SPIRIT NIGHT

Last night was "spirit night" at the local Panda Express.  On spirit night the restaurant participating provides 20% of food purchases to the local elementary school.  Of course, my kids were dying to go and support their school (Uh huh - they wanted Panda, let's face it).  At first I was really hesitant because I am only a few days back on track, but in the end we decided to go.

I recently read a post by Katie @ Runs for Cookies that has really colored the way I am looking at this new attempt at reaching my goal weight.  Katie said that when she accepted that she was only going to make changes that she could live with forever she was finally able to lose the weight and achieve her goal weight. The post is fantastic and I would really encourage anyone struggling with weight loss / fitness to check it out.

Last night, as I thought about eating at Panda, I thought about Katie's post - and I realized I am not willing to give up eating out.  I am just not.  BUT, I am willing to limit it AND I am willing to make good choices.  And so, with that in mind, to Panda I went.  And you know what, I made great choices!  I ate mixed veggies, mushroom chicken and firecracker chicken, for a total of 420 calories.  I passed up the pot stickers (if you had any idea how much I love pot stickers, you would know what a MAJOR accomplishment it was) and a soda.  When we left, I felt satisfied physically and mentally.  It felt good.

After Panda we headed to McDonald's for a small vanilla cone (again, a runs for cookies idea) - it was the perfect ending, and again, I felt really satisfied.

I had planned to get a workout in last night, but some other important things came up that had to be taken care of.  Tonight I MUST work out.  It has been 2 days since I worked out and I can feel my desire and motivation fading quick.  It is so hard to build up a new habit, especially when it feels so miserable - which it does right now because my body is so overweight and out of shape - but the only thing to do to change it is FORCE the workout.  So, I am going to walk on the treadmill and maybe do a little Just Dance tonight.

All in all, still going well.  Food tracking - CHECK, staying in calorie range (1700 - 2000) CHECK, drinking water - CHECK, avoiding soda like the plague - CHECK.  I can't give exercise a check just yet - goal is 5 - 30 minute workouts each week.  This week I have logged 2...so, I have to workout today, tomorrow and Saturday and then I will be able to give it a CHECK.

5 days in...it will be over before I know it, right!!!!

STILL ON TRACK

I am thrilled that I am still on track. Yes, it is only day four, but hey, when you are taking it one day at a time...every day is a mini celebration!

So, here is my latest.  I am obsessed with Just Dance 4.  Am I good at it, No, No I am not.  In fact, I suck at it...AND, I look incredibly ridiculous when I am doing it...I have proof, believe me - it records you at certain points during the game and so you get to witness the ridiculousness that is.  But, here is the thing: I don't care!  I am having so much fun playing it that I don't even care that my arm and belly fat is flapping around and probably presenting a hazard to those in the near vicinity. I LOVE IT.  On Monday I played for 45 minutes!  45 MINUTES!!!!  It is a workout and I am sweating like a mad woman, and I am loving it!!!

Tonight I am going to try out Just Dance Disney!  I will let you know if it is as rigorous.

Maybe this is the key to get me moving. Make it fun!  I did walk on the treadmill on Monday as well - 40 minutes, and it felt like torture.  But 45 minutes of JD4 flew by so fast and I had a blast doing it.  

In all of my prior weight loss attempts I have failed to make exercise a key part of my plan, but this time I am trying to do that right from the get go.  It is hard - it really is.  Trying to find the time, making it a priority - it taxes me.  But I am trying.  I am also trying not to worry about being perfect - i.e. "I only averaged 2.5 mph on the treadmill today, that should be above 3 at least - I have to remind myself that I am out of shape and carrying SO MUCH extra weight.  Any exercise is good, and I need to stop worrying about how far, how fast, etc.  I am just trying to give myself credit for doing it.

Food has been going well.  I am using Sparkpeople to track  again - which I really like.  I don't think my meals are creative or inspired, but again - I can't worry about perfection here...I just need to worry about moving forward   This week the meals have been Quick Paella (OK, that was a little inspired - and it was good), Tacos, and Fish & Chips. Clearly nothing mind blowing, but they are home cooked meals and every calorie is accounted for.  Last night I even whipped out the kitchen scale  - an absolute must because I have no ability to eyeball measurements/weights/etc.  

My water consumption is fantastic - man, get that crappy soda out of my way and I can't stop guzzling water!  I am hitting 10 - 12 cups of water every day - sometimes more.  My body is definitely happy that the soda is out and the water is in.

I'm feeling good, on day 4.  I am praying I will be able to say the same on day 364!!

SOMETHING FELT DIFFERENT

Yesterday I woke up and something felt different.  Some little glimmer of motivation was there that hasn't been there for quite a while. I felt like I wanted to try.  I felt like it was possible to have the healthy body and lifestyle that I truly want.

So....I decided to go with it.

Rather than have Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast, I opted for a Weight Loss shake and a banana.  I walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes.  I tracked all my food for the day.  I engaged in fun, active activities with my kids - JUST DANCE 4 - KILLER WORK OUT!  You BET I logged JD4 time as part of my workout!!!

Was it a perfect day, no.  It wasn't.  I don't expect I will have too many of those.  BUT, it was a good day. AND for the first time in a very long time I felt good.  I felt like I accomplished something.  I felt like I might actually get there.  I saw myself on a cruise -  lean and healthy and able to participate in a whole different way.  I saw myself running on the treadmill and really pushing my body.  It was weird.  These thoughts were just popping into my head, and I knew I could do it.

As always, I know there will be a day that this glimmer, this hope and motivation, will fade and I will NOT feel like pushing forward.  I still have to figure out what to do when that moment hits - because it has definitely derailed me many, many, many times.  BUT, I am not going to let that get me down - I refuse to focus on past failures right now.  Today I am going to let the glimmer take over and push me forward - and I am going to celebrate what is going right!  And here is a list of what really IS going right...

• In January, I gave up Coke and all soda - again.  It was hard, and I once again realized that soda is my Kryptonite.  I CANNOT drink soda.  It does me in...and Coke, well forget about it.  I am an addict and once I start drinking that stuff all my bad habits creep back in.   I have to face the fact that for me there will be no moderation where drinking soda and especially Coke  is concerned.  I just have to bid it farewell - FOREVER. I am 3 weeks into forever!! 
• January 27, 2013 - I tracked what I ate.  I worked out - 50 minutes!! (yes, that includes my crazy Just Dance 4).  I made a delicious dinner that I was proud of (Quick Paella - damn, those shrimp were so good - and I don't even like shrimp).  
• My house is mostly clean.  My family is pulling together to keep it that way. I feel so happy when I walk in I don't even know what to do with myself!
• We are having more and more family activity time...and I love it.  There is such a noticeable difference in how we behave and act with each other when we just take the time to play and have fun with each other.

I am focusing on the positive, and trying my best to banish the negative. 

It feels good.

STARTING AGAIN

It feels pretty crappy to come to this blog and write the words "starting again".  And all I can think is "how many more years will I come here, to this little old blog of mine, in January and write these same words...HOW MANY MORE TIMES?".

Did you know that I want to have another baby?  Did you know that I can't because I am fat and I can't realistically do it at this weight.  I am 38 years old.  My years of having another baby are coming quickly to a close.  But, here I am...all wanting to have another baby and such, but not being able to...because I am fat.  My best friend just found out that she is pregnant...but me, probably won't ever happen again...and that is sad.  Something BIG that I have lost to being fat.  Something BIG that my whole family has lost to my obesity.

There are so many things that I have recently started to realize are affected by my weight, but honestly, I don't want to record them all here today.  I just don't.

What I want to say is that I am starting again.  And that I feel scared that I will never be able to do this -  that it just isn't in me to be able to do what needs to be done.

I want to put myself in a bubble.  Cut myself off from everyone and everything.  Go to work, come home and be with my family and focus on this weight loss thing. Maybe I really need to do that for a while - I don't know.  I need to remove distractions.  Remove uncomfortable situations for the time being.  Allow myself to get traction.

I want to be thin.

And healthy.

I want to shop for clothes in ANY DAMN STORE I CHOOSE!

I want to sleep in a hotel room and not wake up with every inch of my body aching because the bed isn't really great for obese me.

I want to go to a basketball game.  A wrestling event.  ANY EVENT in a stadium OR an arena and sit in the seat and fit!  I don't want to even have to think twice about whether or not I will fit!

I want to go to a theater and see a play, a musical, a concert...any damn thing I want... and fit in the seat without walking out with bruises all over my belly, hips and thighs.

I want to be able to get on an airplane without even a second thought about whether or not I will need a seat belt extender, whether my arm rest will go down, whether or not I will encroach on the person next to me.  I want to soar into the friendly skies and just enjoy the experience!

I want to go on a vacation and not worry about packing EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING REQUIRED, because I can actually go shopping and find things that will fit.  Hell, I want to buy something that doesn't require me to go to the internet to make the damn purchase!

I want to walk a mile in less than 15 minutes...hell, less than 25 would be nice right now.

I want to feel like I am the woman I deserve to be.

I want to feel like I am the wife my husband deserves to have.

I want to feel like I am the Mom my kids deserve to have.

I want to do this.  I really do.

But, talk is cheap.  I should know.  I have been talking about this for years!!!  But, here I sit, on January 22, 2013 weighing in at somewhere around 425 lbs. So, yeah, talk is cheap.  And know this...I hate that BS that skinny people spout "if you really wanted this, you would do it"...Look, I really want it....I really, really do! But sometimes making the hard choice is harder than you think!  Sometimes it feels impossible.

Last year around this time I wrote that I needed to take things one day at a time.  Needed to focus only on the day.  Not worry about tomorrow, or 3 months from now, or 1 year from now.  I need to take my own advice - it was sage advice.

So, that is what I am going to do.  Start Again.  Take it one day at a time.

Track
Exercise
Stop eating fast food
Stop drinking soda

..and hope...because I have to.