Over the weekend I had a realization. I realized that it was time for my detour to end. It was BEYOND time for it to end.
I realized it was time to RECALCULATE MY ROUTE.
I have been struggling with weight loss for so many years, and although I have had some victories, I have had far more failures. It is difficult. Far more difficult than I want it to be. Far more difficult than most can understand. Being obese presents a whole new set of challenges where weight loss is concerned. And being super obese makes it even harder - in fact, many statistics say it is near impossible. GREAT!
I am super obese - no secret there, I think we established that with my very first post on this blog. As much as I want to be able to say that I can overcome this, it is hard to look at my track record and believe it. It is hard to look at the plight of others in my situation and believe that anything can be done (even those with a celebrity trainer fail sometimes). IN FACT, over the years and through all of the attempted diets, exercise kicks, etc. I have just ended up getting bigger and bigger.
So, no, it isn't working. And when I try again, OF COURSE the specter of the many failures I have endured is constantly there - reminding me that I have failed, and have failed frequently. Reminding me that this attempt probably won't be any different, so why bother!!
I watch shows like Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and see these people lose massive amounts of weight - but let's be real - They are dedicating all of their time and energy to it. They take time off work, or don't work at all, or quit their jobs. The last EMWLE I watched had a nanny available for 3 months during 'the journey'!!!
Look - I am a wife and a mother - and a working one at that! In addition, I have a home to keep - and I believe wholeheartedly that my home is my families' temple - our refuge from the world, and I'm not willing to let it go to hell. The fact is, I don't have the luxury of working out 4 hours a day, or hiring a nanny or quitting my job or letting my house go to pot. Even if I did, I would feel HORRIBLE if I did. I am not willing to sacrifice those things. So, spending 1 year dedicated to 4 hour workouts and 1500 calorie diets just isn't in my future.
IT IS NOT IN MY FUTURE.
I am also unwilling to spend one more dollar of mine or my husband's hard earned money on a weight loss program. I have tried them all!!! Jenny Craig - CHECK, Weight Watchers - CHECK, Atkins - CHECK, Suzanne Somers - CHECK, Nutrisystem - CHECK, The Diet Center - CHECK, LA Weight Loss - CHECK. The reality is they are businesses designed to make money. AND, their success rate - ABYSSMAL. I am not saying that those programs are bad, or that they don't work. I'm saying that the failure rate for participants is HUGE. AND, I have failed at every single one of them. So, no, I am not going back to any of them. I won't give our money away any more.
Ok, so I know what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. So, again, what will make another attempt at weight loss different??
I DON'T KNOW!!! I have no freaking idea.
But what I can say, is that I am not willing to quit trying. Honestly, I may try and fail a million times...I may get to the end of my life and never reach this goal. BUT, I will never stop trying. And at least I will be able to say that I never gave up.
- So, I am recalculating my route. I am getting back on track.
- Wednesday night I hit the gym, Thursday morning too. (It was sad, friends, sad. BUT, I did it. I walked slow, and I sweated like I was running a marathon - while in reality I was whopping at the breakneck speed of 2.4 on the treadmill, but I did it!)
- I haven't had Coke to drink since Tuesday. (Oh, the headaches)
- I cooked dinner at home yesterday and the day before. (Did I cook light, no, but I did cook at home and that is a huge step)
- I brought my lunch to work today.
I AM TRYING. And for the moment, I am back on course.
Will I get off course again? ODDS ARE I WILL
Will I make a wrong turn? MY HISTORY SAYS I WILL
BUT, I won't stop trying.
So, I guess what I want you to know is that this blog may never be about me actually reaching my goal....I desperately hope so, but I can't guarantee it.
What I can guarantee is this...this blog will document a journey - a spirit that refuses to give up. It will be HONEST and document the FIGHT, the STRUGGLE, the UPS and DOWNS, the FAILURES and SUCCESSES.
I hope that is enough to keep you interested. If not, I understand. There are blogs out there with fantastic success stories - I read many of them, some are my absolute favorites. RUNS FOR COOKIES - ADORE!
This blog may never be that kind of success story - BUT, it will tell a story - a valuable one at that. It will be my story - the good, the bad and the ugly.