Today I wanted to eat a greasy, fattening, burger at a little hole in the wall Greek restaurant about 25 miles away. Seriously, I was pretty much ready to hop in the car and drive 25 miles to buy something I knew was bad for me and would certainly NOT help me get any closer to my ultimate goal. In fact, I KNEW that eating that burger would definitely drag me off course, make me feel bad AND make it more difficult to refocus on the journey I NEED to take!!
YET, that burger seemed pretty darn appealing to me. PRETTY, DARN APPEALING!
Clearly, the craving was overwhelming, and honestly, it came out of nowhere! I haven't thought about that little restaurant for a very, very long time! I haven't eaten there for over 2 years!
So why now? Why today??
Honestly, if that little hole in the wall Greek restaurant had been ANY closer, I would have been sunk. I would be knee deep in burger. And honestly, that makes me a little sad. So sad to know how weak I can be, knowing the consequences.
I KNOW what the right answer is! I am a bright girl! I know that eating the burger will be a fleeting pleasure!!
I KNOW what I am trying to achieve and all the reasons I want it...badly!
I KNOW that ultimately eating that damn hamburger will make me sad! AND that making the decision NOT to eat that hamburger will bring me FAR greater happiness in the long run. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
In spite of my strong conviction about what will ultimately make me happy and what will bring me a fair amount of strife and sadness, I was still willing to entertain and consider eating that hamburger today.
Sure, that hamburger is going to taste good...for the 15 minutes it will take me to eat it. But after, AFTER...
Is that worth it!!!
HELL NO IT IS NOT! NOT EVEN A LITTLE!
But yet, there it is, the craving, the temptation - and more often than I care to admit, it wins. THE HAMBURGER WINS! And when the hamburger wins, we know who is really winning, don't we??
I didn't get to 429 lbs. without letting the cravings and the temptations win....without eating the hamburger...clearly I consumed a whole lot of burgers. But then, there I was...at 429 lbs. Fat, sick and tired.
AND THEN WHAT!!!
Ah, yes, the journey back. The journey that feels insurmountable!!! There is also the absolute realization that THERE WAS A CHOICE IN IT ALL!!! That the hamburger didn't have to win, that this insurmountable journey I now have to take wasn't necessary. I CHOSE IT! I LET THE HAMBURGER WIN!! And again, I know who I really let win...right!
Why is this journey so hard? Why do I even consider bad choices, when I know they won't make me happy? Why is it so hard to stay on the path, even though when I am on the path I feel better mentally, physically and spiritually!!!
I am a better me when I am on the path!!
And when I am a better me I am a better mother, wife, friend, colleague...I allow the light that is within me to shine SO MUCH BRIGHTER!!! And at the end of the day, honestly, I want that light to consume me!!
...and we know where that light is coming from, right???
The path is EASIER!!! It really is!! So why do I want to take detours!!!
I don't have an answer.
All I know, is today, I am not eating that hamburger.
DAMN THE HAMBURGER!!
I'm better than the hamburger. There is so much more waiting for me - happiness that right now I can't quite imagine...happiness, freedom, energy...LIGHT! So today, today I am holding out for those things...
DAMN THE HAMBURGER!!