Tuesday, September 4, 2012


Today I feel like I need to address something that has really been bugging me.

I recently read a post on a fellow bloggers weight loss blog, that I feel fairly certain was in reference to me and my journey (and even if it isn't - it might have well been):  The fact that I constantly fall of the wagon.  The fact that I gain steam, and then fail.

She wrote in her blog that she wanted to say "WTF - stop acting like an undisciplined child" -  but she just couldn't "bring herself to" and instead just chose to stop following my blog. Because, well - she didn't like the negativity.  It was "bad energy for her" .

NEGATIVITY! BAD ENERGY! - HONEY, THIS IS REALITY!  This is the reality that millions of people around the world face every single day.  This is the struggle.  This is the crushing, overwhelming journey - SORRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

Here's the thing, if you are looking for a blog that paints weight loss - or more than that - food addiction and fighting obesity - in a positive, Mary Sunshine light - YOU HAVE COME TO THE WRONG BLOG.  Feel free to stop following now.  Please - stop following - I don't need you reading this blog.  I can't inspire you - not even a little.  You want to read about people who already fought the good fight, not about someone wanting, desperately, to fight it!

This blog is about the REAL LIFE battle that an obese person, ME, CONNIE - A REAL EFFING PERSON,  faces when trying to deal with this problem.  Much like a drug addict or an alcoholic trying to get clean, this is a bloody, gruesome war!  And one that like MILLIONS of others out there are fighting, and failing - one that I am failing at right now.


Seriously - why do you think that in America obesity and overweight in adults is an epidemic??   Because its easy to beat?? Because we never fall down??


And many, MANY strong people will fail.  I might even  be one of them - but at least I'm willing to say that, and put myself out there - and document said failures in hopes that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE someone else can relate, and feel that they are normal when they fall - that they can understand - and provide support - and not just when it's convenient and positive!!!

Look, I hope I don't fail at this, but who knows!  The odds are certainly against me and EVERY OTHER FAT PERSON IN AMERICA WHO WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

So, look, if you want to read a blog about someone who ALREADY  made it to the end of their journey, then see your way off this blog.  BUT, if you want to read about someone who is fighting to try to get there, even though there will be failures - and a lot of them - if you want to lend your support, hear it like it is, truly understand the battle that an obese person goes through to try to beat their ADDICTION - then, this is the blog for you.

To the fair weather supporter who abandoned me - good riddance.  I don't need your brand of support.

To those of you who are hanging in there with me, even though you wonder how many more times you are going to read about me falling down, eating McDonald's or just plain giving up - THANK YOU!  It means more to me than I can say - I hope I don't disappoint you forever - I don't think I will!  Regardless, your support is important to me and I appreciate it - it makes a difference, it really does!

OH, and by the way, to my faithful supporters - I give you full permission to say:


A little tough love never hurt a soul!


Rough patch - 4 weeks in and I am going through yet another rough patch.

Today, as I was thinking about WHY exactly I am struggling again, I realized - plain and simple - that I am choosing to struggle.   I have a choice in this - of course I do - and right now I am choosing to make bad decisions - and I am choosing failure.

So, WHY - WHY am I making bad decisions just 4 weeks into my latest "push" toward the 400 lbs. milestone?

I SWEAR I have some sub-conscious fear of getting below 400 lbs. What that fear is, I don't know.  But consistently, when I get within 5 lbs. of 400: a short 1 - 2 weeks before I bid adieu to that number, I choke.  Like sputtering, gasping for life CHOKE!

And interestingly, this isn't the first time I have gone through this...

When I was 30 I joined Jenny Craig.  I had just given birth to my second daughter a few months earlier.  I gained quite a bit of weight with her - I was weighing in at 350 lbs (what I wouldn't give right now to see that number) - and I was determined to get it off.

I joined Jenny Craig with my husband, and off we went.  We did fantastic. We were PEELING the weight off.  We started the program in August and by November we had both lost around 45 lbs.  I was at 304 lbs.  I remember that vividly - people, you should see pictures of me from that time - seriously, I looked fantastic.  ANYWAY - I digress - I was MOMENTS from breaking the 300 lbs. mark, which of course was a BIG deal for me.  I was SO looking forward to it.

Well, that Thanksgiving we went away for the holiday to spend it with family.  And seriously, can you imagine a holiday /slash/ vacation that wouldn't be filled with food, food and more food.  Chris and I decided that we were going to roll with it - I mean, look how far we had come, certainly we wouldn't be knocked off our diet by a few days of debauchery...OH HOW WRONG WE WERE...never did we imagine we would encounter our arch nemesis of food...


Pumpkin pie is apparently a  MAJOR weakness of ours, and we consumed it that Thanksgiving like no other.  We were gluttons, eating pie at all hours of the day - pie for breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner, 2nd dinner, etc - you get the point - we ate A LOT of pumpkin pie.  Add to that Thanksgiving dinner, leftovers, etc...well, it was a grim picture.

When we got home and stepped on the scale we were both up 10 lbs....and we were discouraged...but, it was the holiday season and neither of us wanted to try tackling the problem until the holidays were over (seriously, there is ALWAYS a convenient excuse to wait).  Well, when the holidays were over and I reported back to Jenny Craig, I was at 317 lbs.  I had been within 5 lbs. of breaking the 300 lbs. mark, and I crumbled.

Flash forward a few years - and one hundred lbs. later,  and here I am, within moments of breaking a major milestone number, and I crumble EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I get close to it.

Saturday was my weigh in - and I knew it was going to be bad.  I mean, I had abandoned the whole program and was just eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted - and I knew it was going to show.  And show it did...to the tune of 11 lbs.  I weighed in at:

416 lbs.

An 11 lbs. gain in one freaking week

I was disturbed.  Disturbed for so many reasons:

1) I couldn't believe how quickly I can pack on the pounds - seriously, why can't I take it off as easily as I pack it on??

2) I couldn't understand how just 1 week before I had stepped on the scale and saw my goal within reach and then choked.  CHOKED.

3)  After weighing in, I thought the following:
"I am never going to let myself lose this weight.  I am going to get in my own way every single time I get close".
 And THAT discouraged me more than anything has, ever, on my weight loss journey.
So, what is the deal?? Am I afraid of success on the weight loss front?  Do I really, somehow believe that I can go off track and pull myself back on, even though I have countless examples of how difficult and self destructive that is for me?? Why do I keep doing this to myself?

As usual, I have no answer.

And on Saturday after weigh in, I didn't either.  BUT, I thought - DAMMIT, I can do something about this...so I changed my clothes, dragged my family to the rec center and I worked out.  I walked a 5K on the treadmill - and it felt GOOD.  When I finished I thought:

"WHY AM I NOT CHOOSING THIS?? WHY?  I feel great, I feel powerful, I feel FANTASTIC".  WHY, CONNIE, WHY?!!!

I don't know.  I just don't know.

Poor nutrition, failing to exercise - these things make me feel TERRIBLE.  So, why do I choose them?

Clearly, I need to figure that out.  I really do.  I feel like the answer to this question is a key that I need to unlock this door and step through to the other side.

So, in the meantime, while I am searching for this answer, what do I do?  Do I toss everything aside and wait until I know what the issue is?  Well, that answer doesn't feel right, now does it?!  I mean, I may not know why I continue to choose failure on this journey, but I CERTAINLY know that going backwards isn't the answer.  SO, what to do???

I decided to follow the advice of Holly from 300 lbs. Down and FAKE IT 'TIL I MAKE IT.


Sometime we just have to fake it.  We have to pretend that the thing we don't want to do or don't feel like doing is ACTUALLY the thing we want to do most!  And then, THEN, we have to do it, regardless of whether we want to or not.  We have to force ourselves to do it!

I can give in to my current lack of desire to choose the right path.  I can lose ground, gain weight and put myself back to square one...OR I can FORCE myself to move forward - even though NOTHING in me feels like doing it.

And so I choose to FORCE myself forward. I choose to fake it for the time being - and pray for all I'm worth that the desire and the motivation to meet this challenge squarely will return.

I really hope that my desire returns - my motivation - the pure knowledge that I am MEANT to rise to the occasion and meet this challenge head on.  I have faith it will - but I have to face that it may be unpleasant until then.

I also hope I can figure out why I can't seem to let myself be successful on this journey.  Again, I think the answer to that is crucial if I want to see long term success.

But, for now - FOR NOW, I'm faking it.  Heaven help me, I'm faking it!