It has been 5 days since my weigh in.
I have recovered.
The stark reality is I will have many set backs on this journey. As much as I want this to be a smooth, bump free ride...I know it won't be. And I need to be ready for it. I can't melt down every time things don't go my way.
My melt down on Saturday lasted about 3 hours. I cried. I cried a lot.
It may be hard to understand why...it may even seem ridiculous to some.
Let me try to explain.
When a mountaineer is climbing Mt. Everest there is nothing more devastating than having to go backward on a journey that REQUIRES you to go forward. Every step backward is another step forward you have to take on an already grueling journey...a journey that is literally life and death. And each time it happens, it puts the ultimate goal of reaching the summit in jeopardy. Going backward is overwhelming, almost crushingly so. And in those moments when the mountaineer goes backward, the mountain starts to win. Let me tell you, if you have ever watched any of those Mt. Everest documentaries, you know the mountain wins A LOT!
Having to lose 265 lbs. is DEFINITELY the Mt. Everest of weight loss. Every step backward on my climb to the 265 lbs. summit puts my journey at risk...it puts the mountain in control, even if it is only for a moment. But in that moment, when the mountain gets the upper hand, giving up seems so much easier - it is appealing.
So, on Saturday as I sat there crying...mourning the step backward...I felt for a moment like the mountain was winning. That it would get the best of me. All I could think was "I can't do this...I cannot lose 265 lbs. on my own. I'm not capable. I will fail...again. It's easier that way."
It hurt. It hurt a lot. Both mentally and physically.
BUT THEN...
Something inside me battled back, pushed me to take a step forward, to keep the journey on track. Instead of wallowing, I got up, put on my 1140's, hit the street and walked a mile. Later that night, I walked another 1.7 miles.
It felt good.
Even though I am moving forward, I won't lie and say that this week has been easy.
It hasn't.
Although I have stayed on program, I have felt less passionate and less motivated. There hasn't been a lot of drive.
My workouts have suffered. I've only made it out once, and that workout was sub-standard. I only made it 1.1 miles. I walked on an indoor track, and I hated it. It was boring...all I could think about was how many times I had gone around and how many more times I needed to go. There was no scenery. There were no elevation changes. It was flat, ugly and boring.
And, I am dreading the scale on Saturday. DREADING IT. But, failing to weigh in is not an option. For me, failing to weigh in is the first step in a pattern of failure that I have repeated oh so many times. I can't let it happen.
I have to face it no matter what.
I have to summit. I have to. This mountain cannot win.
So, forward I will go.
Let me just say...you are AWESOME! I wish I could put my thoughts into such eloquent words!!! I have felt the same way lately and I continue to battle with myself as to whether or not I am going to succeed at this. Right now, I feel like I'm not going to, so reading this post lets me know that I'm not alone in this feeling and that its NOT the end of my journey just because I feel defeated sometimes! : )
ReplyDeleteJust think that the ONLY thing you have to do is not avoid the scale. If you keep doing your weigh-ins, everything else will take care of itself. If you let yourself experience the downs, those emotions will only bolster your motivation later even though it doesn't feel like it. You are doing great and I don't think for a minute that your small gain had anything to do with being lax with your program. Bodies just shed weight in unpredictable ways in the short-term. Crying for three hours is just another way of you reminding yourself how much you want this. Good luck with the weigh-in tomorrow! The facts are always friendly. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me...I'm a friend of Chris' from high school. I just wanted to let you know that you are inspiring. Good luck with your journey and weight loss. Each pound off is an accomplishment! You are awesome. Marcie McKee
ReplyDeleteGreat advice from Heather.
ReplyDeleteThis is my second time on WW. This time I'm becoming a lifetime member. It's going to happen. You can do it too!
The first time round, I had gains - they're crushing, absolutely devasting. But, it's just one week. Pick yourself up, move forward - you can do it!
Just think of the quote "Nothing worth having comes easy." Definitely true, it's hard work, but good health + happiness is worth it.
Marcie, Thank you so much for reading my crazy rantings!! I am really trying and I hope that I will be successful. I won't guarantee anything, but I certainly feel good about where I'm at...well, except for that pesky scale not budging thing. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. It really does!!!
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