It has been 5 days since my weigh in.
I have recovered.
The stark reality is I will have many set backs on this journey. As much as I want this to be a smooth, bump free ride...I know it won't be. And I need to be ready for it. I can't melt down every time things don't go my way.
My melt down on Saturday lasted about 3 hours. I cried. I cried a lot.
It may be hard to understand why...it may even seem ridiculous to some.
Let me try to explain.
When a mountaineer is climbing Mt. Everest there is nothing more devastating than having to go backward on a journey that REQUIRES you to go forward. Every step backward is another step forward you have to take on an already grueling journey...a journey that is literally life and death. And each time it happens, it puts the ultimate goal of reaching the summit in jeopardy. Going backward is overwhelming, almost crushingly so. And in those moments when the mountaineer goes backward, the mountain starts to win. Let me tell you, if you have ever watched any of those Mt. Everest documentaries, you know the mountain wins A LOT!
Having to lose 265 lbs. is DEFINITELY the Mt. Everest of weight loss. Every step backward on my climb to the 265 lbs. summit puts my journey at risk...it puts the mountain in control, even if it is only for a moment. But in that moment, when the mountain gets the upper hand, giving up seems so much easier - it is appealing.
So, on Saturday as I sat there crying...mourning the step backward...I felt for a moment like the mountain was winning. That it would get the best of me. All I could think was "I can't do this...I cannot lose 265 lbs. on my own. I'm not capable. I will fail...again. It's easier that way."
It hurt. It hurt a lot. Both mentally and physically.
Something inside me battled back, pushed me to take a step forward, to keep the journey on track. Instead of wallowing, I got up, put on my 1140's, hit the street and walked a mile. Later that night, I walked another 1.7 miles.
It felt good.
Even though I am moving forward, I won't lie and say that this week has been easy.
Although I have stayed on program, I have felt less passionate and less motivated. There hasn't been a lot of drive.
My workouts have suffered. I've only made it out once, and that workout was sub-standard. I only made it 1.1 miles. I walked on an indoor track, and I hated it. It was boring...all I could think about was how many times I had gone around and how many more times I needed to go. There was no scenery. There were no elevation changes. It was flat, ugly and boring.
And, I am dreading the scale on Saturday. DREADING IT. But, failing to weigh in is not an option. For me, failing to weigh in is the first step in a pattern of failure that I have repeated oh so many times. I can't let it happen.
I have to face it no matter what.
I have to summit. I have to. This mountain cannot win.
So, forward I will go.