Tired of laundry
Tired of cleaning
Tired of yard work
Tired of church
Tired of work
Tired of budgets
And yes, tired of weight loss
I just feel exhausted by it all right now. I feel burned out. I feel tired of constantly worrying about so many things, putting so many demands on myself, and constantly feeling like I'm coming up a little short.
I'm also tired of feeling like I HAVE to do something. I want to feel like I have some choice in what I spend my time and energy on - right now, I don't feel that is the case.
Also, I am tired of feeling EXPECTED to do something. Seriously, if one more well-intentioned person gives me the line about being around for my daughters' weddings, I will explode.
LOOK, being fat is not a death sentence - yes, yes...I know on Biggest Loser they make it seem like life is gloomy and that every fat person in America is just moments away from the grave - but we aren't. I am NOT at death's doorstep. There are so many health issues out there and being fat is but one. I don't smoke! I don't drink alcohol AT ALL! I don't take drugs!! I don't drink coffee! And normally, I don't even drink caffeine! I live a fairly clean life. Does my nutrition & exercise need to improve, hell yes...but when do I get credit for the things I do right!!! WHEN!!!
My doctor told me that my risk of a cardiac event or stroke is incredibly small - 1) I am a female 2) I have no immediate family history of heart attack or stroke 3) I don't smoke or drink...he told me that I should stop worrying about it and in fact said that my worrying is probably more of a risk factor for issues in my life than the damn weight I am carrying around!!
I have a full life. I like me! When I look in the mirror, I like the person looking back. I like my hazel eyes, I like my hair, I like my skin (that BTW has remained fairly wrinkle free thanks in no small part to an extra layer or two of fat). I LIKE MY CURVES!!! Do I wish I was thinner, of course!! But doesn't everyone wish something was different about themselves??? If I never make it to the end of my journey I will still be of worth! My value isn't tied up in my weight. All my accomplishments in this life won't be wiped out because I didn't reach 165 lbs. And if there is some a**hole out there who feels like I am somehow less of a person because I stayed fat - they can go pound sand.
I haven't given up on my journey, I really haven't. It is important to me and I do want to do it. I just have to get through whatever is making me feel so burned out - making me feel completely apathetic to the whole situation, and many other things in my life right now.
I need it to feel like a choice, rather than a requirement.
Stay tuned, don't give up on me. I'm wading through it all - I'm still climbing - I'm just going a little slower right now.