!

FINALLY!

412.2

That is what the scale said this morning when I stepped on.

412.2

That is a loss this week of

 7.6 lbs

Total weight lost is

17.8 lbs 

To say that I feel relieved that the nasty plateau I have been on has broken would be an understatement.

The anticipation of this weigh in was overwhelming. I did not think I could take another disappointment on the scale.  Last night I woke up several times.  I had butterflies.  I had weird, freaky dreams...I mean WEIRD FREAKY DREAMS.  Finally, at 7:00 am I woke my husband up so we could get the weigh in over with.  I made him weigh in first - he lost 4.2 lbs - pretty impressive - and a hard act to follow. 

It was my turn.  I stood there for a minute, mentally preparing myself for whatever happened,  and then I took the plunge.  When I saw the number flash up I thought it was a mistake.  I got off, repositioned the scale and weighed again.  SAME RESULT. 

 It was true!   

 Does my craziness regarding weigh in seem to indicate I have a problem - probably - but this morning I could care less.

I am so happy to see progress, results...to have whittled 265 down to  247.2.

OH WHAT A FEELING!

Thanks to all of you who have encouraged me through the very difficult last couple of weeks.  Honestly, it has made such a difference to have a cheering section, to get advice...and just simply to have you all say "I know you can do it".

THANK YOU!

SIX

Tonight was my sixth consecutive day working out! It felt fantastic!  I don't think I have every worked out 6 days in a row in my life!

I have discovered a few things in these 6 days...

• Working out after a full day at the office is hard. Really hard.  I feel far more worn out and I am not able to push my body as hard as I can on a weekend.
• Swimming after a good workout on the treadmill is divine.  The treadmill is like my punishment, the swimming my reward.  I love it!
• Proactively taking Ibuprofen before bed ensures that my aches and pains are not too bad the next morning...it is very worth it!
• Eating right before a working out is a VERY bad idea.  VERY BAD.  I did that tonight, and long story short, I felt bad for anyone working out around me.  I will let you use your imagination about what that means.
• Even though I am dedicating about an hour a day to workouts, sometimes more, I feel like I have far more time each day.  It is weird. 
• In 6 days I can earn 51activity points on Weight Watchers.  That is a FULL DAY of points earned.  WOW!  I was floored when I saw that tonight.
• Having a good friend with me while I am working out makes such a difference - the time passes faster and I feel more motivated to go.
• I FREEZE after working out.  I mean, seriously freeze.  It's like my body just doesn't know how to handle it.  I shiver and shake and huddle under big, winter blankets trying to warm up. 
• My favorite workout is when my whole family goes with me.  I love to have them all there...I love having family activities revolve around healthy activities versus activities where we sit on our butts and feed our faces.

It's amazing that only 1 week ago tonight I was thinking "working out isn't really for me".  Tonight I am thinking "I could make a lifetime commitment to this.  I really could!"

These last six days have been fantastic, outstanding, stupendous...but tomorrow...tomorrow I rest.

I've earned it!

TRYING

I have been trying a lot of new things this week...

...a new approach to my Weight Watchers program (which hopefully pans out for me -FINGERS CROSSED)
...a consistent work out regimen - scheduled into my day!!  Today I actually looked forward to working out!
...swimming laps (gently)- AFTER walking on the treadmill for 40 minutes (It felt so good, I am CRAVING, yes CRAVING time to do it again).
...new light recipes...tonight I made Balsamic Mushroom Chicken.  It was TO. DIE. FOR!  I mean SERIOUSLY - TO. DIE. FOR!!  I also made a knock off Cafe Rio salad earlier in the week!  It was FANTASTIC!  I may never eat another real Cafe Rio salad in my life!
...taking leftovers for lunch - and loving them!  LOVING THEM.

I am loving the creativity.  I am loving NOT sitting on my butt every night watching TV.  I am loving NOT making excuses as to why I can't do these things.  You know the ones...

"I'm too exhausted after a long day at work to work out"
"I can't cook.  I'm really bad at it"
"It's just easier to eat out - I am a working mom after all - it:s the break I DESERVE to give myself"

I am LOVING how I feel.

I know the scale hasn't been moving.  And yes, that is super depressing for a few hours after weigh in.  SUPER DEPRESSING.  But the way I feel right now makes up for it.  And frankly, even if I never lose another pound (OK, I do really want to lose weight...I REALLY DO) I am so happy with the way I feel, it will still be worth the effort.

The other night I went walking with a friend in the neighborhood.  We chatted and walked and chatted some more.  It was GREAT.  At one point we started talking about bad, overeating habits.  About eating until you are SO FULL that honestly, it makes you physically ill.  Some of you have probably felt that way occasionally, but up until about a month ago I used to feel that way daily.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

In that moment I was OVERCOME with emotion when I realized that I had not felt that way in over a month.  It moved me to tears (very quiet ones so my walking partner wouldn't catch me crying like a baby).

...tears because I really am making progress and in that moment I realized it.
...tears because for so long eating like that and feeling like that was a part of my every day life.
...tears because I felt hope - hope that I would not go back there - that I had a choice in the matter.

It was a moment that I desperately needed.  To remind me that this journey is not just about losing weight - it is about changing a life.

And it's happening.  My life is changing.  And I feel happy about it.  I feel empowered. I feel strong.  I feel like no matter what  I WILL NOT STOP TRYING!

A whole new world is opening up to me.  I can't wait to keep trying it out!

RELIEVED

I know I said that I was going to give the WW program one more week, but I have made some discoveries today about the program and I am now making some IMMEDIATE changes.

Let me say before I go any further that these are my opinions, there is nothing scientific in my findings and I am certainly not saying that Weight Watchers does not work...I am simply saying that for me, a woman weighing in at 419.8 lbs., I may need to make some changes.

I decided to do an experiment.  I went back to a day in my WW tracker I consumed ALL the points that I am allotted, which is 65.  I took the food from that day and tracked it in Spark People (a free site that a lot of people use who preferred the old WW program).  I also tracked a day where I ate significantly less than then number of calories allotted, 52.  HERE IS WHAT I FOUND:

On the day that I ate 65 points, I consumed 2786 calories.  WHAT?!?!?!?!

On the day I consumed 52 points I ate 2163 calories.

I was, and continue to be, flabbergasted.  I know my body, and there is NO WAY I can lose weight consuming 2800 calories a day.  NO WAY.

When I was on Jenny Craig several years ago (which was very effective for me, although very expensive) my target caloric intake was 2000 calories - I weighed 355 lbs. at the time.  When I went back weighing in at 410 lbs. they told me that I could choose to move to 2300 calories or remain at 2000 - they stressed it was my choice.  I stayed at 2000 because I had always felt very satisfied there, and it produced good results.

ANYWAY, I decided to do some calculations to make sure the 2800 added up.  I took 2800 calories and divided it by 65 (the points allotted to me each day) and that came out to an average of 43.07 point. I then multiplied 43.07 by the lowest number of points recommended by Weight Watchers, which is, 29, and I got 1249.  1200 calories is the lowest recommended daily caloric intake and very few reputable programs will recommend any participant go below that amount of calories in a day...so I knew that the 2800 calories that I came up with at 65 points was right in the ballpark.

BOTTOM LINE...I cannot lose weight and consume 2800 calories each day.  I just can't.  On the old WW program I was consuming about 2300 calories when I ate all my points, and I lost.  I started that program in 2010 weighing 439 lbs and I lost 73 lbs before I let emotional eating get the better of me.  This time around I started lower, 430 lbs., and I'm eating approximately 2800 calories each day.  It. Is. Not. Feasible. For Me!  NOT FEASIBLE!

So I am making adjustments.

I am a believer in the calories in calories out theory!!  I really am!! I do like the points system, it makes me pay attention to other nutrients in food and I like the ease of using points.  BUT, I am lowering my daily points target to a range of 48 - 52.  That should put me in the 2000 - 2300 calorie range each day.

ALSO, I am DEFINITELY tracking fruits.

On the new PointsPlus system WW has made all fruits 0 points.  Here's the thing, if I eat 3 pieces of fruit in a day that can add up to 200 - 300 extra calories!!  No matter how healthy, those are still calories that my body has to handle and I need to track them.  On the old program ALL FRUIT was tracked.  ALL OF IT!  Theoretically, I could eat 65 point, be around 2800 calories, eat a few pieces of 0 point fruit and before you know it I am over 3000 calories!

NOT. GOING. TO. RESULT. IN. WEIGHT. LOSS!!!

I am not going to lie, I feel so relieved to have uncovered all of this.  I thought I was going NUTS!  Seriously, I kept thinking..."Am I eating something that I am not tracking...am I tracking incorrectly...Am I not assigning enough points values to certain foods, etc."  End of the day, I was simply eating too much.

NOW TO PUT THIS TO THE TEST!

Let's hope I still feel this relieved on Saturday, come weigh in!

SKUNKED

Well, it is obvious that this journey is going to be the death of me.  I thought obesity would be the death of me, but I was clearly wrong.  WRONG! 

This morning was my weigh in.  Again, I went in with high hopes, I mean - I stayed on program all week...why wouldn't I lose weight.  This is a scientific formula - guaranteed to produce weight loss - calories in, calories out.

BULL!!

Today I weighed in at 419.8.  That is a loss of .4 lbs. and puts me back at the weight I was at 2 weeks ago.

SKUNKED.  SKUNKED. SKUNKED.

I have no words.

I am mad.  Damn mad.

I know that on any weight loss program there will be set backs, but come on.  I do not weigh 155 lbs.  I am not trying to drop 10 lbs. to get to 145.

I WEIGH 419.8 LBS. AND I HAVE A 255 LBS MORE TO LOSE.

I would expect a struggle further down the road, but not now.  Not now at the beginning when my body should be breathing a sigh of a relief and tripping over itself to shed this weight.

Mentally, this is just absolutely exhausting.

I'm not giving up.  Trust me.  I can't.  It's just not an option. 

BUT, I am seriously questioning the effectiveness of the "new" Weight Watchers program.  The old program worked fabulously for me.  This one, well, it's treating me like the red headed step child.  It's taking me out in the alley and it is giving me a beat down. 

And that is how I feel, beat down.

I will give this program one more week, then I'm done.  There are a lot of other options out there, and one of them will be the right one for me.  I honestly thought this program was what I needed, but today, I'm not so sure.  Next week, I will be sure.

It's do or die this week Weight Watchers PointsPlus Program!! DO OR DIE!

DO OR DIE!
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4 hours post weigh in....

Take that you damn scale...Take that Weight Watchers PointsPlus.  Take that 419.8!

TAKE THAT!

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10 hours post weigh in....

If the weight won't come off willingly, I will DRIVE it from my body.  

This workout summary doesn't include the .50 mile I walked on another treadmill before having to move.

I walked a 5k today!

TAKE THAT!

EVEREST

It has been 5 days since my weigh in.

I have recovered.

The stark reality is I will have many set backs on this journey.  As much as I want this to be a smooth, bump free ride...I know it won't be.  And I need to be ready for it.  I can't melt down every time things don't go my way.

My melt down on Saturday lasted about 3 hours.  I cried.  I cried a lot.

It may be hard to understand why...it may even seem ridiculous to some.

Let me try to explain.

When a mountaineer is climbing Mt. Everest there is nothing more devastating than having to go backward on a journey that REQUIRES you to go forward. Every step backward is another step forward you have to take on an already grueling journey...a journey that is literally life and death.  And each time it happens, it puts the ultimate goal of reaching the summit in jeopardy.  Going backward is overwhelming, almost crushingly so.  And in those moments when the mountaineer goes backward, the mountain starts to win.  Let me tell you, if you have ever watched any of those Mt. Everest documentaries, you know the mountain wins A LOT!

Having to lose 265 lbs. is DEFINITELY the Mt. Everest of weight loss.  Every step backward on my climb to the 265 lbs. summit puts my journey at risk...it puts the mountain in control, even if it is only for a moment.  But in that moment, when the mountain gets the upper hand, giving up seems so much easier - it is appealing.

So, on Saturday as I sat there crying...mourning the step backward...I felt for a moment like the mountain was winning.  That it would get the best of me.  All I could think was "I can't do this...I cannot lose 265 lbs. on my own.  I'm not capable.  I will fail...again.  It's easier that way."

It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  Both mentally and physically.

BUT THEN...

Something inside me battled back, pushed me to take a step forward, to keep the journey on track.  Instead of wallowing, I got up, put on my 1140's, hit the street and walked a mile.  Later that night, I walked another 1.7 miles.

It felt good.

Even though I am moving forward, I won't lie and say that this week has been easy.

It hasn't.

Although I have stayed on program, I have felt less passionate and less motivated.  There hasn't been a lot of drive.

My workouts have suffered. I've only made it out once, and that workout was sub-standard.  I only made it 1.1 miles. I walked on an indoor track, and I hated it.  It was boring...all I could think about was how many times I had gone around and how many more times I needed to go.  There was no scenery.  There were no elevation changes.  It was flat, ugly and boring.

And, I am dreading the scale on Saturday.  DREADING IT.  But, failing to weigh in is not an option.  For me, failing to weigh in is the first step in a pattern of failure that I have repeated oh so many times.  I can't let it happen.

I have to face it no matter what.

I have to summit.  I have to.  This mountain cannot win.

So, forward I will go.