MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND - FRIDAY & SATURDAY

I was so excited when work was over on Friday!  Three Day Weekend!!  YEAH!  I was so ready for it!  The previous two weeks were filled with sickness in our household:  my vertigo and my oldest's stomach flu, all ON TOP of the normal daily routine - work, cooking, cleaning, laundry.

SO. READY. FOR. A. BREAK!

We weren't really sure what we were going to do for the weekend, but we had some ideas...I had some ideas.  What we did know was that on Friday night Chris was taking my little one to see World Wrestling Entertainment, live and in person.  In January, my oldest daughter got to go see Justin Bieber in concert.  My little one did not go, and she was a bit sad. We told her she could pick something she wanted to go and see...she immediately said she wanted to go with Daddy to WWE.

I kid you not, it was one of the proudest moments of my husband's life.  He is a HUGE WWE fan!  Having his daughter ask to go to an event - well, it was clearly a highlight of his life!  Not two weeks after the J Biebs concert WWE announced that they were coming to SLC and my husband IMMEDIATELY purchased tickets.

Friday, the day finally arrived!  Chris and the little one were off for a Daddy/Daughter date.  They stopped at Black Bear Diner for dinner and then headed over to the show.  They had such a fun evening!

While Chris and the little one were off at WWE, I took my oldest daughter out for sushi (her choice - my proud moment).  She had just come through a nasty bout of stomach flu and I was REALLY nervous to take her for sushi, but she was insistent - so off we went.  We enjoyed our dinner at 'Blue Fish'.  I had the spicy tuna roll, she had the california roll.  After dinner, we headed home to snuggle and watch movies together.  We watched 'Courageous' (man, what a good movie) and 'Moondance Alexander'.  It was a very relaxed evening - and we both really enjoyed ourselves!

Friday was a fantastic start to our weekend!

When we woke up on Saturday, we still weren't sure what we were going to do.  I REALLY wanted to go to Moab, Utah - I just couldn't get it out of my mind.  I wanted to hike to Delicate Arch - a hike I hadn't done in at least 16 years, because of my weight.   It is classified as a strenuous hike because of the length and elevation gain.  I didn't even know if I could do it, but I REALLY wanted to try - I am nowhere near the weight I was when I hiked it before, but I have come a long way and wanted to give it a try.

Even though I really wanted to go, I was still hesitant because Moab is PACKED on Memorial Day weekend.  PACKED.  I really didn't think there was ANY WAY we could find a camping site, and even if we did, did we really want to fight the crowds??   We waffled back and forth, back and forth about it.  Finally Chris stepped in and made the decision.

Moab it would be - come hell or high water.

We headed out at about 11:00 AM.  It was late in the day and that meant our chances of getting any BLM camp sites were pretty much gone...but we were determined to try.  We had a disaster recovery plan in case it didn't work out - we would head over to Grand Junction and visit Chris' parents.  My kids were pretty much rooting for camp site failure once they knew what our alternate plan was - they are both grandma and grandpa's girls!!

On our way down we made a stop in Price, UT to pick up some supplies - that was pretty much a tragedy, but I won't go into that.  Long story short, we didn't get out of Price for 3 hours, putting us WAY behind schedule, and that meant we wouldn't get to Moab until almost 6:00.

UGLY.  Chances of a camp site fading away quickly.

When we finally got to Moab and started looking for a site, our fears were confirmed - absolutely no camp sites to be found AND the closest hotel with any vacancy was 55 miles away in Monticello.  We were feeling a bit defeated, but, we weren't ready to give up.  We decided to check RV campgrounds - not our ideal camping experience, but seriously, we were there to enjoy Moab - the camping was secondary to this trip.  The first RV park was a bust, but the second one had opened up a section of the park for overflow tent camping and they still had some availability.  We IMMEDIATELY took it!

YES!!  We were in!

We set up camp (did I mention this was our first camping trip as a married couple...oh yeah, first camping trip married!!!)...

...not too shabby for our first time out!!

After we had everything set up, we decided to take the chicken way out for dinner.  It was getting late and we had no desire to try and cook, so we headed into Moab to get some dinner.

We ended up eating at a place called Pasta Jay's.  We were all really hungry - it had been SEVERAL hours since we ate - so, anything was going to taste good.  I didn't have high hopes for a pasta joint - I'm not always a pasta fan, but they had pizza and both my kids wanted it.  I was at the point where ANY FOOD would do, so Pasta Jay's it was.  When my meal came I had to admit it looked good.  I was FLOORED when the marinara sauce at this place ended up being THE BEST I had ever eaten!  It was SO DANG GOOD.  Even my husband, who typically hates marinara, loved it.  We ended up buying a jar of it to take home with us!

If you are ever in Moab, UT - try Pasta Jay's.  You will not be disappointed!

After dinner we headed back to camp to get a good night's sleep. We had a big day in store for us on Sunday.  We were getting up early to make our attempt at the Delicate Arch hike!

OH BOY...I was terrified we wouldn't make it up - terrified my body wouldn't tolerate the hike - but I was determined to try.  STAY TUNED!
 

05/25/13 - Weigh In & The Weekend

VERY quick post today...

Weigh in was surprisingly good!

2.2 lbs. lost this week! Total weight loss at 59.8 lbs.

I had my big screw up on Tuesday, but I really did lock it down afterward and get myself back on track.  I wasn't expecting much in the way of loss this week - I was resigned that my win this week would have to be overcoming the screw up - so, I was very pleased when I saw this number pop up.

GETTING VERY CLOSE TO THE 360's!!  Next week, I'm hoping!!

Weekend plans are WAY up in the air! We have come up with 90 different ideas!  Who knows what we will end up doing!

What I do know, is that we are planning to have a FANTASTIC Memorial Day Weekend!  Hope you do too!

THE SCREW UP

I think one of the hardest posts to write is a post where you admit that you screwed up.  That despite your best intentions to NEVER screw up and have a flawless journey to goal weight, you screwed up - you did something to put the journey in danger.  I hate when I have to write a post like that.  But, today I do.  I have to write it, because it's the truth, plain and simple.  And I want this blog to be the truth about this monumental transformation I am undertaking in my life.

Last night, I screwed up.

Chris had gotten tickets to go to the  movies last night - originally we were going to see a preview of 'The Internship', but I wasn't feeling really high on seeing that movie, so instead we went to see 'Star Trek: Into the Darkness'.  Well, Star Trek was showing in the VIP lounge - which is a fancy, cushy movie theater replete with servers, a special menu, private bathrooms, couches, recliners, love seats...you get the picture.

I was having a really good food day and was right on track - so, I wasn't too worried about going out.

I guess I should have been.

When we got to the movie theater, we ordered popcorn and drinks.  The drinks, no problem - Powerade Zero - I don't mess around with carbonated, sugared drinks any more.  They are a trigger item for me, and I know that I just can't have them and stay on track.  Apparently I also need to add movie theater popcorn to the list of items that cause me to downfall.

We arrived at the movie theater a little early, but we asked to have our popcorn brought to us when the movie started to avoid issues with pre-movie snacking (yes, this movie theater had servers that brought your food and drinks to your seat - loved that!).  Chris and I chatted and got comfortable - we were enjoying the atmosphere, and we were both excited for the movie.  We were both feeling a little hungry and talked about ordering dinner to eat during the movie, but I wasn't impressed with the menu and so we decided against it.

I should have ordered dinner.

I hadn't eaten anything since lunch - hadn't had a mid afternoon snack - and the movie was starting right about the time I am usually getting dinner ready.   By the time they brought the popcorn to us, I was feeling ravenous - and that popcorn tasted so good - I was losing control.  Before I knew it we had finished the bucket, ordered a refill and finished that one too.

UGH.

We didn't even make a good choice and order the popcorn with no butter.  We got "light butter" - whatever that means. Butter is butter and we shouldn't have added it period, but we did.  Yep, we weren't kidding around with the going off track thing.

I don't know if you have ever 'calorie priced' movie theater popcorn, but it isn't pretty.  Chris and I basically each consumed a large bucket of buttered popcorn.

1600 calories.

Oh my hell.  Not worth it.  Not even a little.

After the movie, despite feeling bloated and gross from the popcorn, Chris and I decided to go to dinner.  WHAT???  We decided to go to dinner even though both of us were stuffed from popcorn?  This, right here, is fat behavior talking - "Well, we ate popcorn - but that is really just a snack - forget the number of calories we just ate - we still need to eat dinner, right?  I mean, we need real food!!".  That is absolutely a behavior that I used to display, and often, and it certainly helped land me at 430 lbs.!

Have mercy.

So, regardless of the fact that we were stuffed and had no business eating anything else, we went out to dinner.  We ate at a Mexican food restaurant that wasn't very good and certainly wasn't worth the amount of calories we consumed there.  We ate the chips...we ate the food...we ate everything that came near our mouths! When we left, I left feeling so full it was disgusting - I felt physcially ill.

Eating until sick.  Another ugly fat behavior that was a common occurrence for me before January 2013.

By the time we got home I was so full and so sick, that I had to immediately lay down.  I was feeling so bad, and I regretted it all.  I had made bad choices.  I had allowed behaviors that were counter productive to my goal to rear their ugly heads - and I had given in to them.  I was so disappointed in myself.

After a little while I fell asleep.  I would like to tell you that the evening ended there and I was able to put it behind me and move on - but that just isn't true.  At 3:30 AM I woke up.  I was incredibly sick to my stomach and I knew that I was going to throw up.  I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom - and everything came up.  I had eaten so much crap that my body literally couldn't handle it and eventually just rejected it.

HORRIFIED barely covers how I feel when typing that last paragraph.

I guess this is the battle with addiction, right here.   You're on track, you're doing great - and then BAM, you give in and let the addiction claim power over you again.  Then comes the realization, again, that this is a lifelong battle and it is going to require daily vigilance - and honestly, that feels a little depressing.  You also realize that letting your guard down, justifying the bad behavior - even for just an hour or two is not just detrimental, it is down right destructive!

The circle of addiction is so hard to break because 1) you're addicted to something - in my case food  2) when you fail fighting your addiction it makes you feel terrible about yourself, and 3) when you feel terrible about yourself, you are inclined to run toward the addiction that for some reason makes you feel better - for just a moment - but when that moment is over, you are right back to feeling like a failure and then the cycle repeats.

I am worried.  These last few weeks I feel like I have allowed certain behaviors - specifically eating out WAY too much - to sneak back in to my daily routine.  Sure, I track what I eat in my food journal, but bottom line, eating out is a trigger for me and not amount of journaling or tracking is going to change that.  Also, as that behavior sneaks back in I swear my mind starts to process justifications for other behaviors that "aren't so bad".

And this is my pattern - this is when I fall off the wagon - this is when it all falls apart.

I don't want that to happen.  I feel TERRIFIED that it might, because I DO NOT want it to happen.  And maybe feeling scared and terrified that it might be starting to happen is the wake up call I need to be more vigilant.

When I finally got out of bed this morning and started getting ready for work, I committed that today was a new day.  I also forced myself to face the scale - to get immediate feedback about how this slip up was affecting my progress.

It wasn't pretty.

Nonetheless,  I couldn't go back and fix what happened yesterday, no matter how much I wanted to. I played with the idea of fasting today - I mean, if I didn't eat anything today then that would make up for the calories I ate yesterday - RIGHT (said with a very sarcastic tone).  I also played with the idea of seriously restricting my calories for the next few days - again, that was definitely going to take away the bad choices from yesterday - RIGHT (again, apply very sarcastic tone)!

Ultimately, I decided that neither of those things would truly help me get back on track.  Following the my plan, sticking to the eating schedule, tracking every bite, and recommitting myself to the journey - that would get me back on track.  And that is what I am doing today.

I am also trying to analyze just what is going on with me.  Trying to figure out why I am allowing some bad behaviors to creep back in.  I know conventional wisdom says that during weight loss there will be slip ups,  but I'll be honest, I disagree with conventional wisdom. I don't think it is OK - EVER.  We would NEVER say the same thing to a drug addict or an alcoholic, so why do we when food is the addiction??  For me, this is a fight against addiction and slipping up is not OK!  And figuring out what caused the slip up is IMPORTANT.  It's going to take some serious introspection, but I need to figure out why this happens and then get a strategy in place to deal with it.

Anyway, that is my story.  I screwed up - I've been screwing up.  Again at the crossroads - give in, or fight it and move forward.

I'm fighting and moving forward.  Going back just isn't an option.  Letting a screw up take four months of hard work down - well, not going to happen.

BLACK BEAR DINER, YARD WORK & TRAMPOLINES...Oh My!

On Sunday we went out for a Mother's Day Reboot brunch.  We went to Black Bear Diner with my Mom and my sister and her family.  Black Bear Diner is SO GOOD, but SO FATTENING.  I had pretty much resigned myself that I was going to get one meal on Sunday because we were going to Black Bear.  I ended up getting the Chicken Fried Steak, which comes with their strip cut hash browns, eggs, and a sweet cream pancake.  It was so good - but when I tracked the calories, I almost swallowed my tongue!  It was a whopping 1860 calories for the meal!

OUCH!  I was definitely done eating for the day - I had used up all of my calories in one sitting!

I had planned a pretty relaxing day - maybe a movie, a nap - just pure relaxation.  On the way home from brunch Chris and I stopped at Lowe's because we needed to buy a new lawnmower and after looking and looking we felt Lowe's was going to be the best place to find what we were looking for.

That stopped changed my Sunday from one of relaxation and leisure, to a hardcore yard work day that has left me so sore that I can barely walk!

We ended up buying a new lawnmower, and of course when we got home Chris just had to assemble and then test his new gadget.  Since he was going to be outside mowing, and because the weather was damp and cool, I thought it would be a good time to get some weeding done.  That was at about 1:00.  At 6:30 that night we called it a day.

I don't know if you can tell from my posts, but once I get something in my head I am pretty stubborn and driven about it.  Weeding on Sunday was no different.  I kept telling myself, "OK, you are just going to finish this section and then call it good for today" - and once the section was done I would say, "OK, you still have some energy, let's do one more section".  Well, before I knew it I had been weeding for the better part of the afternoon and had completely transformed our front planters, as well as the gravel and roadway next to our house.

I was a woman obsessed!

After I had been weeding for about 3 hours, I went around back to check on Chris (who was still playing with the lawnmower).  I was really worn out and so I decided to climb up on the trampoline and lay on it and relax for a little while.

A couple of weeks ago I had tentatively ventured onto the trampoline - it has been calling to me ever since.  Every time I walk by it I think about getting up on there - so, on Sunday, tired and worn out I decided to get up there again.  The black jumping mat attracts the sun and keeps it REALLY warm - and I was feeling cold from the wind and the overcast, damp conditions.

After laying there for a about 10 minutes, I decided I was going to give jumping a try.  I had bounced around on the tramp the last time I had gotten on, but I hadn't actually jumped - I thought, WHAT THE HELL, I am going to give it a try.

I stood up and gave a mini jump, then immediately asked Chris to assess how close to the ground I was coming when i jumped - I was TERRIFIED of hitting the ground.  he told me I had at least 2 feet of clearance between me and the ground.  I thought, OK...I am really going to give this a try.  So I started to jump, and jump, and jump...it was SO FUN!  I forgot how much I loved jumping on the trampoline!

When I was a kid I was a trampoline maniac.  I mastered every twist, flip, turn out there...and I loved to do it.  But, at some point I stopped.  And then I gained weight, and then I convinced myself I couldn't get on a trampoline any more - you know, weight limits and all (and, please know, I am not advising any one to violate a weight limit on a tramp - I just decided to finally take the risk), and I just stopped.

It has been at least 17 years since I jumped like that on a trampoline.  17 years!!!

I was jumping, and soaring - and feeling pretty cocky about it - and out of nowhere, I threw a toe touch out there!!!  ME, 372.4 lbs., jumping and throwing a toe touch!  I LOVED IT!  I felt so free, and I was so thrilled that my body was cooperating!  I was so excited that I could actually still manage a toe touch, that I did another, and another!!

By this time my kids had wandered out and were cheering me on, my husband had wandered over to warn me to be careful!  I kept jumping and shouting with joy!  Finally, my calves started to burn so I thought, OK...that's the warning - time to give it a rest.  I sat down and just basked in the glow of my trampoline fun.

After another 5 minutes I went back to my yard work - energized from my round of fun on the trampoline.

I worked for another hour or so - until my body really couldn't do anything more.  I went in the house and started to clean up.  When I looked in the mirror I was SHOCKED at how hammered I looked.  Some women look so clean and nice after a round of gardening - I am not one of those women.  I thought it was so funny how crazy I looked that I decided to document it...and I'm actually going to share it here!!

Note the dirt on my face, the crazy hair, the weeds stuck in the hair, the filthy feet and hands

Right after I snapped these pics I wandered in the house and went directly to the bathroom where I took a very thorough shower - obviously.

After getting out of the shower and relaxing for a minute, I pulled up Sparkpeople and logged my "workout".  I plugged in 3 hours of gardening - and it said I had burned 1300 calories!!!!  I also plugged in 10 minutes of jumping on the trampoling - 67 calories!!!

1367 CALORIES!  After an 1860 calorie brunch - I needed a burn like this!  I was so thrilled!  I mean, what a workout!  My body was feeling it...and it felt good! I had really pushed my body - yard work, trampoline - and it made me feel reinvigorated and excited for the future as my body shrinks and becomes more and more capable physically.

Later that night Chris and I were talking about all the things that over the years we have just stopped doing - and we wondered why!  Jumping on the trampoline.  Biking.  Roller Skating.  Things we enjoyed and found so much pleasure doing - and we just stopped.   WHY???  Why do we stop doing things that we loved as a kid?  We didn't really have an answer, but we committed to throw caution to the wind and try those things again - and soon!  I can't wait!

The relaxing and restful Sunday I had planned turned out to be anything but...it was still a great day and I went to bed feeling so good about everything!!  And even though today every step I take is punctuated by intense muscle pain - I can't wait to do it again!

05/18/13 - Weigh In & The Weekend

Today has been a pretty crazy, hectic day.  Regardless of the mania, I made sure to make time for my weigh in - even though I was feeling a little hesitant about it because of being very sedentary this last week due to my bout with vertigo (which thankfully came to an end yesterday!!  RELIEF!).

My girls are both playing volleyball right now.  Today was the end of the season tournament.  My oldest had a game at 8:30 AM, my youngest at 12:30.  We got up this morning and it was rush, rush, rush to get ready and get over to the game.

I didn't have time to do my weigh in before we left, which was really a bummer because there was no way I was going to consume food or water prior to my weigh in - and I was thirsty and hungry!  It also meant that secretly I was hoping that my daughter's team wouldn't win because if they did, well, we would be there for two games!  I felt REALLY bad about those thoughts when my daughter's team lost in a nail biter and all the girls were crying afterward, including my own daughter.

UGH!  BAD MOM!!

After the game we headed home for weigh in.  I was feeling really neutral about it.  I certainly didn't want to gain any weight, but I didn't feel like I was going to lose it if I didn't lose much.  This week was BRUTAL - I know I sound like a broken record about this vertigo thing, but honestly, it was really terrible - and I was just happy to feel normal again!  If nothing else, that was my win this week.

So, with that attitude, I got ready and stepped on the scale...

05/13/11 Weigh In

372.4!  It was only a 1 lbs. loss, but I still felt pretty good about it!  That brings my total weight loss to  57.6 lbs.

NOT TOO SHABBY!!

I have a goal to get below 350 lbs. by my birthday, which is 8.5 weeks away.  I still think its doable, but I am going to have to buckle down and make sure I am not allowing any bad habits to sneak in or I won't make it.

I also need to get back to my exercise routine.  I feel pretty committed to exercise 5 days a week - and I know that even though the first week back on track with exercise may not be pretty on the scales, eventually it will catch up and make an impact.

**Keeping My Fingers Crossed for Success**

After weigh in Chris and I went to run some errands.  We were planning to get our grocery shopping done, but somehow we ended up at Lane Bryant shopping for bras.  My husband is a saint.  He knew it had to be done - after this much weight loss, my bras were pretty much useless and I had resorted to wearing two, rather than buy new ones - so he was supportive when I asked to drop by Lanie's.    After an HOUR of measuring and testing bra after bra, I walked out with 2 new full coverage bras.  They weren't my first choice, but the demi, which was my first choice, was just a little too small and they didn't have it in a larger size.

Oh well, something to look forward to purchasing with more weight loss!

Because I spent so much time in Lane Bryant we ended up with no time to do our grocery shopping because we had to get back for my youngest daughter's volleyball game.  We rushed home, I threw on my new bra, and we headed out.  They lost their game too...but there weren't any tears.  They are younger and aren't quite as competitive yet.  I'm sure next year it will be a different story!

THE WEEKEND

We will be playing a LOT of catch up this weekend with house work and yard work.  BLAH!  Not something I am looking forward to doing, but it must be done.

Some fun things we will make sure to fit in to give us a break from the cleaning and weeding:

• Watching LES MISERABLE.  We still haven't seen it and Chris picked it up at the Redbox.  I am really looking forward to watching it and hope it lives up to all the hype!!
• Watching the season finale of 'Scandal'.  I have been DYING to watch it, but I wanted to do it while walking on the treadmill.  Great motivation for me to get my exercise on!

I hope you have a great weekend!  

SLOW PROGRESS IS BETTER THAN NO PROGRESS!

This week has been pretty disorganized so far...and I don't like it.  I do not like it one little bit.

I was pretty much bed ridden over the weekend due to this little episode of vertigo, and right now going to work and making it through the day is taking just about all the energy I can muster - so when I get home, I am pretty much down and out - just tired of the constant movement in my head and ready for a break.  Well, as a result, none of the chores in the house are done (yes, my family is perfectly fine...but without Mom to crack the whip, well, not much gets done - I know you women out there understand what I'm saying here), no menu planning happened, none of the grocery shopping was done...it is basically chaos around the Harris household.

CHAOS!

The problem with the chaos and disorganization is that it makes it difficult for me to stay focused.  I find myself relying on eating out for lunch, rather than taking my own calorie friendly lunch. We talk about eating out for dinner every single night because coming up with a plan last minute just boggles our minds! We have resisted the temptation to eat out at dinner, but without a plan and groceries to support it, well, it's just a matter of time.

BAD HABITS.  VERY BAD HABITS.  THEY DIE REALLY HARD!

These bad habits must be squashed, and quickly, because if we keep cultivating them and allowing them to sneak back into our lives, well at a minimum they will make it incredibly difficult to stay on track - and at worst they will derail the journey.

This journey is hard enough as it is.  I don't need to do anything to increase the difficulty!!!  I have found time and time again that when I plan and prepare, I am successful - and not just on the scale.  I feel calm and focused, I feel capable of accomplishing what is required, I feel somewhat in control.  When I fail to plan, however, I feel the control slipping away, and the calm I previously felt is no where to be found.

ORGANIZATION IS A KEY FOR ME!

So, today I will be spending time getting back to 'organized'.  Bidding farewell to the chaos. I will be getting a menu plan together, getting groceries to support said plan, getting my house back in shape, and getting my focus back!  I need it.  I need to feel peaceful and calm.  I need to regain control over those things that I can actually control.  I need my organization back!

Do any of you out there find that organization is a key to staying on your journey?

I did have another little something that I wanted to share today!  A NON SCALE VICTORY!!!  One that  really lifted my spirits!

When I arrived at work this morning I was greeted by a colleague from our Massachusetts facility who hasn't been in Salt Lake City for months - definitely before I started back on my weight loss and fitness journey.  So, the Connie  he last saw was 56.6 lbs. heavier (at least) than the Connie he encountered today!

This colleague was astounded by my weight loss - he was gushing over it.  He kept saying "You look so fantastic! You have obviously lost weight! How much have you lost??"   I was THRILLED!  Thrilled to have someone notice the change, thrilled that for him the change was DRAMATIC, and thrilled to be able to share my weight loss story so far!  It felt great!

You know, when people see you every day, the change is gradual for them - harder to detect.  Sometimes there aren't the "you look greats" and "my goodness, what are you doing to lose weights".  The little comments that can brighten the journey.  It isn't their fault - I mean, sometimes it is hard for even those on the journey to see the progress!!  But, apparently, for those who haven't seen you in a while - well, the changes are obvious!  And they let you know about it!  And those moments are to be CHERISHED, and filed away so that when the going gets tough, we can pull them out and relish them for a moment!!!

It was a great start to my day!  And, honestly, a great boost for the journey.

These darn weight loss journeys are long and arduous - especially if you are looking at 18 months to 2 years or longer to reach goal.  Of course, there are times when it doesn't necessarily feel worth it...but, today was a reminder to me that YES, IT IS!!! My body is changing!  Even if it is hard for me to see!  I am making progress! And even if the pace is slower than my impatient self would like, it is so much better to make slow progress than to make no progress at all!!!

I need to remember that every. single. day:  It is better to make slow progress than no progress at all!!!

A CHIROPRACTOR & A MARATHON

Today, out of sheer desperation, I went to the chiropractor to see if I could get some relief for this vertigo.  The chiropractor scares me to death - allowing them to crack and twist my neck and back causes me quite a bit of anxiety.

But I was desperate - willing to try anything - so I went.

He started with my mid back.  He said that sometimes by getting spinal alignment back in place it allows drainage from the inner ear.  I wasn't sure I bought into that, but again, I was desperate.  The mid back adjustment hurt so damn bad.  There was swearing, on my part.  Embarrassing, yes, but I am basically paying this guy to torture me, so I thought a little swearing was in order.  I doubt I am the first to swear on his torture table.

The rest of the adjustments went pretty well - upper back, neck, lower back...crack, crack, crack.  After the adjustments were over he put me on the electric massage table and put the stims on the muscles in my neck.  That part felt fantastic, and I just relaxed and enjoyed it.  

I don't know if it is just in my head, but I am definitely feeling better.  Still a little dizzy and woozy when I first sit up or stand, but there is marked difference from when I woke up this morning - and I am completely relieved.  I will be going back, and soon.

Mother's Day was pretty uneventful around here. Chris made a nice breakfast - mountain man hash, toasted english muffins, and extra pulpy orange juice.  It was delicious.  After breakfast I went outside and sat on the patio while Chris and the girls mowed the lawn.  Being up and about was really wearing on me, so after about 45 minutes outside I wandered back into my bedroom and laid back down.  Sleep has really been my only relief from the spinning and dizziness, so I have been taking plenty of naps.  When I woke up Chris and I watched a movie, 'Jack Reacher', which I thought was pretty good.

I was a pretty sad that the day hadn't turned out how I had wanted.  I was really looking forward to getting out, enjoying the weather, and conquering the Y again.  Best Laid Plans, right??  Chris told me that we are going to have a "redo" of Mother's Day, and make sure we enjoy all the activities we had originally planned.  He's a good husband.

My eating over the weekend was really off schedule because I was napping so much, but overall I stayed on track.  I am continuing to eat around 1800 -1900 calories, and apparently my body likes it and is responding well.  I really think that 1800 calories is my "sweet spot" right now.   I am going to stay here until I drop below 300 lbs.  When I was on Jenny Craig breaking the 300 lbs. mark was the point where they lowered my calorie intake from 2000 calories a day to 1700.  I never got there, but I have always remembered that threshold.

I am very much looking forward to being able to get back to exercising - I am thinking that by Wednesday I will be able to get back on the treadmill.  There won't be any 5K's immediately - I think I seriously burned myself out on them - but I will be walking at least 45 minutes each day.

Today I decided that, without doubt, running a marathon is one of my ultimate goals - its on my bucket list if you will.  It might take me 10 years to get ready to do that - I hope not, but it might.  I don't really care when I do, but, mark my words, I will do it.

05/11/13 - WEIGH IN & THE WEEKEND

THE WEIGH IN

I have been feeling under the weather most of this week...but yesterday took it to a whole new level.  I am suffering 'vertigo' due to an inner ear infection.  It is miserable.  Everything is spinning and moving ALL the time, except when I'm asleep.  I'm really tired of it and need it to go away stat!

Regardless of my inability to stand and walk without tipping about like a drunk woman, I weighed in.  Here are my results:

Of course, I'm happy to see a loss!  I would be lying if I said anything different...but I'll be honest, I would prefer for this to even out.  Rather than losing 6 lbs. one week, and none or even a gain the next...I would prefer a steady 2 - 3 lbs. each week!  Slow and steady wins the race!!!  RIGHT!!  And I'm a playing to win this race!!!

Trying to get this picture this morning was a bit of a comedy of errors.  My balance is so off, and I am constantly dizzy, so when I picked up our camera to get my weigh in picture - I promptly dropped it...and broke it.  I am so bummed out!  We just bought it in January, and here it is May and it is broken beyond repair.  Chris is going to see if it is still covered and we can return it for a new one...but, I'm not holding my breath.

THE WEEKEND

We had some big plans this weekend, as the weather is absolutely gorgeous around these parts.  Last year for Mother's Day I wanted nothing more than to conquer 'The Hike to the Y' - I did it, although it was painful...you can read about that adventure here.

This year I wanted to repeat my victory on Y Mount - so we had planned to do the hike this weekend.  Clearly in my dizzy, tipsy state I shouldn't be allowed to get near any steep incline on the side of a mountain!  I'm still holding out hope that this vertigo crap will clear up...but, if it doesn't, my hike will have to wait until next weekend.

Last weekend we had planned a hike to Silver Lake with a good friend and his kids, that got scuttled due to the weather.  We were hoping to do that today - but again...unable to walk a straight line is putting a hamper on these plans!!!

As it stands, this weekend is starting to look like a lot of time in bed or on the couch...and a lot of Redbox movies to keep me entertained!!  In fact, as I write this post I am watching Twilight and loving every minute of it.  It is playing my favorite scene of the whole movie right now - The baseball game - LOVE IT!  No, I won't be ashamed!  I adore Twilight!  And, yes, I'm Team Edward all the way!

Have a great weekend!!!

MY LITTLE PICK ME UPS!

During my tantrum on Saturday, we went to Nordstrom Rack to return some kids shoes.  It didn't help my mood.  It isn't really a good idea when you are feeling down about your weight loss journey to go into a store with a lot of awesome clothes that WON'T fit your body!  It just fueled the pity party I was throwing for myself.

I'm a big lady, we all get that...but when I say that, I mean, I am big in EVERY way imaginable.  I am tall 5'11" to be exact (some measurements, which I reject, put me at 5'11 1/2")...which isn't really a problem, but I just want to paint the picture here... AND I have ENORMOUS feet.

I mean, come on God, couldn't you have balanced this situation out just a little by giving me feet that were a normal size so I could buy cute, dainty shoes????

When I say I have enormous feet, I am not kidding!  I wear either a 12 or a 13 in women's, depending on the brand, shoe, etc.  It is REALLY hard to find fashionable, nice looking shoes in those sizes...and it is so frustrating!  Not only are my feet big, but I have these freaky long toes...my "index" toe is so long that I typically have to buy shoes to accommodate it!

I usually wear flip flops...its just easier that way.

THE HUMANITY!

Anyway, I digress.  There we are, in Nordstrom Rack, and I decide to wander over to the shoe section.  They do tend to carry larger sizes of women's shoes and wanted to check out what was in stock.   Overall it was pretty disappointing...but then I saw these babies:

...And I fell in love - like teenage, smitten love.

SO out of character for me!  I mean, I am pretty vanilla when it comes to buying shoes:  Brown or black; No prints; flats (I don't typically rock a heel because I'm already tall).

BORING.

Well, Saturday in the midst of my melt down, I wanted to do something surprising, something CRAZY...and 4 INCH HEELS FIT THE BILL!  I picked them up and checked the price...$11.59!!! OK, How could I go wrong?? I mean, even if I never wore them, it was still worth $11.59 to feel like I was living la vida loca!!

I tried them on and teetered around the store to see if I could even tolerate a heel like this.  I have NEVER worn high heels like this.  I mean NEVER...I was surprised I could even take a step in them without collapsing!  My husband came over...he is 6'7"...and even though he didn't like me being so close to his height (PUH LEEZ) he told me to go for it.  So I did!

Today I wore them to work...and I loved every minute of it.  They made me feel VERY sassy, and I just LOVED standing next to the men in the office.  They became very nervous and fidgety...intimidated by my physical dominance...LOVED IT!

Even though it was totally out of character for me, I am so glad I bought them!!!  Sometimes it is nice to step outside the box and be just a little crazy!

And, yes, I will DEFINITELY be wearing these babies again soon!

My little pick me ups!!

IN OTHER NEWS...

My food intake this week is going well.  I did decide to make some minor adjustments.  I decided to up my calorie target to 1800, which is what I was targeting until a few weeks ago.  Over the course of the last 4 - 6 weeks I have drifted toward eating 1600 calories a day.  In the back of my mind, I thought I was ready to step down, but you know what, my results just haven't been as strong.

At my size, the recommended calorie intake is actually between 2000 - 2300 calories per day.  I tried that initially, but I just didn't find it to be effective...and I found myself looking for ways to eat more calories, even when I was full.  I just didn't think that was productive in changing habits, so I lowered my goal to a range of 1700 - 2000 calories, and I consistently came in at 1800 each day - it seemed natural.  I was really feeling satisfied and energetic at that target, and I was losing consistently.   I know there are a lot of factors that go into weight loss, and I have to tell you, I'm a believer that eating too few calories can be detrimental.  Anyway, I decided to experiment and see if it makes a difference.

I have been feeling under the weather this week so I didn't do much in the way of exercise on Monday and Tuesday...and no, that is not an excuse to get out of exercising.  I really don't want to lose momentum on the exercise front, so I am going to try getting back on the treadmill tonight.  Even if I only make it 15 minutes, I will consider it a win.

STRATEGIZING

As we all know, my weigh in on Saturday just didn't go the way I had expected it to.  I was disappointed, there was no question.

To say I dealt well with things would be a total lie.  To say I coped would also be a lie.  I didn't.  I basically threw the adult version of a tantrum...I pouted, I cried a little, I decided God hated me, I considered packing up the family and running away for a while...I mean, real rational, mature behaviors.

**INSERT ENORMOUS EYE ROLL HERE**

In the midst of my tantrum my sister came over.   I was sitting in the bedroom, pouting (although I tried to pretend I was doing something different) and she came in, like a whirlwind, and forced me to come over to her house to evaluate her current home improvement project.  While there, she gave me the 'Come to Jesus' talk that I was no doubt in need of.  She told me this:

"If you are going to have a melt down every single time the weigh in doesn't go in your favor on this journey, let me tell you right now, QUIT.  Because it's going to happen again - many times - and you are just going to make yourself, and everyone around you, miserable if you keep this up."

I wanted to be offended and outraged by her comments, but I knew that she was right.  Thank goodness I have a family who doesn't hold back and just says it like it is!

Now, I may have known that sister was right, but I still wasn't ready to be mature about it.  So I tucked her little talk into my mental back pocket and went on about my pouting and whining and immaturity.

**INSERT ANOTHER BIG EYE ROLL HERE**

After I left her house I went home and gathered up my family and we headed out for breakfast.  I was feeling defiant, and so breakfast turned into a binge eating session, and then at the movies - popcorn binge - and then a dinner  binge.

REALLY CONNIE!  This is how you are going to deal with this??? By binge eating.

I kept trying to justify to myself that I just needed a day off - I needed a break.

Uh huh.

 Just like an alcoholic gets a free day and gets to drink everything he or she wants for one day...and somehow they still manage to overcome their addiction - NO, YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE IT'S BS.  IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

If you are an addict you DO NOT, under any circumstance, turn to the substance you are addicted to for comfort!  YOU DON'T EVER DO IT!

MY NAME IS CONNIE HARRIS.  I AM A FOOD ADDICT.  AND ON SATURDAY I THOUGHT I COULD TURN TO FOOD FOR COMFORT AND IT WOULD BE NO BIG DEAL!!

MY NAME IS CONNIE HARRIS AND I LIE TO MYSELF!!

By the end of the day on Saturday I had consumed a whopping 3900 calories. I felt horrific spiritually, mentally and physically.  I thought "Is this really how you want to live your life?"  My answer was NO!! I  NEVER want to go back to the place where a 3900 calorie binge day is the norm.  Where feeling out of control, stuffed, and bloated is a common occurrence.

I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT PLACE.  I don't care if I never lose another pound.  I don't want to live like that.

So I decided to food journal - to hold myself accountable.  So, there in the ashes of my day of debauchery, I tracked all of the food I had eaten.  I was disgusted as I saw my calorie count climb higher and higher, and again, I made a decision that I was not going to go back to that way of living.

Then, from out of my mental back pocket I pulled my sister's 'Come to Jesus' speech from earlier - and I accepted it.  I knew that I had to be stronger than this.  I had to be better at weathering the storm.  I couldn't fall apart every time the scale didn't say what I wanted it to...because, seriously, how many times can an addict handle the melt down before they are right back in the grip of their addiction???  How many more times can I handle it before I am right back where I was 4 months ago???

NOT VERY MANY!!

In those moments I  also realized this - THIS is the reason people fail.  THIS is what makes weight loss hard as hell.  The unexplained plateaus, the inability to really predict what is going to happen on the scale.  There is no middle ground with the scale - you are either thrilled or you are plunged into despair.  And so, to make it, you have to force yourself to find your own middle ground - and that is ridiculously hard to do!!

Anyway, Sunday morning I got up an recommitted myself, not to my journey, but to my new lifestyle.  I wasn't going off the rails, I wasn't going back to the lifestyle I left behind on January 27, 2013.  I was moving forward, and I would find other reasons to keep doing it if the damn scale wouldn't give me one.  I got right back on track....and I logged 1737 calories for the day.  And I burned a boat load of calories working off my frustrations in my yard (who knew yard work was such a calorie burner???).

I felt better.  I felt focused.  I felt committed to this change.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do the next time I am disappointed by my weigh in...I won't lie and say I do.  But I do know this...

I AIN'T GOING BACK!!!!

And so I better damn well get a strategy.  And that's where I'm at...

STRATEGIZING.

IN OTHER NEWS...

This weekend we did go see Iron Man 3 - you guys, I have to tell you...I liked it, but I didn't LOVE it.  It was my least favorite of all three movies so far!!

I watched 'The Impossible' with Chris...my hell, talk about a movie that makes you stop and think.  For me, I walked away even more firm in my faith that miracles happen - and they aren't just coincidences.

We are in the midst of spring cleaning our yard.  We are trying to decide if we are going to put landscape rock in all of our flower beds.  I have resisted, because I REALLY love the dark, organic look of mulch or even dark bark...but we live in a really windy area and it just isn't practical.  So, I think I'm going to have to compromise and go for the rock.  UGH.  

I tried to cut my youngest daughter's hair this weekend.  I thought "hey, how hard can this be"...and so I found out.  Chris took one look at my handiwork and told me to get the kids in the car...we were going to Great Clips.  I have a renewed respect for hair stylists!!

05/04/13 - WEIGH IN & THE WEEKEND

Last night I finished my last 5K of the week.  It wasn't as easy as the night before...but that is probably because I went at a faster pace.  I finished in my best time of the week...69 minutes.  A pretty nice improvement from my times during the other races, which ranged from 73 - 77 minutes.

I was really glad to be done with the 5K's.  It was a challenging goal for me and I feel really good that I was able to achieve it.  Thanks for hanging in there with me through my ranting and raving about the walks...AND the pouting each night before I had to do it!

I had mentioned that we were going to shake things up with this last 5K.  We were going to walk it outside as a family, but I am suffering from some pretty nasty allergies right now and there was a bit of wind last night...so ultimately I decided to walk it inside and get caught up on the latest episode of Nashville.  I'm not loving that show right now...I think I may have to part ways.

WEIGH IN

This morning was my weigh in.  I was pretty excited because I had worked hard on the exercise side of things this week, AND had a really good week where my eating was concerned.  Imagine my utter disappointment when I stepped on the scale and saw this:

That, my friends, is a gain of .6 lbs. from last week.  I have no words.  I feel pretty devastated about it.

You know, people make weight loss seem like a simple equation...calories in calories out...but there is no way that is true because my calories in vs. out this week would NEVER lead to a gain.

So what the hell???

I'm frustrated, yes, I'm trying to focus on my other accomplishments this week:

• I worked out for 5 days...something I have NEVER done.
• I walked 5 5K's this week!!  I mean, that is awesome!
• I really did make good choices with my food, even trying out a new recipe that I thought was pretty darn good.

Still, the point of all of this is to see the scale go down...and the fact that it didn't...well, it sucks quite frankly.

Am I going to cry?  Probably...I won't even try to lie about it.  It's a blow.  If I can't lose weight after the week I just had...well, it makes my ultimate goal seem pretty far away.

Yep, I am going to call this my worst weigh in ever.  What a crappy way to start May!

THE WEEKEND

Seeing Iron Man 3...and from what I hear, I should expect to love it!!!

Hiking to Silver Lake in Big Cottonwood Canyon with some friends.  I am not sure what the weather is going to be like up there...but I'm hoping its good! 

Housecleaning...boo!  A necessary evil.

Yard work...boo!  Another necessary evil.

Other than that, hopefully some time to decompress and recharge my batteries for the week ahead!

Have a great one yourself!!

I OWNED NUMBER FOUR!

I owned number four last night.  OWNED IT!!

I got on that thing, covered EVERY clock that I might be able to lay my eyes on - including the treadmill display, and started walking.  I didn't let myself check my progress at all!

We watched Scandal and while I was walking...SERIOUSLY love that show - Fitz and Olivia are smoking hot!.  When the show ended I finally allowed myself to check my progress - 3.24 miles complete!  I overshot the 5K!  I couldn't believe it!  It had gone so smoothly!

It was the easiest of the four 5K's I've walked this week. My body didn't hurt, mentally I was in the zone, I was in a good mood for the entire walk - at one point even singing at the top of my lungs!  Maybe it was my mood, maybe it was my attitude...I don't know...all I know is I killed it!

Tonight is my final 5K of the week!  We will be shaking things up a bit with this one.  Should be interesting!!!

On another note, anyone going to see Iron Man 3 this weekend??  My husband has let me know in the plainest terms possible that we WOULD be going to see Iron Man 3.  I let him know I had no issue with that IF he walked my final 5K with me!  

He's in!

Truth is, I would have gone to see Tony Stark no matter what - LOVE HIM - but HEY, if I can leverage it to my advantage, all the better!

Weigh in tomorrow!  Have to admit, feeling nervous to face her.  I've really pushed it this week and I know it will disappoint me if I don't see results!

I THINK I REGRETTED IT.

My 5K last night was HELL ON EARTH!  Honestly, there is no other way to say it.  It was absolute misery, and by the time I finished I was in tears.

I thought about this quote a lot last night after I finished, and again this morning...

You know what, I kind of regretted it.  I might be the first person to say I regretted a workout!!

When I started my workout I wasn't feeling fantastic, but I chalked it up to a desire to avoid exercise and forged ahead anyway.  I gave Bonnie the talk, but Bonnie was feeling pretty ragged...and she wasn't responding well to my stern, directive tone.

I was STRUGGLING right from the get go.  I felt SO fatigued, and I just couldn't get my mind off how uncomfortable everything felt.  I was watching Parks and Recreation, which is such a captivating show usually, but even Ron Swanson couldn't get my mind off how miserable it all felt.  Well, OK...when Ron said that the best way to motivate an employee is through the use of  Money, Fear, and Hunger...I laughed my butt off (I'm in Human Resources, so I found it beyond hilarious) - and for a very brief moment I thought about something other than how horrible I felt.  But it was fleeting

At the 30 minute mark I was dragging.  My body hurt, my throat was dry, my sinuses hurt....it was ugly.  It was at about this point that I started to have horrible stomach pains.  GREAT!  It seemed fitting since the workout was going so smooth...NOT!

My stomach was really, really bothering me and when I reached the 2.33 mile mark and I finally had to stop for a few minutes to take a restroom break.

When I came back downstairs I thought about stopping - about not getting back on the treadmill - but I was more than half way there, and I was pretty darn determined to finish.  So I got back on.  I had .8 miles left to go, and it felt like the longest .8 miles I have ever walked in my life!  It was grueling.  Seriously grueling.  My stomach continued to cause me significant pain, I was hot and sweaty, at one point my knee started to hurt, and again with the dry throat and sinus issues.

MISERY.

I started to cry.  I'm sure it was quite a sight - me on the treadmill, in the dark, crying (though not hysterically, thankfully) while I walked my final .8 miles.  I wanted so badly to stop, but I was too close to finishing to let that happen...so I kept pushing, and eventually I finished. It was a miserable finish, but it was a finish nonetheless.

I have no idea how long it took me...but it felt like an eternity.

After I was done I limped my way upstairs to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed - and I cried.  Cried because I didn't feel good.  Cried because it was so hard, and I thought it should be getting easier.  Cried because I hate that damn treadmill.  It turned irrational...very irrational...I think you can sense that.  I just cried, and cried, and cried.

My stomach sick the rest of the night. I had upsetting dreams.  I woke up freezing cold several times. And when it was time to get up and get ready for work...I cried again.

UGH!

I finished that damn 5K last night, but I kind of regret it.  And now I feel like I have PTSD about my 5K tonight.  Every time I think about it I want to cry.   Oh, I'll do it, mark my word, but I'm not going to like it.  Not even a little bit.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE (Yes, there is one) - next week, exercising for just 30 minutes a day will feel like a cake walk!

ANOTHER 5K IN THE BAG!

I was absolutely dreading walking my 5K last night.  I mean DREADING it.  I don't know why - I wasn't sore, it hadn't been so physically taxing that I couldn't imagine doing it again...I just didn't want to do it!

Yes, these are the times I just have to force myself to do it.

I whined to Chris about not wanting to do it, and here is how he responded:

"You're a bum Rock!  A bum!  You can't even catch a chicken!"

LOL!  I love that my husband's tactic to motivate me to get up and do my 5K is to shout a line from Rocky at me!  What is even funnier...IT WORKED!

I got up and got on the treadmill.

We wanted to watch the season finale of 'Bones' and I was so immersed in it that I was shocked when I checked my progress and found that I had been walking for 30 minutes!  The first half hour FLEW by!  I mean FLEW by!  I couldn't believe how fast it had gone by.  THANK GOODNESS FOR SMALL MIRACLES!

After the 30 minute mark, it started to get more difficult - I swear because I looked at how much time had elapsed - and I had to pull out the Bonnie / Connie talk.  It helped.  It really did.  I was able to get better focused and before I knew it Booth was telling Bones that he didn't want to marry her (seriously, this woman is supposed to be a genius!  HOW could she not see through this!!) and the show was ending.  I was at the 1 hour mark!

BIG. SIGH. OF. RELIEF!

I knew I had about 13 minutes left - and I started thinking about that - a lot...and that made it oh so hard to keep going!!!  FINALLY, when I had about 5 minutes left I couldn't take it any more so I jacked the speed up on my treadmill to 3.6 so I could finish!  I was SO surprised that I was able to keep up at that pace AND not feel like I was going to fall off the treadmill (an absolute terror of mine) OR feel like I was going to collapse for over doing it.  I don't think I could walk the whole 5K at that pace - I know I couldn't, but it was nice to know I could do it for just a few minutes!

When my treadmill finally read 3.11 miles I was so ready to be done!  I wildly slapped at the stop button, hitting it over and over again...I was serious about being done!!  Well, my mania to get the treadmill stopped resulted in my end of workout results being erased from the treadmill display.  I was crushed.  CRUSHED! I really like to be able to take a picture of my workout results - having that photographic evidence that I really did it!

Even though I have no proof that I did it - well, except the eyewitness accounts of my husband, my two daughters, my niece and her friend Talon (who came down unexpectedly while I was doing my workout in my sports bra - I'm sure THAT was a treat for him) - I did it!

Two down, three to go!  GET READY BONNIE!  YOU WILL BEND TO MY WILL!

A CHALLENGE

Wendy at Fitness Frog turned me onto this challenge...and MAN, I'm in!!!  What a great way to stay focused by making small goals each week!


















With so much weight to lose, I absolutely have to stay focused on small goals.  If I focus on the big number...it just overwhelms me.  So, this is a great challenge that, for me personally, will keep me thinking about small goals every week.

Obviously, my goal this week is....

WALK A 5K EVERY WEEK DAY!!!  

Thanks Wendy for turning me onto this challenge AND to Operation Skinny Jeans.