It feels pretty crappy to come to this blog and write the words "starting again". And all I can think is "how many more years will I come here, to this little old blog of mine, in January and write these same words...HOW MANY MORE TIMES?".
Did you know that I want to have another baby? Did you know that I can't because I am fat and I can't realistically do it at this weight. I am 38 years old. My years of having another baby are coming quickly to a close. But, here I am...all wanting to have another baby and such, but not being able to...because I am fat. My best friend just found out that she is pregnant...but me, probably won't ever happen again...and that is sad. Something BIG that I have lost to being fat. Something BIG that my whole family has lost to my obesity.
There are so many things that I have recently started to realize are affected by my weight, but honestly, I don't want to record them all here today. I just don't.
What I want to say is that I am starting again. And that I feel scared that I will never be able to do this - that it just isn't in me to be able to do what needs to be done.
I want to put myself in a bubble. Cut myself off from everyone and everything. Go to work, come home and be with my family and focus on this weight loss thing. Maybe I really need to do that for a while - I don't know. I need to remove distractions. Remove uncomfortable situations for the time being. Allow myself to get traction.
I want to be thin.
I want to shop for clothes in ANY DAMN STORE I CHOOSE!
I want to sleep in a hotel room and not wake up with every inch of my body aching because the bed isn't really great for obese me.
I want to go to a basketball game. A wrestling event. ANY EVENT in a stadium OR an arena and sit in the seat and fit! I don't want to even have to think twice about whether or not I will fit!
I want to go to a theater and see a play, a musical, a concert...any damn thing I want... and fit in the seat without walking out with bruises all over my belly, hips and thighs.
I want to be able to get on an airplane without even a second thought about whether or not I will need a seat belt extender, whether my arm rest will go down, whether or not I will encroach on the person next to me. I want to soar into the friendly skies and just enjoy the experience!
I want to go on a vacation and not worry about packing EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING REQUIRED, because I can actually go shopping and find things that will fit. Hell, I want to buy something that doesn't require me to go to the internet to make the damn purchase!
I want to walk a mile in less than 15 minutes...hell, less than 25 would be nice right now.
I want to feel like I am the woman I deserve to be.
I want to feel like I am the wife my husband deserves to have.
I want to feel like I am the Mom my kids deserve to have.
I want to do this. I really do.
But, talk is cheap. I should know. I have been talking about this for years!!! But, here I sit, on January 22, 2013 weighing in at somewhere around 425 lbs. So, yeah, talk is cheap. And know this...I hate that BS that skinny people spout "if you really wanted this, you would do it"...Look, I really want it....I really, really do! But sometimes making the hard choice is harder than you think! Sometimes it feels impossible.
Last year around this time I wrote that I needed to take things one day at a time. Needed to focus only on the day. Not worry about tomorrow, or 3 months from now, or 1 year from now. I need to take my own advice - it was sage advice.
So, that is what I am going to do. Start Again. Take it one day at a time.
Stop eating fast food
Stop drinking soda
..and hope...because I have to.