Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I have felt tired lately - really tired.  Tired of all of the demands on my time and attention.  Tired of feeling like I HAVE to do something...tired of feeling like I don't have a choice.

Tired of laundry
Tired of cleaning
Tired of yard work
Tired of church
Tired of work
Tired of budgets
And yes, tired of weight loss 

I just feel exhausted by it all right now.  I feel burned out.  I feel tired of constantly worrying about so many things, putting so many demands on myself, and constantly feeling like I'm coming up a little short.

I'm also tired of feeling like I HAVE to do something.  I want to feel like I have some choice in what I spend my time and energy on - right now, I don't feel that is the case.

Also, I am tired of feeling EXPECTED to do something.  Seriously, if one more well-intentioned person gives me the line about being around for my daughters' weddings, I will explode.

LOOK, being fat is not a death sentence - yes, yes...I know on Biggest Loser they make it seem like life is gloomy and that every fat person in America is just moments away from the grave - but we aren't.   I am NOT at death's doorstep.  There are so many health issues out there and being fat is but one.  I don't smoke!  I don't drink alcohol AT ALL!  I don't take drugs!! I don't drink coffee!  And normally, I don't even drink caffeine!  I live a fairly clean life.  Does my nutrition & exercise need to improve, hell yes...but when do I get credit for the things I do right!!! WHEN!!! 

My doctor told me that my risk of a cardiac event or stroke is incredibly small - 1) I am a female 2) I have no immediate family history of heart attack or stroke 3) I don't smoke or drink...he told me that I should stop worrying about it and in fact said that my worrying is probably more of a risk factor for issues in my life than the damn weight I am carrying around!!

I have a full life.  I like me!  When I look in the mirror, I like the person looking back.  I like my hazel eyes, I like my hair, I like my skin (that BTW has remained fairly wrinkle free thanks in no small part to an extra layer or two of fat).  I LIKE MY CURVES!!!  Do I wish I was thinner, of course!!  But doesn't everyone wish something was different about themselves???   If I never make it to the end of my journey I will still be of worth! My value isn't tied up in my weight.  All my accomplishments in this life won't be wiped out because I didn't reach 165 lbs.  And if there is some a**hole out there who feels like I am somehow less of a person because I stayed fat - they can go pound sand.

I haven't given up on my journey, I really haven't.  It is important to me and I do want to do it.  I just have to get through whatever is making me feel so burned out - making me feel completely apathetic to the whole situation, and many other things in my life right now.  

I need it to feel like a choice, rather than a requirement.  

Stay tuned, don't give up on me.  I'm wading through it all - I'm still climbing - I'm just going a little slower right now.


  1. Amen! You should like yourself. If you choose to lose weight it should be a gift you give yourself because you like yourself not an ordeal you inflict upon yourself so that you can like yourself. It's okay to be tired. I totally agree about the worry!

  2. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. : ( I hope nothing I said in our group added to your frustration, that was not my intention at all. Please do not feel like you HAVE to participate in our challenge or even our group. We would hate to lose you from the group we love having you with us, but if its part of what's making you feel bogged down then cut us! lol : )

    You are worth so much more than you will ever know...no matter the number on the scale! : ) (HUGS)

  3. The effort to live a healthy lifestyle is always a choice. Being thin and healthy isn't the measure of all your successes; it's not even a competition that has to completed in a specific timeframe. Making these choices is for your benefit and for the benefit of those around you. It shouldn't feel like a requirement. I think that kind of perspective is what makes it feel overwhelming. A slow climb sounds good - as long as you're still climbing :) Good luck!

  4. This reminded me of one of my favorite posts by another blogger, Jen, talking about how much of a pain in the butt losing weight is: http://seejenroerun.blogspot.com/2012/04/pain-in-ass-warning-another-rant.html

  5. I'm very glad to see that you're pulling through. One thing I’ve found to be extremely helpful
    and useful as a supplement to my current diet/exercise plan is Fullbar (www.fullbar.com). Not only do their products help you lose weight, they help you maintain your weight loss.