To say I dealt well with things would be a total lie. To say I coped would also be a lie. I didn't. I basically threw the adult version of a tantrum...I pouted, I cried a little, I decided God hated me, I considered packing up the family and running away for a while...I mean, real rational, mature behaviors.
**INSERT ENORMOUS EYE ROLL HERE**
In the midst of my tantrum my sister came over. I was sitting in the bedroom, pouting (although I tried to pretend I was doing something different) and she came in, like a whirlwind, and forced me to come over to her house to evaluate her current home improvement project. While there, she gave me the 'Come to Jesus' talk that I was no doubt in need of. She told me this:
"If you are going to have a melt down every single time the weigh in doesn't go in your favor on this journey, let me tell you right now, QUIT. Because it's going to happen again - many times - and you are just going to make yourself, and everyone around you, miserable if you keep this up."
I wanted to be offended and outraged by her comments, but I knew that she was right. Thank goodness I have a family who doesn't hold back and just says it like it is!
Now, I may have known that sister was right, but I still wasn't ready to be mature about it. So I tucked her little talk into my mental back pocket and went on about my pouting and whining and immaturity.
**INSERT ANOTHER BIG EYE ROLL HERE**
After I left her house I went home and gathered up my family and we headed out for breakfast. I was feeling defiant, and so breakfast turned into a binge eating session, and then at the movies - popcorn binge - and then a dinner binge.
REALLY CONNIE! This is how you are going to deal with this??? By binge eating.
I kept trying to justify to myself that I just needed a day off - I needed a break.
Just like an alcoholic gets a free day and gets to drink everything he or she wants for one day...and somehow they still manage to overcome their addiction - NO, YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE IT'S BS. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.
If you are an addict you DO NOT, under any circumstance, turn to the substance you are addicted to for comfort! YOU DON'T EVER DO IT!
MY NAME IS CONNIE HARRIS. I AM A FOOD ADDICT. AND ON SATURDAY I THOUGHT I COULD TURN TO FOOD FOR COMFORT AND IT WOULD BE NO BIG DEAL!!
MY NAME IS CONNIE HARRIS AND I LIE TO MYSELF!!
By the end of the day on Saturday I had consumed a whopping 3900 calories. I felt horrific spiritually, mentally and physically. I thought "Is this really how you want to live your life?" My answer was NO!! I NEVER want to go back to the place where a 3900 calorie binge day is the norm. Where feeling out of control, stuffed, and bloated is a common occurrence.
I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT PLACE. I don't care if I never lose another pound. I don't want to live like that.
So I decided to food journal - to hold myself accountable. So, there in the ashes of my day of debauchery, I tracked all of the food I had eaten. I was disgusted as I saw my calorie count climb higher and higher, and again, I made a decision that I was not going to go back to that way of living.
Then, from out of my mental back pocket I pulled my sister's 'Come to Jesus' speech from earlier - and I accepted it. I knew that I had to be stronger than this. I had to be better at weathering the storm. I couldn't fall apart every time the scale didn't say what I wanted it to...because, seriously, how many times can an addict handle the melt down before they are right back in the grip of their addiction??? How many more times can I handle it before I am right back where I was 4 months ago???
NOT VERY MANY!!
In those moments I also realized this - THIS is the reason people fail. THIS is what makes weight loss hard as hell. The unexplained plateaus, the inability to really predict what is going to happen on the scale. There is no middle ground with the scale - you are either thrilled or you are plunged into despair. And so, to make it, you have to force yourself to find your own middle ground - and that is ridiculously hard to do!!
Anyway, Sunday morning I got up an recommitted myself, not to my journey, but to my new lifestyle. I wasn't going off the rails, I wasn't going back to the lifestyle I left behind on January 27, 2013. I was moving forward, and I would find other reasons to keep doing it if the damn scale wouldn't give me one. I got right back on track....and I logged 1737 calories for the day. And I burned a boat load of calories working off my frustrations in my yard (who knew yard work was such a calorie burner???).
I felt better. I felt focused. I felt committed to this change.
I honestly don't know what I'm going to do the next time I am disappointed by my weigh in...I won't lie and say I do. But I do know this...
I AIN'T GOING BACK!!!!
And so I better damn well get a strategy. And that's where I'm at...
IN OTHER NEWS...
This weekend we did go see Iron Man 3 - you guys, I have to tell you...I liked it, but I didn't LOVE it. It was my least favorite of all three movies so far!!
I watched 'The Impossible' with Chris...my hell, talk about a movie that makes you stop and think. For me, I walked away even more firm in my faith that miracles happen - and they aren't just coincidences.
We are in the midst of spring cleaning our yard. We are trying to decide if we are going to put landscape rock in all of our flower beds. I have resisted, because I REALLY love the dark, organic look of mulch or even dark bark...but we live in a really windy area and it just isn't practical. So, I think I'm going to have to compromise and go for the rock. UGH.
I tried to cut my youngest daughter's hair this weekend. I thought "hey, how hard can this be"...and so I found out. Chris took one look at my handiwork and told me to get the kids in the car...we were going to Great Clips. I have a renewed respect for hair stylists!!